She shakes her head. “No, no, I can’t, Ice. Don’t make me go in there.”
I stand and grab her arm. “You’re fucking going in there, and you’re gonna be on your best behavior. That man loves you. The least you can do is give him some of your precious time before he dies.”
“It’s not that. I just can’t face him.”
I pull her up out of the chair. “You’re a fucking coward, Honey. You get your ass in there, and you better be fucking nice to him. Game time is over.”
She gets up and walks toward Hawk’s room. I follow her just to make sure she doesn’t take any detours. I never thought of Honey as being selfish before. She’s always been willing to give whatever was needed for the club. But now when Hawk needs her, she turns into a selfish bitch—or she is a good actress and has been all along. Well, I won’t have it. She’s in for a rude awakening if this attitude continues.
Honey
I hate him for making me do this. How can I face him? Hawk knows what I’ve done. He let me go. He knows I don’t love him the way he wants me to, but does he know I do love him, in a different way? I get to the door and decided I can’t do it. I turn to go a different way but see Ice right behind me. I have no choice but to go forward. Ice is making sure I do.
Maybe that is what I need to tell him. Ice is right. I open the door to his room and walk in. As soon as he sees me, he smiles. I love his smile. I always have.
I walk to the bed and sit in the chair next to him. Before he can say anything, I grab his hand and say, “I’m so sorry, Hawk. I’m so sorry for everything.” I can’t keep the tears from falling down my cheeks. My emotions are so torn. I’m consumed with guilt, and it’s only made worse by the fact that I know he’s dying.
“Baby, stop. I knew going in there were going to be things we would have to overcome. I knew you still harbored feelings for Ice, but I didn’t care. You were worth the risk.”Worth the risk? Damn, he is so blinded. I’m not worth the risk for any man, especially him. He’s too good and deserves so much more.
“I know you knew about Ice—hell, you helped me get over him—but Sainte? I don’t know where that came from. I hate him, remember? I don’t like him. But he was like a bulldozer pushing his way in. I should have never kissed him, Hawk, and it kills me that you saw it.”
“We’ve already talked about all this. You know my feelings on the matter. There is no reason to waste what little time we have on the past.” He takes a deep, labored breath. “I don’t have much time. Listen to me. I wish only one thing for you, and that is to be happy. Stop hiding behind your demons and live, Honey. You deserve so much. You deserve more than something safe. You deserve passion and lust and, above all else, deep love. Don’t settle for anything less.”
“But, Hawk—” Tears stream down my cheeks.
“No buts, no regrets, and definitely no ‘I’m sorrys.’ We’ve talked about this, and I still stand by what I said before we left for New York. Sainte is the man for you. Give him a chance. He will give you everything you need. You’re the girl for him, and he will love you unconditionally. Don’t let fear rule your life. It’s time to stop being afraid.” He’s quiet and then says, “And, Honey, stop using.”
I look at him incredulously. “How?” I whisper.
“Never mind how. Just stop. It’s not the person you want to be.”
I lay my head on the bed next to him and sob. I’m losing him.
“I’ve already broken a promise I made you the day we left for New York—when I said I would always be there for you. I should have never made a promise I wouldn’t be able to keep. I’m sorry for that, but there is one promise I know I can keep. No matter what happens to me when I am gone, whatever the afterlife has in store for me, I want you to know I will always love you.”
I’m sobbing uncontrollably now. I look up at him and say, “I love you too, Hawk.”
“I know, baby. I know. It’s time. Why don’t you see if Michael worked his magic and let the others come in. It’s almost time.”
I lean over him and kiss him full on the lips. I linger at his side for a few moments. Tears continue to fall down the side of my face and drip onto the sheets. “I’ll always love you, Hawk.”
He touches the side of my cheek. “I know, baby. Be happy.”
I get up from the side of the bed and head back to the waiting room. Michael is there, and it appears that he worked his Vitali charm with the hospital staff.
“You all can go in and see him.”
“Thank you, Michael. I don’t know what you did, but I really appreciate it,” Ice says to him as the others proceed toward Hawk’s room. Ice then follows, and I follow behind Ice. He turns back toward me. “You didn’t upset him?”
I shake my head. “No,” I reply softly.
Hawk was able to say his good-byes to all of us. When he spoke to everyone he wanted, he fell asleep and never woke up. It was so peaceful, and it fucking broke my heart.
Ice
It’s time to leave New York. All our bags are packed and ready to head back to Edinboro. I’m sitting in Michael’s office. There are some loose ends that need to be tied up.
“Ice, I am so sorry for your loss,” Michael says. “I am forever in your debt. You helped me get my girl back, and I know what it’s cost you. Anything you want or need, you got it.”
