“I…” She had no idea she and Deke would re-connect, but she couldn’t return to her hometown without thinking about her first love. “Of course I thought about you, Deke.” She gestured between them. “But I never expected… this.”
His eyes narrowed before he asked, “What? What didn’t you expect?”
“This connection between us.” She reached for his hands, praying he wouldn’t reject her. “I didn’t expect it to be like this after so many years apart.”
“Can’t you see what I see?” he asked, lowering her head. “You’re it for me. And I know you feel the same way.”
She did, but that didn’t mean she could build her whole life around their relationship. “I do, but—”
“But what?” He stepped closer, brushing his hand across her cheek. “Don’t tell me anything is more important than this. What we have, or could have, is everything.”
The life she’d always dreamed about, with Deke, was within reach, but there were so many obstacles. “There are some things you need to understand,” she said, sighing. “I acquired a lot of student debt and—”
“Seriously?” His eyes blazed before he tipped his head back, staring at the ceiling. “You’re going to talk to me about money right now? You’re going to pretend that’s more important than our future?”
She didn’t expect him to understand. He knew what it felt like to be poor, but it had probably been years since he’d lived paycheck to paycheck, and that was still her reality. “What kind of future could we have if I was bored out of my mind without teaching, stressing over a mountain of debt, or worse, feeling shitty about myself because you had to play the hero and take care of me?” Tears burned her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. “Can’t you understand where I’m coming from? I can’t let you—”
“Be there for you?” He brushed his lips across hers. “Help you? Support you?”
She was getting lost in his kiss, forgetting all of her objections. When she was in his arms, it felt like nothing mattered more than the relationship they were re-building. “I love you.” He needed to know that, no matter what happened, she did love him. And probably always would.
“Then let’s figure this out together, baby.” His breathing was harsh as he leaned his forehead against hers. “There has to be a way to make this work. If you need me to come with you—”
“What?” She framed his gorgeous face with her hands as her heart screamed at her to give herself to this man, who would clearly do anything for her. “You would seriously leave everything behind just to be with me?”
He nodded, looking solemn. “If that’s what it takes.”
But that wouldn’t make him happy. She could see it in his eyes. He loved her enough to make the ultimate sacrifice for her, leaving the life he loved behind, but she could never let him do that. She loved him too much.
She slowly unbuttoned his shirt, kissing his chest as she bared the intertwining bursts of colorful ink. It had been dark in her apartment the other night, with only candles and the gas fireplace to cast light, so she didn’t see it then. Her name amidst the sprawling piece on his chest. Woven into… a broken heart.
“Ohmigod,” she whispered, tracing the lines with her fingertip as she looked up into his eyes. “When did you get this?”
“About a year after you left.” His voice was husky as his hands closed around her waist. “My heart, it wouldn’t heal. Nothing made the pain go away. Marking my body, reminding myself everyday of what I’d had and lost…” He shrugged, tearing his eyes from hers. “I don’t know. It just felt right.”
She’d forgotten what it was like to feel shredded. The weeks after they broke up, she’d been a walking zombie, going through the motions on auto-pilot, living a life that didn’t make sense anymore. Not without him. And she was at serious risk of going there again, only this time she wasn’t eighteen. She was older and supposedly wiser. She’d loved, sort of, and lost again. She knew men like Deke didn’t come along twice in a lifetime.
“I don’t know what to do,” she said, dropping her head against his chest. “I want to be with you. But I need to figure out how to—”
“Take care of yourself. I know.” His sigh was harsh, letting her know he was as torn up as she was about their dilemma. “I was I had the answers, babe. I meant what I said. I’ll go with you, if that’s what you want.”
“But it’s not what you want.” She tipped her head back to look at him. “I know how much you love Drew. You’ve been there since the day he was born. You’ve probably spent more time with him than his own dad. How could you just leave him?” She shook her head. “You couldn’t. He’d never understand. He’d feel like you left him, just like his mom did. That wouldn’t be fair to him. Or to you.”
He swallowed repeatedly and she knew he was battling his emotions. “I’m not saying it would be easy—”
“It would be impossible,” she said, pressing her lips against his.
“Letting you leave me again will be impossible.” His grip on her tightened. “You tell me how the hell I’m supposed to do that.”
“I’m going to send out resumes to every school in a hundred miles radius, I promise. But no one’s hiring right now.” She curled her hands around his powerful biceps, needing something to make her feel grounded. “But that could change. Maybe someone will go on mat leave or retire next year. Who knows, right?”
“Or it could be years before you find a teaching position in this area.”
There were less than thirteen thousand people in their entire county, and only a few elementary schools. She knew it was wishful thinking to believe she might land a job here. Even if she could afford to be patient, which she couldn’t.
“I don’t know how much time we have together.” Her voice was soft and laced with sadness, when she said, “And neither do you. But I do know we have two choices. End this now or enjoy every single moment, knowing that good-bye is going to tear both of our hearts out when that day inevitably comes.”
He closed his eyes, his expression ravaged. “What do you want?”
