This is best for her right now. If this is what she needs to feel safe, I'll give that to her. Hell, I'll give her fucking anything after hearing her call me Daddy for the first time.
With a deep breath, I drop my focus to her list. What I find makes me murderous. She didn't just give me a simple list, no, Lulu provided an explanation of why those are hard limits.
My beautiful girl won't wear diapers because she started wetting the bed when her mom got sick. Apparently her father would get really angry about it.
Not that degradation is in my wheelhouse, but Lulu has it listed as a limit because it reminds her too much of how her fucking dad treated her. I'm going to hunt him down and kill him.
Force-feeding, another thing I would never do, is in bold letters.
My father would shove food down my throat because he was worried he'd be stuck with me forever if I was too skinny to attract a man.I can't stomach food when I'm stressed. I was always stressed. Even though Mom’s dead and my father left town, I’m still so scared.
That's what she wrote. Those are her exact fucking words. My jaw clicks and I swear I crack a tooth.
The only thing that could possibly pull me from the pit of rage I'm falling into is Lulu. She contains me effortlessly and with innocence so pure tears actually fill my eyes when she lets out a soft giggle as her tower falls.
I suck in a shuddering breath and steel myself for the next blow.
Don't hit me or lock me away.
I'm going to throw up. Swallowing thickly, I clear my throat. "Lulu, come here please."
Immediately she drops what she's doing and starts to crawl. Whatever she sees on my face makes her stand and walk to me instead.
Shit, I need to control my facial expressions.She's very sensitive to changes in people's behavior and feelings.
"I just need some clarification, then you can go back to playing." I point to the final line on my phone, which makes her shift nervously. Gently, I run my hand up the outside of her thigh and rest it on her hip. "Do you mean no spanking and no timeouts?"
She nods, cheeks red and eyes wet. I can't handle pushing her right now, so I give her hip a small squeeze and smile. "Thank you, little one. Go play."
Lulu's eyes brighten again and she turns to resume her cozy time. Before she takes a second step, though, she twists back andtakes my phone from me. I watch her type again with my heart in my throat.
Shoving the phone back into my lap, she hustles away and thumps to her knees on her play mat. I almost don't want to read what she wrote. Scratch that—I really don't want to fucking read it. But I have to. This is what being a Daddy is—being strong for my Little girl.
No dungeons.
My chin hits my chest as my soul literally cracks open and weeps for the girl I didn't save.My girl. I know it was out of my control, but I fuckinghateit. I hate that I wasn't there for her sooner.
"Do you mean basement, Lulu?" I force myself to ask. I'm her Daddy, I need to know.
Peeking over her shoulder at me, her lips twist to the side. She half shrugs, half nods.Jesus. Dungeon and basement are interchangeable to her.
I don't know how long I watch her play and try to convince myself she's alive and right in front of me. All I know is there's no way I'll live my life without her. I'll do anything for her.
"Daddy?"
A full-body shudder ripples through me at the same time shock registers. I didn't realize I had zoned out, but coming back to myself to the sight of Lulu kneeling between my thighs with wide eyes and patience, I release a breath of relief.
"Come here, baby girl," I murmur and pluck her from the floor. With her settled on my lap, I run my fingers through her ratted hair. "I'm sorry Daddy didn't play with you tonight. Can you stay the night? I think I need to know you're safe."
She’s silent for a long time and I realize this is more than just a yes or no question. I put her Little on the spot and I definitely should have saved the question for when she's feeling more like her adult self, but I couldn't control it.
"Can Big Lulu answer the Big girl question?" I murmur and press my lips to her forehead. Thankfully the next time she blinks up at me she gives me a soft, nervous smile.
"I don't have any clothes and I don't think—I should sleep alone. right?"
Fuck, she's so sweet. "Right. Smart girl. Itisour first sleepover. You'll wear my clothes when you're comfortable to change yourself. But you will sleep in my bed. I'll be out here tonight."
I'll never push Lulu when it's so clear she isn't ready. Having her sleep over tonight was not the plan and has the ability to upset her in the morning. If I need to sacrifice not dressing her in more comfortable clothes, I'll do it. When she wakes, she will know I didn't see her body without her permission. She will feel safe and well rested.
