I can’t lie to him about that.
“I see. You are…infected as I am?”
“Yes,” I say. There’s a lump in my throat, and I’m furious. “But having a baby would really mean giving up on all my dreams.”
“I can see how that would be.”
“You’ve taken all my dreams anyway,” I say.
He says nothing, his jaw tenses, his mouth flat.
“What if I can’t get pregnant, Lucian?” Because perversely, that is my other deep and terrible fear. Because then he might get rid of me. He’s already had three wives. Why not four? What if he has taken me, shown me all of this, upended my life, and he’ll just put me back out if I can’t produce his heir?
Then you’ll go on like it never happened. That won’t be so bad. It won’t be. You have had this time where you learned all about sex, and experienced living in a castle, and then you could just…go on.
I want him to say something, and he doesn’t. He doesn’t leave either. He sits there with me, saying nothing. His expression grave.
He leaves eventually, and returns with a fresh heating pad later. I’m served dinner in the room after that.
He doesn’t come and visit me over the next couple of days, and I’m furious. Even though what he did was kind, I’ve decided to internalize being angry that he was more distant when he couldn’t have sex with me because it does something to feed my insecurities. My hormones are monstrous and I want to embrace it.
After five days of that, I have some clarity. My hormone fog has cleared slightly, and I don’t feel as unreasonable. It’s also interesting, because the reprieve of sex, not being around him, has made me feel a little bit more like myself too.
The feelings inside of me are unfamiliar. But I am still me. Going back to reading textbooks, to reading new studies, that makes me feel a little bit more centered. Just because I’m not going to school doesn’t mean I can keep learning. I have my classes that I’ll be starting soon online. I don’t have everything, and I want everything, and that’s difficult. So much for being practical, I suppose.
I’m just not.
With some trepidation, I go down after dinner and move into the library, where I know I’ll find Lucian.
I’m not disappointed.
“Good evening,” he says, looking up at me.
“I’m not bleeding anymore,” I say.
“Glad to hear it. Is it always particularly tough on you?”
“I admit I do get quite emotional. Though I think there were some contributing factors.”
“I can see that,” he says.
I’m annoyed, because I think he sounds a little bit amused, and nothing was funny about the way that I felt.
He smiles, and I’m enraged. “Do not look at me that way,” he says. “Sit down.”
I do, but seriously.
“Why are you angry with me?”
“Because I… I don’t know.”
“You are upset. About the strictures of royal life. About…the heir.”
“Yes,” I say.
“I want you to get on the pill.”
I jolt. “What?”
