She’s not just my shadow anymore. She’s her own person with practices and friends and plans that don’t include me. And as much as that kills me, what's worse is the realization that she needs someone who isn’t me to fill in the gaps while I still do my job.
Her whole life I worked to keep our two-man team sacred. To protect her from anyone who could hurt her—who could walk away—again.
And recently, it feels like I'm failing.
"She is great," I say, attempting to stop my brain from listing reasons that have nothing to do with her job description. Levi turns back toward the machine. It continues making the whirring sound that's like a calming white noise to us at this point. We always come here when there's something to unpack or we need to catch up. And with still trying to figure out what to do for our trip tomorrow, I thought this was as good a time as any. "She's responsible and experienced and easy to talk to…"
"But…"
"But that's how most of them seemed at first."And they didn't distract me with everything they did.My eyes drift back to Ruthie. "And I've realized I've spent too much damn time protecting that girl from shit like this for some stranger to come in and ruin it."
Levi sighs but still swings at the fastball shooting toward him. “She wouldn’t be a stranger if you let her in.”
He looks back at me, and I tilt my chin down, shooting him a glare.
“Not like that,” Levi says with an eye roll. He swings again but misses this time, and as he glances over his shoulder for the teasing smirk he's expecting, I hyper-focus on the chain links in front of me. “Hold on…" He pauses, looking at me. A ball flies from the machine, but he doesn't even notice. "Are you into her?"
"What?" I shoot back, instantly defensive.
"You heard me. Do you have the hots for the nanny?”
I scoff. "What is this?” I ask, my forehead creased. “The locker room?”
Levi laughs and shakes his head, and for a second, we’re teenagers again.
“That doesn’t answer my question." A ball fires from the machine, and he just barely knicks it.
I sigh, a little too dramatically, then attempt to recover, finishing with my tone very matter-of-fact. “She has a boyfriend.”
“Still doesn’t answer my question,” he grunts, swinging at another pitch.
I stare at the back of his head, willing my pulse to slow and silently begging my brother to drop it. It’s not that I’m afraid to lie—or to admit the truth, for that matter. Levi has eyes, he sees what I see. But I’m not even sure I know what I think about Tessa, let alone if I'm capable of putting it into words.
I’m not a prude—and I’m definitely not a thirty-eight-year-old, baseball-playing virgin. But I haven’t even let myself go there, really go there, in over a decade.Would I even recognize it if that’s what this was?
“Listen,” Levi says, somehow reading my mind as he adjusts his stance. "All I’m saying is you’re in your own way here.”
He changes the subject—or at least he thinks he does—but the relief I was hoping for never comes. Deep down, I sort of wish I could unpack all this with him. The way we did when we were thirteen and fourteen just trying to make sense of why our pants felt tighter around girls in mini skirts or sundresses. But fifteen years later, it's not the same.
“You don’t want her to leave, so you’re keeping her at a distance,” he continues. “But don’t you think keeping her at a distance makes it more likely she’ll go? That you’ll drive her away?”
I don't answer right away, thinking until the sound of Levi's next hit ricochets off the fence. "I'm not driving her away," I finally say defensively, the argument half for him and half for me.
"Okay," he says as if he's not convinced.
"At least I'm not trying to."
The sound of the machine fades out as it comes to a stop, and Levi turns and leans his weight on the bat in one hand, his other on his hip. He looks at Ruthie through the fence, then back at me, questioning me in a way only a brother could get away with.
I open and close my mouth, not even bothering to argue, then roll my eyes. "This introspective version of you is a big pain in my ass."
"And this pessimistic side of you is really weirding me out."
My shoulders slump, and Levi notices.
"Hey," he says, walking through the opening in the fence so there's no longer metal between us. "We all have our walls. Mine used to be built around my heart, and yours have always been built around my niece." He looks back at Ruthie now juggling the ball on her knees, his voice fading slightly as he watches. "But she's growing up, and you're gonna have to lower the bricks just a little or she'll never learn to let people in either."
I clench my jaw, a pang in my chest reminding me that I miss the old me almost as much as I miss my tiny baby girl. Levi steps forward, closing the gap between us and clapping me on the shoulder. "You're not this guy, big brother… you never have been. Don't let a few bad weeks become your whole personality."
