Rolling my eyes,I texted her “bye” and exited out of the text messaging app.
Turn left at the stop sign.
Siri startled me, continuing to give me the directions to Blake’s financial aid office. Looking straight ahead at the green mass of land, I turned and looked at the only two ways I could go. No matter which turn I took leaving the gas station, the destinations were the same distance from here. I had stopped in the small, rumored-to-be-racist town of Elmet. I’d heard horror stories from many of my peers at school about Elmet, and how it was common knowledge to not be caught in the small town pastdawn. The people at the gas station seemed friendly enough, but I had no plans to stop here or anywhere else once the sun set.
Instead of following Siri’s directions to the school, I let my fingers swipe around until my social media page appeared. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat and wince at the physical pain. I was no longer bleeding, but I was still very sore from the birth of Leader. I opened my direct messages and scrolled to the message I’d received and accepted over a week ago. I had read it maybe a thousand times, and the words still made me heated. The sender’s profile picture was a solid black circle, and at first, I ignored it because the username was unfamiliar.Number_1. I hadn’t thought much of it, but then it clicked. I nearly dropped the freshly made bottle when I realized who was requesting to send me a message. I remembered how my hands grew moist as I ignored the alarm bells ringing in my head—it was the same bells sounding off now. The cold knot that formed in my stomach didn’t halt my thumb from tapping on the “approve” button.
Number_1: I’m putting you on my visitors list. Visitation is Friday from 7-11. This ain’t a request, Pretty Mama.
The message ended with him sending the prison’s name and address. Reading it again, I looked up from my phone at the intersection. If I went left, I’d be heading to the school to start my transfer process. Blake University had been the only school I imagined for myself throughout high school. Cove City had always been a dream, but the dream was over, and I needed to make something shake in Jagoda Bay for my daughter and me.
If I went right, I’d be on my way to see her father as he’d requested. Leader wasn’t the dream—he hadn’t even been a thought until he was. And then he turned into my everything… until he wasn’t.
The financial aid office closed at eleven today due to faculty training, according to the secretary I spoke with the other day.I couldn’t do both today—time wouldn’t allow me to. Handling my financial aid today would put me in a better position to get everything transferred and keep me from being stalled when it was time to enroll at JBU. Seeing Leader, though, would be a painful reminder of what I’d lost and force me to tell him about his little junior.
Staring at the open road, I felt my breathing pick up, unsure which way to go.
Holding the phone in my right hand, I brought my left to my mouth but stopped myself. Lately, anxiety had been getting the best of me, and whenever it spiked, I gnawed on my nails. Opting to leave them alone today, I swiped to the Maps app before placing the phone back on my sister’s mount. I shifted the car into drive, hoping the direction I chose was smart. As I rotated the steering wheel, I felt like I was in a mental tug-of-war between my past and my future, but neither one would feel like a win.
“Wait in here,”the man, suited in a security uniform, said after guiding me into a conference room.
The ride here was smooth until thirty minutes after I left the gas station. I was experiencing separation anxiety now, missing my baby tremendously. It had only been six hours and some change without her, but it felt like I wanted to vomit. I’d left my phone in the car, so I couldn’t call her until I handled this. If this was how it felt to be apart from a child, I didn’t know how I’d get through the next eighteen years of her life. Now, I understood why my mommy cried her eyes out when she dropped me off at BU last year. I couldn’t imagine leaving my baby and not seeing her again for months at a time.Then, when she finally comeshome, she’s pregnant.Just thinking about it made me grip my stomach and reach for the door handle. I thought I was over the self-loathing, but I guess not.
I needed my baby girl. I needed to go back to Jagoda Bay. I needed to be close to her. I needed to smell her. Then, I would be done feeling sorry for myself.
Gosh, they weren’t lying when they said newborns have the best scent.
“No! No, no, no, no!” I gasped, feeling my breast grow heavy. It was terrible timing, and I was hoping Baby Leader’s milk supply didn’t overflow into my bra. I’d found this to be a common occurrence anytime I thought too hard about my daughter.
Walking around a table that was built to seat four, I took a seat on the brown plastic chair with metal legs. I didn’t see any cameras in here, but I still hesitated to check my bra. With my back stiff, I glanced at the pale walls and attempted to calm myself. No school mascot, no campus rules, no semester schedule—there wasn’t a poster in sight. It felt like I was sitting right under the vent, as a blast of cold air made goosebumps cover my skin. Silently cursing myself for leaving my denim jacket on the back seat of Glow’s car, I rubbed my arms as if that would do any good.
Boom, Clank, Clank
I nearly toppled over in the chair at the sound of heavy metal on the other side of the door. You’d think I was locked in a vault with all the loud noises clamoring around.
With my eyes widened, skin fully covered in chill bumps from the air conditioning, and a bouncing knee, I breathed in shallow, quick pants. I was like a dog in heat, but I couldn’t stop the feelings swirling inside of me. The door swung open, and the same man who’d escorted me in grabbed it to stop it before it could slam against the wall.
“Cali Glee…”
A long, dark chocolate figure, covered in a forest green jumpsuit, stood opposite the table. His dark brown eyes, that could turn my insides, glared at me with an intensity I hadn’t felt in months. I blinked once, twice, then two more times, and by the fifth time, I was silently praying to God that this wasn’t a figment of my imagination. His hair had grown out, a stark contrast from the low, sharp haircut he usually kept. Given the state of his hair, one might think his face would also be covered in the same new growth, but his mustache was thin, and he had a trimmed goatee. He looked to have gained a bit more muscle, but not too much to where his clothes back home wouldn’t fit. He was still the finest person I’d ever laid eyes on.
As I finished taking him in, I frowned at the chains shackled on his wrists and his ankles. Leader may have been dangerous to the world, but to me, he was everything but. I’d pushed him aside in my mind as someone I didn’t need, but the truth was, I craved him on the hour, by the hour.
Before I could respond to him saying my name, the security guard stepped inside. “Leader.” The short, stocky guard held up a key. “I can give you ten minutes until normal visitation hours are up.”
Leader kept his eyes on me but raised his arms. The guard took off the handcuffs from his wrists, but that still didn’t ease my pounding heart. In court, he hadn’t been chained. He was escorted inside wearing a suit and left the same way he’d come in. But seeing him as a prisoner made pity swell in my chest.
The guard placed the cuffs in his pocket. “I ain’t got the key for the feet. I tried?—”
Leader cut him off and stepped around him, as if he was signaling him to leave. “You straight.”
The security guard nodded and hurried out of the room, looking both ways before the same mix of sounds made comingin followed him as he left. Once the clinking and clanking stopped, a loud silence took over. He was standing, and I was sitting. He seemed calm, almost relieved, while I was trying hard not to lose it.
Only this man can make jail look this appealing,I thought to myself.
His eyes roamed over what he could see, while I sat, not moving. “You look good, Pretty Mama.”
With a lick of his lips, the chains around his feet scraped the floor as he walked to my side of the table. He was moving as if his feet weren’t chained, proving that he’d grown accustomed to them over the last few months. With the length of his legs, it didn’t take him long to be standing at my side. Instead of turning in my seat, I continued facing forward like an awkward idiot. My heart was beating so fast in my chest, it felt like I would need a crash cart soon. He didn’t carry the same scent of saffron, jasmine, amber, and cedarwood.But he still smelled like Leader in the absence of the Baccarat. His natural aroma was clean, masculine, and reminiscent of what we’d done in the full-sized bed of my dorm room andwhowe created.
