“What?”
He didn’t feel right giving a voice to his fears. In his heart he knew Bella would never leave him because he couldn’t play ball anymore. What scared him was that after his career he would become the kind of man she couldn’t love anymore.
“Don’t you ever worry about what’s going to happen to you after you can’t play ball anymore?” Loran felt his gut clench just thinking about that chapter in his life ending. Playing ball is all he’d ever known and the only thing he’d ever wanted. Except for Bella.
“Sure, I think about it. But I’ve got Gracie and the kids. They’ll give me the reason I need to get out of bed in the morning. I’ll find something else, besides baseball, to give my life meaning. We both will.”
Loran thought about the off-season. It had been torture for him to get through it the first couple of years, because he’d been young and dumb. Partying too much. Sleeping too late. Eating like crap. Not able to work out. Totally off his game. Things were better now. He took better care of himself during the off-season and had found causes that were important to him to fill his time.
“I guess I’m just scared of that. We’ve both seen some guys get pretty messed up after they retire. They lose so much, man. Their wives, kids, money…”
“Yeah, but that’s ‘cause they weren’t mentally prepared for the game to end. They thought it could last forever. It can’t, you know that. Nothing can last forever.”
Not even his relationship with Bella? Could that last forever or was he just kidding himself? “I don’t want there to come a time when I make your sister miserable because I’m going through life without a purpose. I don’t want to be a jerk to live with or—”
“Wait, a minute. What the hell are you talking about? Why are you doing this?”
Loran propped another pillow behind his head. Damn. It smelled like Bella’s perfume. “Doing what? I’m just trying to be real with myself and with your sister. I want her to know what can happen to guys like me… and you… when it’s all over.”
“I already told you that’s not gonna happen to me,” Ethan said, sounding annoyed. “And you don’t have to let it happen to you. It’s a choice. My family means everything to me. Nothing comes before Grace and my kids. The way I see it, they’ll be better off having me around all the time, not worse. I’ll be there for every ball game and dance recital. I’ll be there to scare the boys off on first dates and slip my son a fifty when he’s taking a girl to the movies. That’s a blessing, Loran. Being there for those firsts in my kids’ lives. No way could I see it any other way.”
Loran listened to his friend. He knew he was right. They were so lucky to be in a profession that paid them so well and allowed them to retire early, with so much of their lives left to enjoy.
“I guess it just freaks me out, having so many years left after I quit pitching, and having no idea what the hell I’ll do every day.”
“Play your cards right and you could spend those days with my sister. Being a father to your kids. Lending your name and ugly mug to causes that mean something to you.”
Loran smiled. Ethan was right. Just because his career was going to end didn’t mean his life had to. “Yeah, I guess.”
“You could start another business. Finish your degree. Coach. Hell, you can do whatever you want, Loran. You’re one of the best pitchers in the game. You can write your own ticket if you still want baseball to be a part of your life.”
Baseball wouldn’t mean much to him if he didn’t have Bella to share the rest of his life with.
“I think I screwed things up with your sister.”
“Again?” Ethan sighed. “You’re an idiot.”
“Thanks. You think I don’t know that?”
“You’re not alone. I was an idiot with Grace too. We all go through that. The growing pains of new relationships.”
Loran hoped that’s all it was. He couldn’t be sure Bella wasn’t ready to write him off after his meltdown last night. “You mind if I blow off the gym today? I think I need to go see Bella, make sure we’re good.”
“Yeah, no problem. If you know what’s good for you you’ll make keeping my sister happy you’re top priority from now on. Quit sabotaging this relationship, Loran. We both know it’s the best thing that’s ever gonna happen to you.”
Loran felt that knot in his stomach finally give way. Ethan was right. It didn’t get any better than him and Bella. As long as he focused on feeling good, staying positive and making his girl happy, nothing could shake them.
“Thanks, Ethan. I needed to hear that.”
“No problem. That’s what friends are for.”
***
Bella’s hands were shaking as she gripped the steering wheel. She hadn’t checked her voice mail messages until she got home last night and there was one letting her know that her college boyfriend was appearing before the parole board day after tomorrow. She had a right to speak, if she chose to. It was his first parole hearing since he’d been incarcerated. The first time she’d ever had to see him face-to-face since the trial.
She wasn’t the same traumatized girl she’d been then. She was stronger now. Older, more mature. But she knew it wouldn’t be easy, no matter how much time had passed since he attacked her.
The phone rang and Grace’s number flashed across the screen. Since she hadn’t told anyone, other than her assistant that she was leaving town for a few days, she knew she’d better fill her best friend in so she didn’t worry.
