Michael starts pointing to something on his phone. I don’t want to return to the dating app conversation.
To my relief Michael and Alfie take out their headphones and start listening to something on Michael’s phone. I take out mine and press play on the first playlist without looking at which one it is. I soon realise that it’s the playlist titled Emily and has all of our favourite songs on there. We were both huge fans of Amy Winehouse. On a Friday evening in the summer we’d lift up the sash window of Emily’s flat bedroom, put on the Back to Black album, sip wine, talk and relax on her bed. Amy’s insanely soulful voice starts to fill my ears and I find myself wishing I was lying with Emily in my arms.
Michael initiates a lively conversation about football which lasts for a good hour or so and includes a lot of sharing of football video clips on our phones.
When the football discussion comes to an end, I can see Alfie has taken a notebook out and is scribbling notes inside it. The fear of another lengthy discussion about their dating app forces me to control the conversation.
‘I’m assuming you both are going to London – are you there over Christmas?’
Alfie shakes his head. ‘We’re only there for a night and tomorrow through the day. This is our annual celebration.’
‘Nice,’ I say, nodding my head and picturing them both at a fancy restaurant, drinking fancy wine and posh food.
Michael puts his phone down. ‘Christmas is an odd time for us. This journey that we make every year is our way of handling this difficult time.’
Alfie shifts uncomfortably in his seat and closes his notebook.
Michael continues. ‘We have both lost a family member at this time of year, so we make the same journey to celebrate them.’
‘Oh… I see.’
Alfie nods. ‘Our respective loved ones died at different times, but both had a strong connection to music like us.’
Michael stares wistfully out of the window while Alfie continues. ‘We plan to make this same trip for the rest of our lives. People think we’re mad but we both think it’s important to remember our loved ones. Have you ever lost someone close, Rory?’
The night I lost Lawrence comes rushing back to me. A wave of emotion rises inside of me as I remember a paramedic trying to steer me away from the wrecked car. Lawrence had already gone by this point. He was still in the driver’s seat and a fireman was trying to cut him out. I wanted to stay with him, but the paramedic was insistent I step away. Blinking tears away I turn to the window.
Alfie senses it is a subject I don’t want to discuss. ‘Michael has been my rock.’
Michael pulls Alfie into a hug. ‘You’re mine and that’s why we work.’
When I close my eyes all I can see is a crumpled Emily sitting on a plastic chair in the hospital after losing Vivi. She had assumed I was her rock. My good friend, guilt, is busy wrapping itself around my body like a powerful boa constrictor, compressing me to the point of breathlessness.
My brain and mouth lose connection and from nowhere words start to pour out of me.
‘I’m going to see my ex-girlfriend. She lost her sister earlier this year. It was an aneurysm, so it was sudden and unexpected. I let my ex-girlfriend down the night her sister passed away. I let her down when she really needed me.’
Alfie and Michael remain silent.
My phone buzzes with a text. It’s from Anna.Just to let you know I’m staying in London for Christmas so if you’re about let me know, it would be good to catch up.
I turn to look at the blizzard outside the train window. Doubt and confusion creep into my head. My words echo in my head. I let Emily down at a time she really needed me. In the weeks before Vivi died I caused Emily unnecessary worry about my friendship with Anna. I remember Emily asking me why I was going on another night out with Anna when I’d been out with her a few days before. Emily deserves someone better than me.
‘Mate, I’m so sorry,’ says Alfie.
Michael nods. ‘Me too. Listen, mate, you can’t change the past, but you can change the future.’
‘I don’t know why I let her down,’ I say, running my hand through my hair. ‘She’s the best thing that ever happened to me.’
‘Rory, I think you need some thinking time,’ says Alfie. ‘There’s a reason why you let your ex-girlfriend down and I think you need to find that out. It won’t be easy but that’s the only way to deal with it.’
Anna’s text messages are catching my attention. She also deserves an apology. I sent her the wrong signals. Maybe Alfie is right? Maybe I need to go back to where my life went off track before I see Emily. Without hesitation I type a reply to Anna.It’s okay. Everything got a bit chaotic back then. It’s nice to hear from you. I’m on way to London on the train and I think I am going to get stranded due to the snow. Where are you?
CHAPTER27
EMILY
It’s nearly midnight. Felix is sat up and leaning against my shoulder in Rory’s bed. His tears are soaking into one of Rory’s T-shirts which I borrowed to sleep in. Baxter is asleep on a cushion on the floor beside the bed. ‘I thought Rory would be here,’ sobs Felix. ‘I wanted him to be here, Aunty Emily.’ Throwing my arms around him I pull him closer. ‘Come on, don’t cry, Felix. This was a surprise trip and Rory had obviously made other plans for tonight.’
