The imaginary diamond I had been staring at vanished, and now I was back to looking at the gold ring. It was an illusion, just like me thinking I could ever get out of this arrangement. It was all smoke and mirrors, and when it was all said and done, I’d have to face the music.
Scoffing, I switched the ring back to the middle finger.
A man who sent his own daughter to be poked and prodded every thirty days wasn’t the kind of man who would just let me run off into the sunset with Shio. He’d made a deal, and if I didn’t go through with it, Shio and the rest of the mob would suffer. I didn’t care how carefree my life was here. There was no way I was letting that happen.
Just thinking of Shio made butterflies swarm in my belly. He was such a beautiful man. Even last night with his damaged eyes, scarred body, and sweaty pores, he was nothing short of perfection. He deserved a perfect wife. He deserved someone who didn’t come with all the issues I did. I refused to bring anguish to the one man who had come along and hadn’t let me down.
No.
I knew what I had to do. I was giving in—tirar la toalla(throwing in the towel). But my father would not win that easily. If I were going to sell my soul to the devil, I’d have my fun first. I’d been deemed a virgin this morning after my doctor’s appointment, but tonight, that would be no more.
Taking a deep, agonizing breath, I closed my eyes. There was a pain in the back of my throat, and the turning of my stomach gave way to the fact that my appetite had diminished. Knowing what I had to do made me physically and mentally ill. He’d madea promise to me last night that he’d fight for me, and I agreed in that moment when we were body to body in the bathtub. But I was reneging. Against Shio’s wishes, I was going back to México.
My chin dipped into my chest as my posture slumped. My skin felt itchy and hot. I couldn’t face Shio right now, but if I was going to get through the night and let him have me, I would have to stop hiding in this closet like a child. I did not want to go back home. God, no. My decision to do so was spineless, but I knew it was the right thing to do for everyone. Felipe did not deserve a pure woman. No. After our date tonight, I would allow Shio to deflower me.
I wasn’t sure how he would fit inside of me, but if Uriah could handle him, I could too. I planned to let Shio have his way with me, and once he was asleep, I’d call my Papa to fly me back home so we could arrange the marriage. I did not want to give Felipe more time to come after the Rinaldi Mob. The sooner he could become my husband, the sooner all this would end. I loved it here, but the idea of Shio getting caught in the crossfire was enough to kill me. Those women—I couldn’t ruin their lives. So, here I was…
Standing over the one thing that had kept me sane these past few years.
Cocaína(cocaine).
White. Powdery. Potent. Pure bliss.
Picking up the rolled bill, I held it to my nostrils and inhaled deeply. My eyes bucked, my nose burned, and my throat tickled. The powder nearly made me choke, but I swallowed it down. Closing my eyes, I let the drug settle in. My heart began to drum, syncing with the loud music. Standing up straight, I dropped the bill on the island. Opening my mouth, I bared my teeth back as my gums began to tingle.
Staring back at my reflection, I hardly recognized myself. Aside from the white powder on my nose, I looked likesomething out of a magazine. Shio had turned me into a supermodel. My abs were visibly firm through the dress, my legs were toned, and the glam team had done their job well. There was nothing in this closet that wasn’t expensive. The color of my dress was even more vibrant as the drug settled in my veins. Tilting my head, my curls bounced with animation, making me laugh out loud. My senses were sharpened, and every hair on my body stood to attention. This was the rush I needed to get through the next few hours. I was about to pull a cowardly move and leave like a thief in the night, but not before my consolation prize for the heartbreak I was giving myself.
I was giving my virginity to a man who deserved it. I couldn’t wait to be stuffed with all things Shio after dinner. I wanted to feel him in every hole. He could even put it in my ears if he wanted, and I knew that was impossible.
My mouth watered with satisfaction as mycoño(pussy) thudded along with my heart and the music. That man, that man. Everything about that man turned me on. I told myself I was done with the drugs after last night. I was going to be Shio’s woman, and he needed a clean lady. He was ahombre temeroso de Dios(God-fearing man). There was no way he could be attached to a girl who liked to get high like that private jet that brought me to the States. No, Shio needed a delicate lady like his mother, the First Lady.
I told myself I was done, and I was done until I wasn’t.
Being void of the drug, the worry started, the fear surfaced, and I found myself pacing until Shio came home blind. We had a moment in the tub. He told me there were no secrets, and even though I agreed, I knew there was no way I could honor it and tell him my choices. Seeing him vulnerable and willing to risk it all for me, I knew what I had to do. I had to leave. I had to give him his life back. But selfishly, I had to have him in some capacity. I owed that to myself.
Warmth infused my body as I thrust my chest out. Shio would be taking my virginity tonight, and even though I was entering a high, I couldn’t wait to feel every inch of him. During my visit, the doctor alerted me that I was ovulating, so, prayerfully, he didn’t use protection. The biggest fuck you to the Rodríguezes would be if my father delivered a pregnant “virgin” to them. Just the thought had me tossing my head back in laughter.
¡Un virgen embarazada!(A pregnant virgin!)
I nearly stumbled in the six-inch heels but caught myself using the edge of the island. The speaker changed to another one of my favorite songs, so I began to sway with the beat.
“Sí, eso es lo que haré. ¡Dejaré que me embarace!(Yes, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll let him get me pregnant!)”
Once they found out, I knew they wouldn’t let me have the child, but just the look on my fiancé’s face would be enough for me. Carrying a piece of Shio while I married another man would still make me feel protected in a sick, twisted way. I’d feel like he was right there with me as I sealed my fate withel diablo(the devil). Still dancing, I picked up the rolled bill again and hit another line. My shoulders shook, and my eyes rolled back. There was one line left. Twisting my body seductively, I alternated between laughing, singing, and talking to myself. Outside ofcocaína(cocaine), Shio was the only other thing that made me feel like this.
Weightless. Lighthearted. Carefree.
My fingernails began to prickle as every neuron in my body fired.Cocaína(cocaine) made me feel unstoppable. When I was one with the drug, I no longer dreaded my past, present, or future. I loved my father with everything in me, but there were days when I wished I’d been born to a different family. I often wondered what my life would have looked like if my mother hadn’t been deceased. How would I have turned out as an Afro-Mexican living in the States? Would I still have run into Shio… Or a man like him, as the other mob wives had? Would I have found a man to love me and protect me and sex me? I’d wished it had been that way, but this was my life, and I had to take it into my own hands. Getting high and making love to Shio would be the first step in doing so.
Abruptly, I stopped dancing. I could feel my eyes well up as I stood and stared at my reflection. My lips were parted, involuntarily, and thick saliva was flooding my mouth. Still, I made no move to swallow it. My mind was racing a mile a minute. I wasn’t going to cry. Snorting this drug was supposed to ensure that I didn’t cry—that I didn’t feel. I just wanted to be happy and worry-free. Before I could stop myself, spit dripped down my lips, and without thinking, I used the back of my hand to wipe it away, taking some of my lip combo with it. They’d left the liner and lipstick behind, so I would touch up before Shio was ready to go.
Not feeling high enough, since thoughts of my current predicament were still on the surface, I placed the dollar bill to my nostril and took a long whiff at the last line.
“Oh fuuuuuck, papi,” I moaned as my eyes rolled to the back of my head.
It felt too good, too right, and I rejoiced at what was to come.
Finishing the three lines, I knew tonight would go off without me being in my head or my feelings. Shio could have me every which way, and although I was certain it would be painful, at least guilt wouldn’t consume me.
