“Yes,” Arienna says, turning to me as she slips on a pair of trousers. “Is that a problem?” The hard glint in her eyes catches me by surprise, but it isn’t an unpleasant shock.
A slow smile curls my lips. “No.”
Her lips part on a little exhale. Then she shakes her head. Grabbing her boots, she goes to sit on the bed I woke up in.
“You three, finish getting dressed in the courtyard,” I say. “If you’re quick, you can talk to Jace before your chief gets there.”
Grabbing their shoes and socks, the two girls race out the door. The little boy hops behind them as he finishes putting on his trousers.
“Do you want me to go?” I ask, my muscles tensing in wait of her answer.
Not looking up as she does her laces, she gives the tiniest shake of her head.
Relief pouring through me, I crouch down in front of her. “I’m sorry I didn’t stop when you used our safe word. That was a violation of your trust.”
She stops tying her boots to look up at me. “Ibeggedyou not to do it, and that meant nothing to you.”
“That’s not true. When you said it, I wanted to stop.”
“Then you should have.”
“I know, but –”
She ducks her head to tie her other boot.
“Hy–” I start, then stop. Blackmailing her into coming back with me isn’t how I want to handle this. So I breathe out and fight the tightness in my chest that’s trying to choke me. “My sister,” I say, each word a strain to push out, “didn’t die of cancer.”
Her fingers still.
“I killed her,” I say, feeling the weight of that admittance in the air. It crushes down on my shoulders, trying to stop me from speaking, from remembering, from being unable to change the past. “When a queen dies, her daughters must fight to the death inside the fairy ring. Aurelia…” I suck in a breath, holding it for a moment before continuing, “hated the idea of being queen so much, she ordered me… to kill her and then Seqora.”
Arienna looks up at me. I anchor myself in the sympathy of her eyes, using her to get through the pain. Every year, I reopenthese wounds so I’ll never forget her, but I never do it by talking. Jace and I understand each other’s agony, and what we do to calm it is a hel of a lot easier than this.
Holding up my left hand, I show her the scar – nearly gone now. “Jace was in love with her. When he found out I was going to follow her orders, he stabbed me in the hand.”
She studies it for a second before horror darkens her irises. “That would have been decades ago… It should have healed completely by now.”
“It did. It took three weeks before it started to fade, so I stabbed myself again with a special knife created to hinder one’s healing ability.”
I was drunk that first time, mourning both her and Jace, who I thought had left with no plans to come back. My ex hated me. Deirdre, I hated. The only reason I didn’t aim for a different spot was because of my promise to Aurelia. She had entrusted me with Raza, and despite my pain, I was determined to see it through.
“It takes a year to fade now.” And Jace is the one to do it, has been ever since he came back. It’s the only time I hate him; he should’ve gone for the heart. He should’ve pinned both my hands to the ground until he could beat me to death or to my senses. I should have killed Seqora outside the fairy ring and been the sacrifice instead of Aurelia.
Grabbing my hand in both of hers, she asks, “When is it? Her anniversary?”
“In five days.” I pause for a moment, staring at our hands. I want to hold one of hers, squeeze it between my fingers, but she’s withdrawn her consent for me to touch her. So until she gives it back, I will accept whatever touches she wishes to bestow on me. She grips me hard, giving me more than she’ll ever know.
“She was born into this life and raised to be queen. She went to war at thirteen, leading her squadron. She saved my life onher first day. We were pinned by the Vylians. Queen Helena and Seqora would’ve left us to die, but she mounted a rescue. She would have made a good queen.”
I swallow hard as I force myself to face my memories – thoughts I’ve shunned for so long. “But the years took a toll on her, and I watched her smile fade away.” Shaking my head, I look into my queen’s wet eyes. “It took her five years before she begged me to kill her. I can’t go through that with you.”
Tears rolling down her cheeks, Arienna leans forwards and kisses me. She places my hand over her heart and traces the temporary scar I’ve given myself.
“You willneverhave to go through that with me,” she murmurs against my lips. “I want to be your queen. I want to be Raza’s queen.”
“We can be together without being royalty. I can fake my death, and Evangeline can marry Nicholas –”
Lifting my hand up to her lips, she kisses my palm, cutting me off. “No. You belong on the throne. No one loves Raza more than you. Seeing how you were on the tour – I’m not going to take that from you.” She pulls her head back so she can look me in the eye.
