“I will. What’s the deal? Just because you’re in love you want the whole world to feel the same way?”
“I’m…” There were no words to describe his feelings for Bella, but he knew if anyone would understand, his mother would. She knew his heart better than anyone. “I’m in so deep, Mom. Like no way out without getting crushed. It kinda scares me.” He wasn’t used to admitting his fears to anyone, but where Bella was concerned they always rose to the surface.
“I know it does, honey. But what’s life without risk? That’s what makes you feel alive, right?”
He was all for taking risks. But not with his heart. That he’d always guarded. “Loving her makes me feel alive. Losing her would kill me.”
“You’re afraid you’re going to lose her?”
It was beginning to feel more like an irrational fear, but it was still there. “What if she wakes up one day and decides I’m not the guy for her after all? Maybe after a couple of kids?”
“Everyone who gets married takes that risk. Half the time it doesn’t work out. But you have to believe that you and Bella will be among the lucky ones. You can’t go into a relationship fearing it will fail.”
“I know.” It wasn’t like him. He wasn’t a pessimist. He was the guy who believed good things could happen for him. That was how he’d been drafted in the first round. “I want to believe in us.” He sighed. “You don’t know how much I want to believe it’ll work.”
“But?”
“I’ve got this thing in the pit of my stomach. Like every damn day it’s there and I can’t get rid of it.” It felt like fear and dread, and nothing seemed to eradicate it. Not even hearing her tell him she loved him.
“Why do think that is?”
“You know how messed up I was after Vegas.” His mother didn’t know all the details, just that he’d fallen hard for a girl and it didn’t work out. “I almost ruined everything, self-destructed. And I have to wonder if anyone is worth that.”
“Only you can answer that question,” she said, gently. “But if you’re going to live your life in fear, you’re going to live it alone. I don’t want that for you. And I really don’t think you want that for yourself.”
He’d been alone too long. “No, I don’t.”
“Just think about it. There’s no rush. You’ve got all the time in the world to decide.”
All the time in the world. It made him think of Stella. She was seventy-six when she passed. Not that old. He wondered if she’d thought she had a lot of years left before her diagnosis.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Thanks for listening.”
“Anytime, you know that. I love you, honey.”
“Love you too. Talk to you later.”
Loran heard the floorboard creak behind him as he swiped to end the call. “Oh hey, that was my mom. Just calling to check in.”
She nodded, but her expression was blank.
His stomach dropped. Something wasn’t right. “What’s wrong?”
“Sounds like you’re having second thoughts about us. If you are you need to tell me. Now.”
“What?” His heart started beating so fast he felt like he’d run ten miles. “What are you talking about? Why would you think that?”
“You just told your mother you didn’t think anyone was worth it… what I put you through last time.”
“I…” He had said that, but he hadn’t meant it. Bella was worth it. She was worth anything.
“I get it,” she said, wrapping her arms around her body. “I do. I get where you’re coming from. It’s a lot. Things with me are complicated. I have a lot of baggage. It would be easier with someone else, someone who would give anything to be your wife.”
He closed in on her but his heart clenched when she took a step back before he could touch her. Damn it. They’d gotten so close, now he felt like they’d taken ten steps back. Just because he didn’t know when to keep his big mouth shut.
“I don’t want anyone else.” When she didn’t say anything he dragged a trembling hand through his hair. “Jesus, Bell. You’ve got to believe me.” He didn’t know what he’d do if she wouldn’t… or couldn’t.
“You said you have this pit in your stomach.” Her eyes filled with tears. “Maybe it’s uncertainty? Maybe it’s your intuition telling you this is wrong. That we’re not right for each other.”
