“Hello, is there something I can help you with here?” A voice behind me had me turning around to look at him.
I didn’t respond but instead held out the crucifix he’d given me. Well, he hadn’t given it to me as much as put it in my hand.
“It’s you, from behind the church a couple weeks ago. They said you passed on.” He looked like he had seen a ghost.
I nodded. “I did, but not in the way most believe.”
He was puzzled but motioned for me to take a seat before him. I glanced around, not too keen on sitting with my back to any door.
“You are safe. The Lord will watch your back.”
I gave him a look, ready to question his “Lord having my back” statement, but I didn’t. Something compelled me to take a seat.
Silence consumed us as I stared ahead.
“May I ask why you are here?”
I nodded then extended the rosary beads to him.
He shook his head. “Those are yours. Since you are not dead, how are yo?—”
“I didn’t come here for that?”
“Then what did you come here for?”
I looked around before my eyes fully landed on him.Why was I here?
“You don’t know and that’s okay. After what you went through, it’s okay not to know what’s next, but to be pulled toward something bigger than yourself.”
He was about to start a spiel and I wasn’t up for that. I had other things on my mind, things that differed from his thought that I was kept here for a reason tied to any church or religious building.
“Nah. That ain’t it.”
“Then what is it?” He seemed interested in the next few words about to spill from my lips.
“What does the good book say about retribution?”
He was quiet for a moment, eyes on me. “That even if you seek some sort of vengeance within your own heart, it will only make the hole bigger. That maybe one should forgive and give penance for acts se?—”
“I got a lot of shit in me, including one of the bullets meant to end my life, but I damn sure don’t have forgiveness in me.”
“When digging a hole for one, you should dig a hole for two. Acting out of revenge is a double-edged sword.” I could tell the moment he figured out what I was saying.
“Well, my plot is already dug, so I don’t have to do too much digging.”
He shook his head. “You didn’t come here to ask about vengeance. You don’t care what I think. You came here seeking permission from a God you don’t believe in. You want to know if you’ll be the same man afterwards.”
I shook my head. “I’m already not the same man, Father. I’m dead, remember?” I stood to my feet.
I left the church a little later and went to my next destination. Instead of pulling up in front of Adrian’s house, I eased a few houses down and slouched in the seat. She wasn’t home, which I expected, because her cocaine white Audi wasn’t parked in the driveway. She’d never been one to park in the garage. She usedit as a space to do nails. The show she put on at my funeral was almost believable.
I didn’t know how long I sat there staring at the house before the car pulled up. Instead of pulling into the driveway, the car remained out front and she got out of the passenger seat. Whoever was driving didn’t get out but idled long enough for her to get my son out of the back seat. When she had him, the driver pulled off nearly before she could close the damn door. Had to be a nigga because that was some reckless mess.
I watched her until she carried my son into the house, climbed the stairs, and turned on the light in Junior’s room. It was on for a few minutes before it went off but the room wasn’t all the way dark. That meant she had his nightlight on. He didn’t like the dark because he believed that was when the monsters came out.
I shook my head as I watched her go back down the stairs. I hated this house. Even when she begged me to look at it, I always believed a person could see too much from the outside and I was right. When the lights were on, every fucking thing was visible. She wanted to live in Lower Briar so fucking bad that she didn’t even realize it made her a whole ass mark. There were more break-ins in this neighborhood than where we came from. At least in Watertown a nigga knew he’d catch a hot one. Here was different. This was middle class, uppity shit, folks who made a lil something extra enough to feel secure in this neighborhood. She begged me for this life, but I was too caught up in trying to maintain it when all she wanted to do was spend money.
I sat in the car long enough for the lights to go out in the whole house for a while. That indicated she was asleep, the perfect time for me to enter. She wouldn’t hear me coming because she had that sleep apnea machine. When she put that motherfucker over her face, she could literally sleep through anything.
