I fiddled with the hem of my skirt, then forced myself to stop and took a deep breath. “My homework assignment is to tell at least one person how I feel about them. Would you mind if I tried with you?”
“Oh Catalina… of course you can!” The smile in her voice warmed my heart.
I squeezed my wrists. A part of me felt silly for being so nervous. I wanted to chastise myself for it, tell myself to grow up, but that wouldn’t fix anything.
Remember what Estelle said. It’s okay to do things while you’re afraid.
“Our friendship surprised me." I drew in a deep breath. "I keep people at an arm’s length and for most of my life, I’ve thought that’s what I had to do to survive. I never thought I’d have a friend, especially not one so fast. It’s hard for me to trust others like that.”
Another deep breath. "But you make it easy. You've been nothing but nice… no, kind to me. You've involved me in your world and shared so much with me. You inspire me and I admire your strength to constantly fight against the trauma you've faced."
I swallowed hard.Remember, it doesn't matter how long she's in your life or what happens tomorrow. This is about joy, experiencing and sharing joy, allowing someone in. You can do it.
"I only hope to be half the woman you are and to leave as much of an impact on people as you do. Thank you for being my friend."
"I..." Jo choked, then sniffled. "Thank you. Thank you for sharing all of that with me, but can I tell you a secret?"
"What is it?"
"I feel the same way about you."
I gasped. "What? But?—"
"You don't see it because you don't know how to yet, but you leave an impact on everyone you touch. You've left one on me, even on Daniella and Mya, and they've only met you twice."
She cleared her throat. "I know you haven't had a good life, that you haven't been treated in the way you deserve, but it's the truth. You are an absolutely incredible woman. Your courage is astounding. You're a leader, one that is so wise, patient, and determined to do the best for all of those around you, not realizing that you already do. You give your all, Catalina. I see that and anyone around you that doesn't is blind."
I opened and closed my mouth multiple times, unsure of what to say.
"I think that's why Estelle gave you this homework assignment."
"What do you mean?"
"I think she wanted you to share your feelings for someone close to you, but also hoped that you'd realize how much you meant to those around you, too."
"Oh," I muttered.
What Jo was saying made sense, but I didn't know how to wrap my mind around it and accept it.
It wasn't the first time someone had looked at me favorably. My familia did now, but I was doing something for them. That didn't diminish my efforts, but I thought it only made sense. Eventually, if you worked hard and helped others, they'd learn to lean on you. Even if that wasn't why I pushed myself so hard for them, it still had that outcome.
Marco was the first person who ever saw me differently. In the beginning, I thought everything he said, all his compliments and flirtations, were just to get something from me. But Marco didn't need me, not in the way others did. He simply wanted me in his life.
And now, there was Jo, one more person who didn't need me for anything but was still so kind and loving to me.
The monstrous voice laying within me awoke. Doubt crept into my mind.I wasn't worth all of that. I didn't deserve love or affection.No one could simply want me. They always had an underlying agenda.
I took a deep breath and practiced what Estelle had taught me. I didn't need to write down the worry or doubt. I'd always put my emotions in a jar, so the exercise felt familiar.
But this time, I took the negative self-talk, that I was worthless, broken, not deserving of anything or anyone, and gently placed it in a box. Then I visualized myself putting the lid on top, effectively sealing it out.
I took a breath, breathing in for four seconds, holding for seven, then exhaling for eight. I did it again and again, visualized myself being grounded. In my mind's eye, roots connected me to the Earth. We were one, a shared heartbeat that could never be destroyed.
Sunlight streamed across my desk, I held a pen in my hand, I heard the hum of my computer. Tasted the saliva in my mouth, smelled the scent of peonies and lavender, then lifted Marco's shirt which I'd begun wearing whenever he'd left my house, and inhaled the lingering scent of him too.
It brought me down from my anxiety, pulled me back to the present where I was safe and allowed to express myself freely.
It hadn't taken long, but Jo had given me space, staying silent as she waited for me to find my footing once more. "Thank you, not just for waiting, but for what you said. I never thought about it from that perspective."
