“Tu... Tu... Hija…” Spilled out of my mouth, and the admission was like a dagger to the chest—painful.
“Say that shit in fucking English, Solana. English, baby. My what?” He gritted his teeth, and at the same time, he was backing me into a wall. Well, it couldn’t have been a wall because it was cold and slick like a metal. Like steel.
“Your daughter,” I said, exasperated in my voice. Saying it nearly knocked the wind out of me.
“My fucking daughter. You so gone off that shit, Solana, that you can’t even see what the fuck is in front of you.”
“Shio. I… I, please. I don’t comprehend.”
“What the fuck do you want from me, Solana?”
“I… I…” I felt defeated.
Truly, I didn’t know what I wanted. I wanted Shio, but I didn’t want to bring him down with me. My father didn’t seem to want me. He’d just admitted he couldn’t protect me, and that he would ship me off to the next criminal as soon as he found someone and the coast was clear with Felipe. What I wanted clearly didn’t matter even if I did know. It had never mattered—not then, not now, not ever. What I wanted didn’t make sense because it had never been my reality in México. The only thing that made sense was the guy I met at the party, and again at the club. He had what I wanted and needed. He had what would make me forget the pain of being unloved by every man in my life.
Cocaína(cocaine).
Shio reached inside his pocket and pulled out the clear bag of drugs. My eyes lit up, and my mouth watered. He had what I wanted. Nothing else mattered in the moment. I couldn’t truly have Shio anyway, at least not with deaths and pain to follow. This was the next best thing. In a perfect world, I would have both, but since I couldn’t, I would settle for the one that faithfully made me feel without consequences.
“You too fuckin’ good for this shit, Solana. You lettin’ this shit win. You been lettin’ it win. When it ain’t in you, you sleep. When it is, you party. You don’t know who the fuck you are or what the fuck you want cuz you doped up all the time, and when you not doped up, you thinkin’ about dope. But since you can’t seem to get your head right?—”
He grabbed my chin, lifting my head as I ceased breathing. His touch was only to my face but had traveled down below.
“I’m gonna do that shit for you,” he mumbled.
He reached around me again, twisted another doorknob, and the wall behind me moved. Shio caught me around the back, tucking the drugs in his pocket. I wanted to claw them out, but I knew that was another battle I would never win. I knew his strength, and I knew my limits.
He’d backed us into a room where we were now standing. It was smaller than the one back at his home, but it had the same necessities. A bed, a TV, dressers, a nightstand, and an en suite bathroom. A white duvet covered the full-sized bed, and the décor was calming yet girly, though neutral. I could tell someone had just cleaned the bathroom from the aroma of cleaning products.
“I can’t have you in my home, Solana.”
I felt a momentary panic as my mind jumped on what he’d said. “Shio! Please!”
“Don’t fucking beg.” He spewed, a vein jumping in his neck. Even that was sexy.
“Shio, baby. I… I can stop. It’s not that bad. I can stop. I just want to be with you! I do. I just don’t want to get you hurt!”
“Me and hurt don’t even belong in the same sentence.”
“Shio!”
“I’m gonna hold onto yo’ phone. But here…” he tossed another cell on the bed behind me. “Don’t call yo’ bitch-ass daddy either. It ain’t shit he can do for you. And don’t put the fuckin’ police in my business.”
“I wouldn’t do that!” I looked at him as if he were the one on drugs. I’d learned very long ago that my life was meant to be off the policía (police) radar back home. I knew this to be true for America too.
“I know you wouldn’t, Solana, baby…”
Shio backed out of the room, and when I tried running after him, the steel door shut.
“Shio! Shio! What is this!” Using my fist, I pounded at the door, connecting with the cold metal. “Shio! Don’t do this. Papi! Papiiii! Don’t do this!”
Glancing around, there were no windows. I ran to the bathroom, and again, there were no windows there either. I was locked in—locked inside of a fancy prison with a mouth that craved only two things that I knew I couldn’t have.
Shio and cocaína(cocaine).
I had no idea how long it had been since I’d been locked in the room. Among other memories, the one of Shio leaving me here this morning replayed in my mind. Unlike Shio’s house, where I had access to thewindows and could tell when it was night and day, this room was void of them. I could have turned the TV on to get the time, since I knew no more than a few hours had passed, but I opted not to. I’d been in bed, curled on top of the covers, since he’d left me here.
My nose was stuffy, my eyes were puffy, and my nerves were completely in disarray. I was locked inside a room, not knowinghow long I was going to be here. I’d gone from barricading myself in back at Shio’s to now being barricaded in by Shio. The steel door was in place to keep someone from getting out, and I couldn’t stop the questions about why he had this room.
