I heard my mother loud and clear, and I also understood her words for what they were. However, therewasa logical explanation for everything. As a man, I’d learned that to be a fact. The Rodríguezes getting to Bahati and knowing she and Shya existed before me couldn’t have been a case of them having one up on me. If it had been, then I was losing my fucking edge.
If Shya wasn’t mine, there wouldn’t be a crevice on this Earth where Bahati could hide. I’d kill her, have my doctors resuscitate her, and kill her ass again. But if she were mine, it meant I had missed years—pivotal years—of her life. Shya was so put off by being in my home that she cried and didn’t talk to anyone, not even her mama.If she were mine, I’d be sick to my stomach because of our predicament and the hand I played in it.
I missed her birth, Bahati’s pregnancy, Bahati’s belly kicks, and the initial finding out I was becoming a father before actually becoming one. I’d missed the late-night snack runs for Bahati’s cravings and taking the night shift so Bahaticould sleep. I’d missed doctors’ appointments, cutting the cord during the birth. I’d missed the chance to soothe her after her first shots, hearing her first words, and seeing her first steps. I’d missed one of the most vital places for a Black man to be present, knowing how important representation was in the delivery room. Mortality rates are highest among Black women because of a lack of village and the stigmas in healthcare surrounding Black people. Bahati could have died bringing a life into this world that was connected to me. The entire situation sat deep in my soul, and I kept it there because I was afraid of acknowledging all of it.
My mama placed her hand back on my face, this time, having to lean in since I was further away from her. “It will all work out as it should, son. Trust in the Lord and more than that, trust yourself. Take as much time as you need. I’ll be here… I’m always here.”
“I know, Mama.”
“Good.” She grinned. “Now…”
“What else, Mama?”
“Where is my pretty little sinner? She taking this okay?”
“What makes you think Solana’s opinion in the situation matters?” I chuckled with the shake of my head.
“Oh boy! I changed your damn diapers. I knowthings.”
“Yeah? What do you know?”
“I know that Solana is special. But before she can be special to anyone, she needs to get right.”
“With the Lord?”
“No. With herself, and then the Lord. That baby is fighting big demons.” My mama patted my cheek again and then stood. “Now, come on. My favorite son is taking me to lunch and then dropping me off at the hair salon. I have two hours to spare before my appointment, and I want to eat at that Asian fusion spot on the bay.”
I wasn’t dressed for lunch, but what the first lady wanted, the first lady got. If I’d known this would be a visit that required us to go out, I would’ve at least thrown on a Nike Tech suit.
Towering over her, I popped my back as I stretched. “You just wanna go to that restaurant because it’s next to the Hermès store.”
“Yeap! And I may or may not have a leather appointment in the next hour. That gives us twenty minutes to get there and forty minutes to eat. That’s plenty. The Lord don’t like gluttony no way.”
“I may have a couple dollars to spare.”
“You gonna need more than a couple to buy this bag, son. Or should I go get Timothy’s Amex?” Her brows lifted.
“I think I got enough, First Lady Washington.”
“Ummhmm.” She side-eyed me. “I know you do. I was going to settle for a Celine, but since you hiding my grandbaby from me like ya name Drake instead of Shio, I gots to charge ya.”
“That ain’t Godly, Mama.”
“It ain’t, but who gone check me? Alrighty then.”
My mother had me laughing my ass off. That lady, as sanctified as she was, played no games.
“Mama,” I asked as she gathered her purse, a tangerine-colored Chanel that I couldn’t remember if I’d bought or her husband.
“Yes, son?”
“On the drive, can you tell me how you knew Solana was on drugs and I didn’t?”
“Oh, baby… I know you may sell it, but I dealt with your father having that monkey on his tail for a decade. I can spot the signs with my eyes closed.” She reached for my hand. “You know it’s nothing you can do but let her fight it, right? You can’t force her to get clean. She has to want to do it for herself.”
I didn’t have a reply, so I remained silent. Solana should’ve been an afterthought now that I didn’t have to see or deal with her every day. That shit didn’t stop me from watching her ass on the cameras during the majority of my free time. Whenever I had a moment where my eyes didn’t have to be on swivel, I planted them bitches on my phone. Solana was in bad shape, but it wasn’t enough for me to show up at Jisei’s townhouse. I needed to steer clear and let her battle that shit.
I grunted, finally acknowledging what my mother said. “I thought they said men go after women that are like their mothers? Must’ve meant fathers.”
