What did she want to do? Her mind whirled with possibilities, but there was only one that gave her any peace whatsoever. “I want to finish my mourning period before I think about anything else. Mr. Allen gave me so much that I cannot bear to disrespect his memory.”
“Let me ask you this. How well do you think Mr. Worsley knows you?” asked Lady Matlock. It seemed such an odd question for her to ask so suddenly.
“I think he knows me fairly well,” Mary answered. “As well as anyone can when you only meet a few times a week at various social events.”
“Does he know how much you respect Mr. Allen’s memory?” Lady Matlock asked.
“Certainly,” said Mary.
“Then perhaps he is not here so that you can continue your mourning period in peace,” said Lady Matlock.
Such an assumption could only be true under one of two conditions. Either he knew about her own feelings towards himself or he had developed feelings for her. Both possibilities filled her with an anxious mixture of hope and fear.
Hesitantly, Mary said, “Do you, perhaps, think he might return my affection?”
“I do not know,” said Lady Matlock, “and even if I did, I wouldn’t tell you. I suggest you put this all out of your mind as much as you can, under the assumption that Mr. Worsley is giving you the space you need to mourn your husband. Then, when you have given Mr. Allen the respect you feel he deserves, you can see if you still have feelings for Mr. Worsley and possibly discover if he returns those feelings.”
Mary thought her advice was sound, but it seemed rather hard, considering she had only just managed to put a name to her feelings for Mr. Worsley.
Before she could respond, however, Lady Matlock said, “I am not suggesting you suppress your emotions, but there is no need to feed them either. If you need to talk about this again or even cry over it, I will be here, at least while you are here in London. I suggest you speak about it to Miss Bennet as well, though, so that you are not left without support when you go back home to Hertfordshire.”
The idea of talking to Elizabeth about something like this felt odd. Mary considered herself to be something like Elizabeth’s guardian, so she tended to think of her sister as younger than herself. The reality was, however, that Elizabeth was two years older than Mary. Perhaps, she could confide in her. But not today. Today, she was emotionally exhausted.
“Thank you, Lady Matlock,” said Mary. “Thank you for helping me understand myself. I think it might have taken me many months to figure this out on my own, if I ever managed to do so at all.”
“You are very welcome, my dear,” said Lady Matlock. “Now that I know what is ailing you, I am wondering if you are still planning to go back home at the end of this month. You had mentioned you might extend your stay, but I have yet to hear anything definitive.”
“Elizabeth and I have decided to stay until the end of May. She is enjoying her time here too much for me to wish to cut it short when it isn’t necessary. When the weather warms up a bit more, and London’s smells become stronger, I suspect she will be all too happy to depart for the country.”
The two friends chatted for a bit longer, discussing various plans and events that they would be attending together. Just before she left, Lady Matlock left Mary with some shocking news.
“I feel that it is in your best interest that you know something about Mr. Worsley,” she said. “He has a title, though he insists that none of his friends in London use it, because it is merely a courtesy title. His full name is Gregory Worsley, Earl of Pendleton. When his father passes away, he will become the sixth Marquess of Glyndebourne. I didn’t tell you earlier, because I honestly thought you would discover it for yourself, but if you are still ignorant of the fact even now, it would be a disservice to allow you to continue in such ignorance.”
The shock stupefied Mary, and she did not fully recover the use of her faculties until well after Lady Matlock had departed the house.
Mary’s mood improved marginally after her conversation with Lady Matlock. Though she was tempted many times, she never was able to discuss her feelings with Elizabeth. There just didn’t seem to be a good opportunity, and since there was no urgency to the issue, it did not feel necessary to bring it up.
Whenever Mary felt herself feeling loss, she spent some time pondering, attempting to discern whether she was missing Mr. Allen, Mr. Worsley, or something else entirely. By doing so, she was able to gain a great deal of insight.
She realized that what she missed most about Mr. Allen wasn’t his company, his presence, but it was the feeling of security he gave her. When she was married to him, she knew that no matter what happened he would always take care of any problem that arose. She had gradually come to know that he would do whatever was in his power to make her happy.
This was far more than she had ever received from anyone. Her parents, with their profligate and negligent ways had never inspired such confidence, nor had they ever given her happiness any sort of priority. She had always been the least of the sisters, the last to be considered.
Was it any wonder that Mary had developed such a strong attachment to her husband and that she had suffered so greatly upon his demise? She was now required to see to her own happiness, her own security. Even there, however, Mr. Allen’s influence was felt. He was the one who had given her the knowledge she had lacked and the opportunity to grow.
Because of Mr. Allen, Mary was a confident, wealthy woman, and she was fairly secure in the knowledge that she would remain so. What she was not so certain of was whether she had the ability to ensure her own happiness. She would, however, do what Mr. Allen had always encouraged her to do. If she did not know how to do something, she would attempt it anyway. Even if she failed, she would learn and try again.
During this time, Mary also came to accept that she had never loved Mr. Allen, at least not in any sort of romantic sense. She had loved him like a father, like a friend, but there had never been any attraction between them. It took a great deal of time and thinking to overcome the guilt she felt at this realization. Eventually, she realized that she had done everything that was within her control to be the best wife she could be. She had givenhim everything she had to give. What mattered most was that she had made him happy, and of that she was certain.
As Mary’s understanding of her own feelings toward her late husband increased, so too did her understanding of her feelings toward Mr. Worsley. Where she had felt no attraction for Mr. Allen, she knew that the opposite was true with Mr. Worsley. She had been attracted to him from the moment she laid eyes on him, before they had ever even spoken.
This attraction had only increased as she got to know him better. He was an interesting conversationalist, intelligent and concise. Talking to him always expanded her understanding of the world around her, and he seemed to have as much pleasure in her company as she did in his. She often felt that even if they talked together every day, they would never run out of things to say to each other.
Mary wondered what would have happened had he stayed in London longer last year, before Mr. Allen’s death. As she thought about how her feelings for him had grown this year, she shuddered to think how much Mr. Worsley would have eventually disturbed her peace had he stuck around. She would have been forced to take drastic measures to avoid him in order to remain emotionally faithful to her own husband, and the process would have been enormously painful.
Now, however, Mary learned to be at peace with her feelings. Lady Matlock had been correct that she was no longer bound by her marriage vows. Maintaining her period of mourning was a show of respect for Mr. Allen, but her feelings were free to be what they wished to be. She had no husband to maintain faithfulness to.
There were still two things that marred Mary’s newfound peace. The first was the fact that she missed Mr. Worsley a great deal. Though he had promised they would meet again and thathe very much looked forward to it, she still doubted. What if he found another lady he liked better? What if he was simply too busy in Eastbourne to travel? Occasionally, a small voice whispered in her mind, what if he died before she could see him again?
