I couldn’t sleep tonight if I wanted to. I also couldn’t get in the bed with my girl, she knew me and she would fa sho’ know that something was wrong. But I stayed still on the sofa and let my mind work because that’s all I could do right now. Work the problem. Stay calm. Figure out the next move before the next move figured me out.
Whatever was coming I wasn’t going to let it catch me slipping.
—
I must had dozed off somewhere around five in the morning because the next thing I knew, I felt somebody was standing over me as I slept. Being a nigga from the hood, my body automatically woke me up from that feeling. I jumped up out of my sleep, and off that couch so fast I almost knocked Simone down.
“GUTTA—”
“Don’t do that again. Ever Simone.” I grabbed her by both of her arms, as my heart beat fast in my chest. “Don’t ever stand over me like that while I’m sleep. I could have smoked you.” I said, pointing to my gun on the coffee table that I jumped up to reach for.I hated to be spazzing like this, but I’d just gotten a threat on my life and any false move was sending me over the edge. All I knew was how to survive in case some shit popped off.
She stepped back and looked at me with her hand on her chest. “I was just trying to wake you up. Why are you on the couch? Why weren’t you in bed last night and what the hell got you acting like this? I don’t like this shit at all,” she said, looking at me as if I’d lost my mind. And maybe I was. So much had transpired in 24 hours, I was feeling crazy as hell my damn self.
“I couldn’t sleep. Didn’t want to keep you up, so I slept in here.”
“You’re sweating.” She was studying my face like she always did when she thought I was keeping something from her. “And you just grabbed me like somebody was breaking in. What is going on with you?”
“Nothing. I just woke up paranoid. You know I don’t like being snuck up on.”
“I wasn’t sneaking up on you Gutta I was coming to wake you. You know we don’t sleep in this late.” She crossed her arms.
“Talk to me and don’t tell me that it’s nothing.”
I looked at her standing there in her robe with her hair wrapped and her eyes reading everything on my face. Simone was my baby, I wanted to tell her. Everything in me wanted to put it down and let somebody else carry some of it for a minute. But I looked at her and thought about what telling her actually meant. I provided my girl with a soft life and never had placed none of my life problems on her to carry. I was a man, and it was my job to make sure my bullshit never touched her.
I had to keep this shit to myself. From the threatening call, Sandra, Amara, all of it. I knew she wasn’t ready for that conversation anyway, and honestly neither was I.
“I’m good Simone. Real talk. I just had a lot on my mind last night and didn’t want to toss and turn and wake you up. That’s it.”
She looked at me for a long moment and I could see her deciding whether to push it or let it go. She let it go but I could tell it bothered her to do that.
“I have two houses to show today,” she said, going to the kitchen. “After that, I need some real time with you. I don’t like how this feels. I want us to have a nice dinner. Just us. And we need to talk.”
“I got you. Wherever you want to go. I don’t want you feeling no type of way, so tonight, I’m gonna make it up baby. You know we have a lot riding on Streets next fight, then I’m transitioning over to being fully legit and shit just a lot to carry for real. Buttonight, it’s all about you baby.” I said as I walked up and kissed her lips.
“Somewhere nice Gutta. Not wings. And you know you can always come to me. You don’t have to keep shit bottled up to the point where you sleeping on your damn couch and reaching for a pistol, fresh off the wake-up.”
“I’m sorry baby! Ima do better and I’ll make it up to you. I’m getting my shit together just be patient with me. Whatever you want tonight it’s all about you.”
She kissed my lips, while I grabbed a handful of her ass. She pulled away and walked off, looked back at me over her shoulder and something in her face softened just slightly. “You sure you’re okay?”
“I’m sure. Go handle your business. I’ll see you tonight.”
She got dressed, left and I stood at the window and watched her car pull out of the lot and then I grabbed my keys and went to handle mine. Any other morning, I would have fucked the shit out of Simone before we started our day, that’s the real reason why her ass was waking me up. Today, I just had too much shit on my mind, a nigga probably wouldn’t have been able to stay hard any way.
—
My momma house was twenty minutes away and I made it in fifteen. I needed to talk to her, because how I was feeling, she was the only person who could make a nigga feel better. I was a man to the fullest, but I’d never be too hood to admit, I was still my momma baby. And today, I needed my muthafuckin momma. A nigga head was spinning.
I let myself in with my key the way I always did. She knew that I was liable to pop up at anytime and she knew not to have no nigga over or I would get on his ass. She could date, but I had to approve of the nigga. These days, men preyed on single women and would try to take them fast. That wasn’t gone happen on my watch. I’d catch a body behind mine and think nothing of it.
I called out to her so she wouldn’t think somebody was breaking in. I could hear voices coming from the kitchen before I got there and when I walked through the doorway my mama was at the table with my auntie Kat, and they both had tea in front of them. They were laughing about something that must have been funny before I walked in.
“There he is,” my momma said.
Aunt Kat looked up at me, smiled and stood. I hugged her tight. She always smelled like wealth, even when we were all struggling. Today was no different. She hugged back tight and with love— like she meant it and wasn’t in a rush to let go. She was my aunt by blood but she had always felt like a second moms and I think she knew that even if we never said it out loud. I loved Street, Melo and Mazi like brothers because that’s how she raised us to be.
I pulled up a chair and sat down between them.
