I rub at my skin, wanting the slime of my sins off me. I’m a good brownie. I am. “That’s not true.”
Fabia’s eyes soften as she grabs my hands. “You’re not the one who should feel ashamed.”
My arms trembling, I grasp her fingers in mine. “I would not have denied him. He would’ve made me feel nice, gone all slowly like he had with Mum.”
Tears burn in my eyes, but I don’t know why they’re there.
“Gentle or not, whether you…” She winces. “Enjoyed it or not, he would haverapedyou, Arienna.”
I flinch at that word. Raped. I’ve never heard it before, but Fabia said it with such emotion in her voice and eyes that I know it’s bad.
Pulling away from her, I jump to my feet. I shake my head, a sickness clawing at my stomach. “No. Brownston might be a cult, if that’s what you want to call it, but it’s agoodplace. It’s a utopia where everyone is happy and safe. There’s peace there, no violence or hate. Not like here. Not like…” I look her in the eye, my chest heaving. “Richard stabbed Lief fornoreason! No one would’ve done that in Brownston!”
“He didn’t stab him for no reason,” Fabia says slowly.
“Yes, he did!” I wave my arms, not knowing what to do with them. The pressure inside me is building too fast, too hard. I giggle, then laugh, then full on cackle. “Richard isn’t into slug dicks. I asked. So you see, he stabbed him for no…” More giggles escape, dragging their way to freedom.
“Arienna –”
“No! You weren’t there! You don’t know.”
“I know –”
“Lief was just standing there, and Richard –”
“Lief raped me!” she shouts, shoving me into silence.
“What?”
She closes her eyes, pain twisting her face. When she opens them, her gaze is angry and sad and full of torment. “Lief is not a good person, Arienna. That’s why Richard stabbed him. He was looking out for me.”
My mouth opens and closes multiple times. I stare at her, not understanding what she’s saying. But I hear the pain in her voice, and that’s enough for me. “Lief hurt you?”
“Yes.”
My chin wobbles as I struggle to hold in the laughter. It isn’t manic or uncontrollable this time. It boils inside me, slashing like the knife Richard used to rip through Lief’s belly. I thought he was a friend. I called him a friend. I was so happy to see him enter the Throne Room, and he smiled at me. He smiled at meafter he hurt my friend.
My nostrils flare. The laughter inside turns wicked and cruel andprecise.“Is that why you burned his house down?”
She hesitates a second before nodding.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I told him hello. I would have offered him a place to stay when he was homeless had I not had the wasps at the time. I laughed with him. I fed him. And all that time… “Why didn’t you tell me he hurt you?” The words come out raw and strained.
My best friend sighs, rubbing a hand over her eyes. “Because it didn’t matter. I was the town fuck-up. Saying no is wrong there, and no one would have believed me anyway because a good brownie never lies, and he’s a good brownie and I’m not.”
I drop down in front of her. My knees pressing into the wooden floor, I grab her hands and squeeze. “I would have believed you,” I say.
A choked noise escapes her as a single tear rolls down her cheek. “You don’t even know what rape is.”
My lips part wordlessly. I want to tell her that I do, but I’d just be parroting back what she told me. The pain she is feeling – I don’t understand it, and she deserves genuine love and understanding. “But Richard does,” I say softly.
She nods. “Everyone here does.”
Everyone…Pain lances through my entire body like a bolt of electricity, making my shoulders bow in. Everyone here is a better friend to her than I am. No wonder she’s looked so much more relaxed and at ease since we came to Raza. Everyone here understands her pain and knows how to comfort her.
“I’m sorry I don’t understand,” I say, hating that I don’t.
“It’s okay. You grew up in a cult.”
