I wanted to die. I didn’t want to feel guilty anymore. I didn’t want to be hurt anymore. Death would have been so much easier.
Johanna broke down, crumbling over the table. Luke was at her side in an instant and she turned into his embrace. He picked her up and carried her, sitting with her on one of the couches while she cried into his shirt. He rubbed her hair and stroked her back, but otherwise said nothing. He never asked what happened to make her cry, or what she’d written. He was just there throughout it all.
* * *
By her next session, Johanna was excited to start meditation, to doanythingelse but fucking cry. She had never cried so much in her entire life, and she was tired of it. Estelle, on the other hand, thought she was making progress, but Johanna couldn’t see it herself.
Estelle says I need to cut myself some slack. It’s not that I don’t believe her, I just don’t know how to. That’s the problem, isn’t it?
Johanna sighed.
I feel as though I have more problems than solutions, and sometimes it doesn’t seem worth it at all. I feel weak. I feel pitiful. I feel like the world is just moving around me while I’m stuck standing still. Every time I try to move with it, I fall into a pothole, or a sewage drain, or something. But even all of that feels ridiculous.
I’m here. I’m alive right now. I’m living and breathing and safe. I’m safe, and yet I’ve never felt more afraid. I remember feeling like this when I regained consciousness, that if I reached out too far, if I hoped just a little too much, that everything would come crumbling down and it would all be my fault. It would serve me right for trying.
But I want to try. I wish I didn’t, but I want to.
Johanna sat up straighter in her chair as her resolve burst through her.
Dani’s wedding is in less than three months, and by then I will be better. That’s a promise to me and to everyone I love.
I won’t give up.
* * *
As excited as Johanna had been for her meditation practices, it wasn’t going well. She couldn’t seem to sit in the quiet and train her mind to turn off. Each time she closed her eyes, another thought, another feeling, another longing emerged and buzzed around her head until with a frustrated sigh she opened her eyes.
The moment she did, Luke appeared in the doorway with what looked like a yoga mat.
“What are you doing?”
“You’ve been having a hard time with meditation, so I thought I’d come try it with you.”
A small smile graced her face as he lined the mat up in front of her own. “You don’t have to do that.”
“I know, but I want to,” he said, sitting down to face her.
Johanna tilted her head to the side as he settled in. “I know you want to help, and I appreciate it more than I can ever tell you, but having you in front of me is only going to distract me more.”
He smirked, and she realized just how much she’d missed that little knowing curl of his lips.
“Glad to see you’re still interested, but no. This is couples’ meditation. I found a guided meditation app and figured that might help you since it will be something to listen to. Afterward we can do the couples’ breathwork session, if you’d like to give it a try,” he said softly.
Johanna reached out and squeezed his hand. “Yes, I would. Thank you for doing all of this for me.”
Luke cupped her cheek. She closed her eyes, feeling the warmth of his palm on her skin.
“I will always do anything I can for you. Remember, we’re in this together.”
He started the app and Johanna followed its instructions. It guided her to breathe in and take in the scents around her, so she focused on Luke’s unique fragrance. It filled her nostrils just as his heartbeat and breathing filled her ears, and she sighed. The tension in her body settled down as Johanna fell into a rhythm with him, and then the guided meditation ended and she wondered where the time had gone.
Luke opened his eyes and seemed to be just as lost as she was. He held out his hand to her and she took it. Then he spread his legs, picked her up, and deposited her on his lap. She squeaked and he laughed.
Johanna wrapped her legs around him. He pulled her close and they just held one another. She could feel the beating of his heart, so strong it felt like it was her own. She felt the rumble of his chest as each breath filled and left his lungs. The tickle of his body hair awakened her every nerve ending, and yet she’d never felt so peaceful in her entire life.
They stayed like that for minutes, maybe even hours. All she knew was that in that moment she felt as though they were one, and it was the most beautiful thing she’d ever experienced.
After a while, Luke slipped his arms from her back and she did the same, believing he meant to pull away entirely, instead he took her hand and laid it over his heart. Then he did the same with his hand over hers. He rested his forehead against her own, and they shared their breaths.
