A memory of Vivi shouting at our drunken mum who was lying in an empty bath, fully clothed and downing a bottle of vodka surfaces in my mind. ‘Yes, we did, but she never listened to anything we said.’
Lizzie strokes my cheek. ‘You are doing a good job, Ems.’
‘I sometimes forget to cook tea, Lizzie. When I do cook something, he spits it out in disgust, I yell and scream at him, and then I go ballistic when he hides my dress material.’
I hear my best mate let out a sigh. ‘Again, all standard stuff. My mother couldn’t make toast, I would feed her attempts at a casserole to the dog, she would scream from morning until night, and she would go apeshit when I nicked her cigarettes.’
We both smile. Lizzie picks Baxter up, who lovingly licks her face. ‘This dog is bloody adorable, Ems, I don’t believe all the bad stuff you claim he does.’
Shaking my head, I grimace at Baxter. ‘When he’s not burrowing into my clean washing basket, chewing up my knickers, he’s having a tantrum about his dog food. Vivi spoilt him rotten. I also think he doesn’t like me so that’s why he’s so naughty.’
Lizzie strokes Baxter’s velvety black ears. ‘With dogs you need time to bond with them.’
I roll my eyes. ‘I don’t have any time for dog bonding. Baxter doesn’t like me because I replaced his dream dog owner.’
Lizzie sighs. ‘Right, what’s the deal with you and Rory?’
I can feel myself deflate. ‘Rory is going on a third date tomorrow with someone called Beth.’
Lizzie studies my face. ‘Felix is right – isn’t he? You do still love him.’
Hanging my head and letting my unwashed for several days, auburn hair drop over my face. ‘No. Well, I’m working ontrying not to lovehim.’
Lizzie chuckles. ‘That plan of yours has never worked for me. You know I’ve been trying not to love Robbie Tulloch from school for years.’
I plunge my face into my hands. ‘I can’t end up like you and Robbie Tulloch.’
At school Robbie and Lizzie were like David and Victoria Beckham. Robbie was the handsome, blond-haired football striker and Lizzie was stunning with her silky black hair and model looks. Everyone said they’d marry and have beautiful children. They broke up in sixth form after he cheated on her. It was a dark day for romance and there were rumours of year seven and eight girls crying in the school toilets over their breakup.
Lizzie sighs. ‘If Robbie thinks I am going to go out of the back of the pub with him on New Year’s Eve this year and do unspeakable things in an alleyway while his second wife chats to her gym friends in the bar he can think again. I have to put a stop to our annual meet up.’
‘I’m buying you a padlock for your knickers for Christmas.’
She nudges me. ‘It’s okay to still love someone after you break up with them.’
We go silent. The day before Rory and I split up rushes back to me. We were out having a lunchtime drink with his work colleagues. It was a week after Vivi had died and it was the day Felix returned to school. I don’t know why I let Rory persuade me into going. The world felt like it was made of cotton wool, and everything was sort of weird and echoey. I was still in shock. After a few sips of wine, I remember telling Rory I needed the loo. It was a lie. I wanted to go into a toilet cubicle and cry my heart out about losing my wonderful sister.
There had been a woman in the bar carrying a handbag like Vivi’s Radley bag. The sight of it slung over her shoulder made the bar go blurry. After I’d cried hard against the toilet door I emerged with red, puffy eyes and mascara tramlines plotting a course down to my chin. Anna was there waiting for me. Anna, with her endless, slim legs, her happy, smiley face and glossy raven mane of hair which was so long it almost touched her bum. Rory’s work friend. She’d joined Rory’s company a few months before and knew someone from Rory’s university days, so they had a lot to talk about. He had been spending a lot of time with her during the weeks leading up to Vivi’s death, going out for drinks and lengthy meals where they talked nonstop about old memories. I knew they were just old friends and I trusted Rory but a little piece of me didn’t like the fact that Anna had Rory’s full attention.
She placed a hand on my shoulder as I washed my hands. ‘Emily, I’m so sorry about your sister,’ she said in a sweet, sincere voice. ‘I can’t imagine what you’re going through.’
The toilet mirrors went blurry as I desperately tried to hold everything together.
‘How’s Felix? Rory says he’s gone back to school?’
I didn’t know where to start with putting an answer together. How was Felix doing after losing his wonderful mother in such a tragic way and having to come to terms with his Aunty Emily looking after him? He’d locked himself in his bedroom after I told him his mummy had gone to heaven. A neighbour had looked after him while I was at the hospital with Vivi, then Felix had watched me come up the path to the house. I placed my hands on his shoulders, but he’d batted them away. ‘Where’s Mummy?’ he demanded. In the days that followed he spent a lot of time thudding and banging in his bedroom. Every half hour I’d knocked on his door to ask him if he was okay. He’d yell at me to go away. When he did venture out, he shouted at me, threw things, and had tantrum after tantrum.
‘He’s being brave,’ I replied, shaking my wet hands and heading for the dryer.
Anna nodded. ‘Poor lad.’ She watched me wringing my hands under the hot air. ‘How do you feel? Rory said you’re Felix’s legal guardian now.’
I shrugged. ‘I’m Felix’s family now.’
His father was someone Vivi had had a drunken fling with while on a Butlins holiday weekend. She didn’t know his name, or where he lived, but she did know he’d been there for a stag do. When she discovered she was pregnant with Felix I pleaded with her to try to remember some useful detail about her fling to help us identify him. All Vivi had said was that he looked like Rick Astley, complete with an elaborate Pompadour hairstyle and square black glasses. I spent hours trawling through Rick Astley lookalikes on Facebook for her, in a bid to track him down. It was only after I had given up with mental exhaustion that Vivi remembered him saying he wasn’t on Facebook. Vivi could be very frustrating at times. Our father hasn’t been in touch in thirty years and my mother is dead so there is only me.
Anna walked over to where I leant against the dryer. ‘It’s a big thing what you’re doing, taking on young Felix. I really admire you.’ She sent me a warm smile, before shifting her gaze to her reflection in the mirror. ‘What will you and Rory do now? I mean he’s not the settling down type – is he?’
Once the questions had left her lips they’d headed straight for my mind, burying themselves deep inside.
