“And Gutta.” I looked at him straight. “Whatever the result is we gone handle it. You hear me? You’re not going through this by yourself. As hard as it is, try not to stress it because we gone figure all this shit out together. “
He looked at me and I could see him being appreciative of me being here and riding with him.
“You think she’s mine.” It came out quieter than everything else he had said.
Although I had no clue who this girl was that he’d been secretly creeping with back then. I thought about what he had described. That face. The way he said that baby looked exactly like him before he even knew who the mother was.
“It’s possible if you was fuckin raw. I think she could yours. Especially if you know for a fact that you’ve messed around with her at that time. I also know that looks don’t mean nothing either. This shit can go either way.”
He sat back down and put his face in his hands and stayed there for a minute. When he looked up something had changed in his expression. Still stressed. But underneath the stress something else was there that I hadn’t seen on him before.
“When I saw her,” he said. “Before I even knew who she belonged to. Before Sandra walked up. I was just crouched down looking at this little girl and my chest got warm in a way I ain’t never felt before in my life.” He shook his head like he was embarrassed to be saying it. “Like some fuzzy warm shit that I don’t even have words for. I just knew she meant something. I didn’t even know why yet but I knew.”
I looked at my cousin and almost smiled. This wasn’t at all like Gutta. Although I never asked, cause I never wanted to actually know. I knew he had a few bodies under his belt, so I never seen his ass like this.
“That’s what it feels like,” I said.
“What.”
“Being somebody’s parent. That’s what that feeling is. To have love for someone you don’t even know. That shit is deep. You gotta know the truth.”
He looked at me and I could see him sitting with that. Really sitting with it. Gutta who had never wanted children, who had spent his whole life moving fast and light with no attachments he couldn’t walk away from, was sitting in my living room withwarm fuzzy shit in his chest over a three year old little girl he had seen for thirty seconds at a grocery store.
“I can’t neglect my own blood,” he said.
“Even if this blows everything up. Even if Simone—” He stopped. “I can’t just walk away from her if she’s mine.”
“You won’t,” I said. “That’s not who you are. Anything that’s meant for you can’t be easily lost.” I told him, meaning his relationship with his girl.
He nodded and we sat with that for a minute.
Then he looked at me like he was just realizing some shit.
“Why are you just getting home at this time in the morning? Where you been all night?”
I leaned back in my chair and thought of Kyla.
“I’ll tell you on the way to Walgreens.”
—
We hit the Walgreens on MLK and I walked straight to the pharmacy section while Gutta moved through the store behind me looking like a man trying to figure his whole life out.
I found the DNA test kits on the third aisle. Grabbed two of them.
Gutta looked at the boxes when I held them out. “Two?”
“One in case you mess up the first one. You only got one shot at this today and I need you to do it right.” I read the back of the instructions, then I put them both in his hand. “You swab the inside of her cheek. Simple. She’s three, she’ll let you do it if you make it seem like a game. Kids don’t know what that is.”
He nodded and looked at the boxes and I could see him processing it. This shit was really real and at this point, I wasn’t sure what I wanted the outcome to be. I knew that someone was going to get hurt if this proved to be Gutta’s child.
We went to the register and I paid before he could say anything about it and he didn’t argue which told me how much was sitting on him right now.
Walking back to the car I looked at him sideways.
“You straight?”
“I’m good. Just a lot on my mind.”
