The knife in my stomach that keeps popping up seems to twist. I actively stop myself from tightening—my jaw, my grip around my beer—and instead, rub at the condensation built up on my glass like I can also wipe away the question. "What makes you ask that?"
"Dude… that girl has been trying to get your attention since she poured your draft, and I'm not sure you even noticed."
I crease my brow. "Who?'
"Jesus," Levi whispers under his breath. "The bartender, brother. The bartender."
I blink hard, inhaling deeply. "Oh, right." My brain fogs with nothing but the thought of Tessa, and I blink her away. "I don't know… maybe she's just not my type."
Maybe my type is blonde, nurturing… should-be-unavailable.
I bite the inside of my cheek, punishing myself for the immediate thought.
"I'm not sure you have a type anymore," he tosses back. "Are you?"
"Ha ha," I deadpan. "You know my thoughts on this shit—Ruthie's the only girl I need." My usual reasoning comes out weaker than it normally does—more of an excuse this time.
Levi nods slowly and takes a sip of his drink. "I get that," he says through a swallow. "But it's okay if you want someone else too, ya know? Ruthie's getting older, and she's spending more time with friends and stuff. I mean she'll be in her own relationship soon enou—"
"Woah, woah, woah," I cut in defensively, the thought churning my stomach more than our conversation.
"I don't mean now," Levi defends. "I'm just saying, in a few years she'll be interested in her own dating life. How is she supposed to know what a healthy relationship looks like without ever seeing one?"
"Oh, so I guess you and her Aunt Alex aren't healthy?" I shoot back. I'm only half-serious, but the hairs on the back of my neck still go stiff.
"We're fine," he says reassuringly. "But it's not the same, and you know it. You're her person."
The last part of his argument hits me straight in the chest. But what he isn't connecting is that IamRuthie's person. And she's mine. And that's exactly why I haven't dated in twelve years. Why my current predicament has me shaken.
I don't need someone to spend my life with—to laugh with, to cry with, to be my best friend. I have Roo. And even more than that, I don't ever want her to feel like she's being replaced. Like anyone else gets even a second of my time that would otherwise be saved for her.
Ruthie already has to put up with baseball—and she does it with such support and grace. To throw something else in the mix feels… reckless. Like I'd be taking her patience for granted. And stealing my attention away from who deserves it most.
"I don't know," I admit as Tessa comes back to mind. She's been doing that lately—popping up as if to counter any thought I have about changing my ways.
My brother thinks I'm arguing with him about what's best—that I'm being stubborn or single-minded. But what he doesn't realize is that I don't need to fight with him to have this discussion. I've already been having it with myself.
"Maybe," I finally add, lifting my glass.
Levi's eyes double in size. "Hey, I'll take that. It beats the light-hearted hard no you typically give. Or just ignoring me altogether."
I let out a chuckle. "Take what you can get, little brother."
He nods, and I gulp down my beer.
The cool liquid coats my throat, flowing over the lump that's built there. Before I know it, I've guzzled nearly all of it at once, chasing the relief I know won't come from the alcohol.
Still, the rush rattles something inside me, like the liquid was able to penetrate through the wall I've built there and loosen it slightly. I slam my glass down, adrenaline escaping thanks to that one fleeting moment of freedom.
"You alright?" Levi asks, looking at the inch of amber ale that's left at the bottom.
"What do you think about Tessa?" I blurt.
He blinks quickly, taken aback as expected. "Well…" he starts. "Alex thinks she's awesome. And when we saw Ruthie, all she did was talk about how cool she is. You said she's really good with her right? So…"
I avoid the eye contact I know will sell me out, but Levi knows me better than anyone.
"Wait a minute," he says slowly. "Do you mean…"
