“Amber, I’m going to come,” he warned before grunting one last time. “Christ, baby.” His thrusting slowed, then he did a final two times before he stopped and held me tight against him. His heartbeat pounded against my back—the furious pace matching mine—and we remained pressed together until we caught our breath. He pressed one kiss on my spine before picking me up and removing himself from me. “Amazing.”
“Agreed,” I replied, feeling dazed and high from him. “I’m keeping these stockings.”
“The fuck you better.” He laughed and disposed of the condom in the bathroom before returning to my room. It was normal now to see him naked in my bedroom and I tried not to think about how much I liked having him there. He threw on his boxers and crawled back into the bed. I got up to removethe pantyhose and put on something more comfortable—loose shorts and an oversize sweatshirt—and I joined him.
“There are still a couple of things we need to talk about,” I said, not quite meeting his eyes. Now that our bodies were sated, it didn’t exactly make it easier to bring up the other topic on my mind. “Brandon.”
“Him.” Jeff made a face like he’d eaten sour fruit and it made him look kinda cute. “What about him?”
“You told him we’re together.”
“Still on that?” He laughed and pulled me against his chest. “After what we just did, you’re telling me wearen’ttogether?”
“No?” I had no idea how to answer his question nor what it meant for the future.
“We’re both serial non-daters, right? I’m way too busy with my final season and you’re swamped with your final project and writing a major fucking article that could change a lot about our college. It works between us and I’d like to keep it that way as long as we can.”
“So…we’re dating?”
“If you want to say that. I don’t like labels or that shit but if you prefer it, then yeah.” He ran a hand down my arm again and yawned. “Can I nap here with you? You’re comfy and today wiped me out.”
Something like heat radiated through my chest at his words and I snuggled deeper to him. “A nap sounds great.”
25
JEFF
One week left until our season started and the energy in the house was erratic. It was almost tangible. Zade hummed constantly as he paced and rearranged books on our shelf while Aaron and Tanner threw insult after insult while they played video games. It was normal for us to get amped up before a season, but this felt heavier. I was spending more time with Amber because she was the perfect distraction from the mess in my head, but it still didn’t help me sleep. My dreams were filled with nightmares of me disappointing the team, losing the game or ruining the season for everyone. Guilt took its form in a variety of ways and mine rooted itself in my stomach, tearing at the lining until I broke. “Guys, can I talk to you about something?”
“Do you even need to ask?” Zade responded, eyeing two different books to make sure they were equal distance apart. “Are you about to explain the weird mood you’ve been in? Because I thought with a chick you’d mellow out a bit. We’ve heard you and Amber. You’re not quiet.”
“Okay,Zade. You’re one to talk.” Tanner rolled his eyes and paused the game. He was in a tricky spot since he was datingAaron’s little sister so we couldn’t joke around with him if Hilly was around. It was like poking a bear who hadn’t eaten in a year. “What’s going on, Jeff?”
I rolled my shoulders, hoping it was help with the tension, but it didn’t. Amber had encouraged me to share everything with them, whatever I felt comfortable with, but it still felt wrong to talk about it without her here. She’d holed herself in the library to start writing without disruptions—which included me—so I found myself sitting with my roommates reading to spill my fucking guts. They looked at me without judgment, just curiosity, and I plopped onto the couch. “I don’t want to play baseball after this season.”
They all reacted differently, but not overtly. Zade furrowed his eyebrows, Aaron shifted his position on the couch and Tanner ran a hand over his jaw. No one asked why, or said I was an idiot, so I continued. “Playing overseas last year really fucked with me. It wasn’t what I envisioned and I know it’s different playing in the minors, but my heart isn’t in it anymore.”
“Dude, that’s why you’re so uptight?” Hilly asked, scoffing and shaking his head at me. “You were afraid of telling us that?”
“Well, yeah.” My face burned with embarrassment for a minute before I started to relax. “It’s been the goal all these years. All four of us. Playing our asses off, enjoying college and making it to the big leagues. It’s what brought us together freshman year and me losing the same collective goal freaked me out.”
“I understand the worry, but it’s unnecessary. It wasn’t the draft that brought us together, man—it was the friendship. The brotherhood.” Zade got up and put a hand on my shoulder. “I hate you couldn’t tell us that, but I get it. We all deal with shit differently.”
“I didn’t realize it fully until the past couple of months. I’ve been looking up law schools and want to start studying for theLSAT after the final season. It makes me sound privileged, but money isn’t an issue for me.” I stopped and winced. “I can take the time to figure out a different future for myself.”
“You gotta do what’s best for you.” Tanner gave me a reassuring smile and added, “You’d make a hell of a lawyer.”
My heart swelled with pride as my teammates asked more questions, like what schools I was looking at or what type of law I was interested in, and there wasn’t one judgmental question about my lack of dedication. It didn’t matter than no one said it, I still felt the need to clarify myself. “This doesn’t change how hard I’m going to play this season. This team is still my family and I’m gonna play like hell.”
“No shit,” Hilly said with a laugh. “We’d kick your tall ass if you didn’t.”
“This changes nothing, by the way. Not how we treat you, not how we’re gonna play on the field, nor what we tell anybody. This is your choice and your business and it’ll stay that way,” Zade said, stepping up to be the leader he had always been. “Thanks for telling us.”
Do I tell them? Will it make it worse or better?Amber’s words about owing them a warning repeated in my head. If the situation was reversed, I’d want to know. “There’s something else.”
“What is it?” Zade asked.
“The reason Amber and I even got together is because something fishy is going on in sports.” They all sat up straighter and gave me their undivided attention. “Involving baseball…and more.”
