“If I’m still working in Chicago when my mom’s touring show comes through town, I’ll get to see her. You know, two birds with one stone?”
I frown, unsure of what she's saying. “Well, it’s good you might get to see your mom. But I’m not so sure y’all should be throwing any stones at the birds in a big city like Chicago. You might wind up in jail.”
Madison’s laugh over the phone makes me chuckle. I love it when I’m able to make her laugh. I miss it. I miss her smile. I miss her syrupy eyes and her pomegranate lips. I’m glad she didn’t lose her job. Happy but sad, because now she doesn’t seem to have any time for me, especially with her new work schedule. But I meant it when I said I was happy she might get to see her mom.
“I promise I’ll try and stay in touch better, okay?”
“Okay.”
“I’ve gotta go, George. They’re boarding the plane. It was so great to hear your voice.”
“Yours too.”
I can hear the background noise of a gate agent over a loudspeaker as Madison utters, “Goodbye.”
The line goes dead before I can reply. “Bye.” I hold the phone in my hand and look at it, disappointment washing over me.
“Love you,” I add in a gravelly whisper.
Madison stayed in touch for the next few weeks. She sent me sweet text messages and called me from airports. She even sent me a gorgeous selfie, her beautiful expression turning my insides into a twirling mix of lust and longing.
But after another month of not seeing her in person, the texts and phone calls seemed to fizzle, becoming fewer and far between.
Worried, I texted her again.
I’m doing better this month, but I still miss you.
Her response came in the form of a sad face emoji and two words,I’m sorry.
I have no idea what that means. Is she sorry she’s so busy? Or is she sorry she made a promise she can’t keep?
Whatever her excuse this time, I know deep down I’m not equipped to continue a relationship like this. I need to know if she’s in or out. I need to stop thinking about her laugh, her lips, and her eyes. I need to move on with my life and concentrate on my grandfather, who is now housebound and being takencare of by Betty Lou and a team of part-time nurses.
I don’t dare tell Madison that I feel like the end is near for poor Pop. It seems like she’d be too busy to care anyway. She certainly doesn’t act like she cares about me, so why would she be concerned about my grandfather?
Feeling bold and needing closure, I gathered the courage to send her a final text:
I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. But I know for sure I’ll always miss you.
I mute her number after my last text, ready to move on without the possibility of her return. I’m prepared to focus on the here and now, giving my full attention to my dying grandfather.
I need to stop pining for the city girl who holds my heart hostage.
***
My mind remains blank with indifference as I hoist a heavy bundle of lavender into my truck, my gait slow and grueling. I’m tired.
The summer season is officially over, and the only remnants of the once-lush fields are drying out in the rafters of the old barn. And isn’t that what my heart is now? Dried out?
I glance at the tree line along Pine Mountain Ridge, the leaves starting to ever so slightly show early signs of fall. Grandma Rosie always loved this time of year. I can almost hear her gentle words in the breeze, how autumn teaches us that change can be beautiful.
And I am changing. Or maybe I’ve already changed. My heart has hardened, leaving me in a state of emotional distance.My walls are up, protecting myself from further pain and disappointment.
I will myself to stop caring about Madison. She once said she would help me. But with or without her, I know it’s time to make some major decisions and help myself.
I’ve decided to make a go of my life on my own terms. Alone.
In the evening, I sit next to my grandfather’s bedside. His old dog, Earl, sleeps soundly on the braided rug next to the bed, never leaving his side. I keep quiet and watch him sleep. The drugs administered earlier by the night nurse did what they were supposed to, keeping him comfortable and allowing him to rest.
