Chapter Nine
Kait
KAIT LAY back on the bed, trying to regain control of her breathing. Aurelian gathered her up and brought her fully onto the bed, settling her head on the pillows and pulling the sheets over her.
“That was…that was incredible,” she managed.
Aurelian stroked her hair and smiled. “Submission has its pleasures.”
Kait turned to look at him. “That’s why you stopped me, wasn’t it? To show me who was in control.”
“Yes,” he said simply. “What you were doing was fantastic, but if you really want to learn about submission, you can’t be the one dictating the pace.”
She thought about that. “That seems awfully limiting.”
“In one sense, I suppose,” replied Aurelian. “But submission isn’t as much about particular acts as it is about mindset. When you dressed as a novice and went to your knees in front of me— as amazing as that was, mind you—weren’t you trying to show me what you’d learned? Wasn’t it about whatyouwanted?”
“Yes, I suppose that’s true,” she conceded.
Kait felt confused. She had looked these things up on the House’s own set of practices for novices, had obtained a novice outfit, had planned everything out… Aurelian had looked so pleased. His jaw had dropped when he stepped out of the hallway. He had been surprised; he had been…not in control.
Kait cursed inwardly. Instead of letting go of the decision-making, she had tried to take it back from him. She had wanted to put him off-balance and dictate the pace of what was happening, to show how smart and capable she was.
She leaned up on her elbows. “I made a mistake, didn’t I?” she asked frankly.
Aurelian kept smiling and stroking her hair. “For good reasons, and with the best of intentions. And with lovely results.”
“Don’t sugarcoat it, Aurelian,” she replied. “I screwed up. Dammit!” She hit the pillow in frustration.
“ChereKait, this is the heart of your problem,” said Aurelian seriously. “You keep trying to outwit, outthink, and power through being a submissive. You need to justlet go.”
Kait sighed. “This is harder than I thought,” she admitted.
“Don’t think of it as a task,” Aurelian advised her. “Think of it as a treat. All day, you make hard decisions, live a life filled with responsibilities and consequences. But, when playtime begins, all of that drops away. You are responsible for nothing, need to decide nothing. During play, all of that happens for you, dictated by someone who cares for you, who has taken responsibility for you and your pleasure. Dominance, for any dom who is worth a damn, means care and responsibility.”
“Then why would anyone do it? Why wouldn’t everyone want to be a sub and be taken care of?” Kait asked, curious.
Aurelian smiled.
I really do like his smiles. They turn his face into a sunrise.
“It is a very good question,cherie. What makes a dom a dom? What drives that person? Why do some people want to take charge and some people want to surrender, and under what circumstances does that change?” Aurelian drew Kait closer and hugged her to his chest.
“I cannot say for certain, Kait. As they say, the heart wants what it wants. There are all sorts of psychological theories about childhood experiences and sexual identity, but, to be honest, I have no confidence they know what they are talking about. They would have a field day diagnosing me. Did you know psychology once diagnosed homosexuality and bisexuality as mental illnesses?”
Kait laughed.
“It’s true!” said Aurelian earnestly. “So I leave the psychology to the psychologists and just try to know myself and do my best to make sure I am not causing any harm.”
Hard to argue with that. “So, if my heart wants to be submissive, why am I having so much trouble with it?” she asked.
Aurelian frowned. “It is not clear to me you want to be submissive. You want to become a novice, but that is not about you, it is about your sister. Whether or not this is something you want foryourself, well…you must listen carefully to the wishes of your heart.”
It’s true. I really don’t know what I want. I love this man’s company, and being with him is like cosmic space sex, but is this actually what my heart wants? I’m so confused.
A word choice of his suddenly came back to her. “You called dom/sub sex ‘play’ and ‘playtime.’ Why that choice of words?” she asked.
“I must not forget I am talking to a journalist, even if she is in my bed,” Aurelian chuckled. “I call it that because itisplay. Sex is playtime for adults. It is where we leave our cares behind to seek fun and maybe even learn a thing or two.” He playfully touched Kait’s nose and laughed when she wrinkled her face.
