“I don’t know.” She inched back on the sofa, lifting her legs until they were folded between them. “It’s not like I planned it. I never intended to give up on you or our family. It just sort of happened.”
“I made it too easy for you to walk away. I get that now.”
“What do you mean?”
“If we’d been married, it wouldn’t have been so easy. It would have taken more time to work out the legalities. Time I could have used to change your mind.”
By the time she left, she wasn’t sure there was anything he could have said or done to change her mind. “We just weren’t compatible anymore, Gunnar. It’s no one’s fault. Sometimes people just grow apart.”
“Were we ever compatible?” he asked, raising his eyes to hers.
“Probably not,” she admitted. “But I loved you enough to ignore that for a long time. I always wanted two things: a nice, quiet stable life and a family. That’s it. You wanted fame and fortune and accolades.”
“I wanted respect,” he said quietly. “And love. Two things I never had growing up. Everyone thinks I’m an egomaniac and that’s why I’m such a fame-whore, but they’re wrong. I guess I’m still just that same scared kid who wants someone to love him.”
Her heart ached for the lonely little boy he’d been. Even more for the lost and lonely man he appeared to be because underneath all the false bravado the rest of the world saw, she’d seen glimpses of his softer side, like when their daughters were born. He was right there by her side, supporting her, holding her head, telling her how proud he was of her and how grateful he was for the beautiful baby she’d given him.
“Your daughters love you, Gunnar. You know that. And your bandmates. They’re like your family.”
“That’s another reason I’ve been so reluctant to leave the music behind,” he admitted. “I don’t want to lose those guys.”
“I can’t imagine that ever happening.” They were all as close as any brothers she’d ever known. “They’ll always be there for you.”
“Yeah, but those three have wives and kids. They’ve somehow managed to make a marriage work in spite of this crazy business.”
Gianna had always been a little jealous that Gunnar’s best friends had loved their significant others enough to commit to forever with them while he’d made excuses to avoid making that promise to her.
“They didn’t all get it right the first time,” she reminded him. “It’s a second marriage for a couple of them. That should give you hope. Maybe you can take what you’ve learned with me and apply it to another relationship. Avoid making the same mistakes twice. If you want someone to grow old with, you could still have that.”
“And you feel nothing saying that to me?” He sat up, staring at her. “You can sit there and talk to me about the possibility of memarryingsomeone else and not feel a thing?” He shook his head, looking bitter when she failed to respond. “That’s where we differ, I guess. ’Cause the thought of you being another man’s wife, when you should have been mine, should still be mine, tears me up inside.”
Gianna could barely breathe as a wave of affection for this man swept through.It’s not love,she reminded herself.It can’t be love. I don’t love him anymore.“You sound so jealous and possessive now,” she said, finally finding her voice. “But where was that emotion when I was sharing your bed and you couldn’t seem to care less about what I was doing or who I was doing it with when you weren’t there?”
“Is that what you think?” His voice was raspy when he asked, “That I didn’t care? I cared, Gi. I cared so much it ate away at me, imagining you with someone else. But I didn’t think I had the right to make demands on you. If I did that would lead to you making demands on me, demands I couldn’t meet.”
His eyes were holding hers captive when he said, “I knew you’d been more than patient with me, playing by my rules for all those years. And if I got too demanding, I feared you’d leave me if I couldn’t come through for you. That’s why I kept my mouth shut.” He leaned in, brushing his lips across her cheek. “It wasn’t that I didn’t care. Believe me, I cared more about you than I did myself.”
