Everything went so wrong with us. And the great guy he was… In the end, he still stood behind me. He was always there for me. He was the one I could always count on, the one I leaned on. And how did I repay him?
What am I gonna do without him?I am so disgusted with myself. I never loved him, nor ever would love him the way he loved me. I think to myself, Yeah, he was the one you used.He deserved so much more.
My chest is heavy, and I can’t breathe. I’m suffocating.
Anger rises within me as my heart hammers on. My whole body lightly shakes.Oh God, please don’t let them see.I need a hit so badly, I can almost taste it.You can do this, Honey. Get a hold of yourself.The words in my head do nothing to help me. I look down at my hand, and it won’t stop shaking.
I look around the room at all these fucking people who think they know. They don’t know shit. There are so many of them. The clubhouse is packed with people all paying their respects to their lost brother. But what about me? Don’t they understand I want to be alone? Don’t they understand I want all of them to fucking leave? Every one of them. Members from all the charters, Ice, Emma, Ari, Rebel, and fucking Sainte. Oh, don’t get me started on Sainte. I am feeling this way because of Sainte. It’s his fault Hawk died with a broken heart. He’s the reason I’m so broken.
I look around the room again.
I can’t take any more.
I grab my purse and run for the door. Everyone is talking, reminiscing about Hawk, and I pray my leaving goes unnoticed. When I get to the door, I open it and pause, taking a full deep breath of fresh air. Then I close the door behind me and run. I have no fucking idea where I’m running. I just need to get the fuck out of there and run away.I need a hit.
Tears stream down my face as flashbacks of Hawk fill my head. It’s as if I’m reliving everything we shared together in chronological order. I watch our first meeting when Ice brought me to the club. I see his face when he realizes I slept with Ice. All those talks after Emma came into our lives, when I lost Ice to her. He did everything to try to mend my broken heart.But what about his heart?And I knew those talks caused him so much pain, but I didn’t care. It was all about me, and he was always there to listen. Then it was our turn, and I thought I was really ready to give him a chance. I really thought I could love him, and I did, but not the way he wanted me to. He knew better, especially after Sainte arrived. Even though it broke his heart, he let me go. He wanted more. He deserved more. He knew I could never give him more.
The sound of my feet hitting the pavement hammers in my ears. My head is pounding. As I continue to run, I hear footsteps behind me.Fuck, no! I don’t want to talk to him!I don’t have to turn around to know who it is. I know it’s him even before he calls my name.
“Honey,” he hollers.
I ignore him and keep running. Maybe if I don’t acknowledge him, he’ll go away. Fat chance. Hawk’s last words were about him. He was convinced Sainte was the man for me. Hell, he insisted I give him a chance. I tried to tell him it’s not Sainte I want, but Hawk would hear nothing of it. He was sure he knew. I even tried to tell him the man repulses me, but he laughed. He said I was lying to myself. Maybe Hawk is right, but how can I ever look at him without thinking of Hawk? This is all his fault anyway— his and those fucking Vitalis’.
He calls after me again. “Honey! Will you fucking stop?”
I know I can’t outrun him and he is gaining on me. Reluctantly, I stop and turn back to face him.
I place my hands on my hips. “What the fuck do you want, Sainte?” I barely get it out because I’m so out of shape and running is probably not the best thing to be doing right now. Especially in my condition.I need some coke.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
I take a deep breath. “That’s none of your business.”
He grabs my arm. “Come on, darlin’, come back. Running away isn’t gonna solve anything.”
Who the fuck does he think he is? I angrily pull my arm away from him. “Go away, Sainte! You repulse me, especially knowing this is all your fault!”
He touches his hand to his heart. “My fault? Are you fucking kidding me?” He takes a step closer and glares at me. “And tell me, Feisty Pants, how is any of this my fault?”
I push my shoulders back and get in his face. In a calm and clear voice, I say, “Hawk would not be dead if it weren’t for you and your fucking family.”
He cocks his head. “And how did you figure that one out?”
“Well, if you really want to know… If we weren’t involved with the Vitalis, you would have never come here and we would have never gone to New York. We would have stayed in Edinboro, and Hawk would still be alive.”
He laughs. How dare he laugh? “Really smart thinkin’ there, sweetheart. Did you go to college to come up with your deduction?”
I pull my hand back to slap him, but he grabs it and stops me. He’s too strong for me, holding my arm firmly in his grasp. “If memory serves me right, princess, Hawk was shot saving your precious Ice! Why don’t you blame him?”
“You leave Ice out of this. This is not his fault.” He releases my arm. “Be a man, Sainte, and own up and take responsibility for your part in all this?”
“Really? And what about you? You played a big part in this, or is breaking the man’s heart a minor technicality?”
“Just leave me alone, Sainte!” I yell back. I turn away from him and run off again. Surprisingly, he says nothing and doesn’t come after me. I can feel the distance between us get wider, and I couldn’t be more pleased.
God, I need a hit.
I decide to call Slash to see what I can get my hands on. There’s fifty bucks in my pocket that’s itching to be spent on something that will take all this fucking pain away.I just need something to take the pain away, if only for a short time. Just enough so I can breathe again.
