“She was bitter and resentful because I was away so much, and she felt like I didn’t make time for her when I was home.”
“That true?” I asked, wiping the butter off my fingers with a paper napkin I’d torn from the old school stainless dispenser.
“I found reasons to avoid her.” He tipped his head back, staring at the waffle ceiling. “I know that makes me sound like an asshole, but it’s true. I didn’t want to fight, but towards the end it felt like that’s all we did.”
“Was it like that in all of your relationships?” I didn’t want to be nosy, but since he was volunteering, I didn’t want to seem disinterested.
“Yeah, it was. Eventually. They all started out okay, like most relationships, I guess. But within a couple of years it felt like I was living with the enemy.”
“You were young the first time you got married, weren’t you? Early twenties?” I remember being crushed when I read online that he’d married some model in Vegas. I’d been in my teens and still had an active fantasy life that allowed me to believe I was destined to be the one and only Mrs. Dade Jarvis. I laughed at the memory now.
He nodded. “Twenty-three.” He quirked an eyebrow. “What’s so funny?”
I shook my head, wondering if I was ballsy enough to share. “It’s too stupid.”
“Come on, you have to tell me,” he said, nudging my arm with his elbow. “Please.”
I was pretty sure Dade didn’t have to beg often, but he was damn good at it. “I was just thinking about how devastated I was when you married your first wife.” My cheeks were warm as I rolled my eyes at my own stupidity. “I didn’t even know you. Not like I was ever gonna meet you, but I was wrecked when you married someone else.” I laughed. “Wouldn’t even go out with my girlfriends that night, if memory serves.”
He smiled. “You would have been too young for me back then.”
“And I’m not too young for you now?” I was twenty-six and he was thirty-four, not an age difference anyone would think twice about in my experience.
“Charli…”
“Never mind, stupid question.” I hadn’t realized I made it sound like I wanted him to consider me as a potential partner until it was too late to take it back. “I think I’m gonna turn in now.” I crossed the room and disposed of my trash before I said, “Thanks for tonight. I had fun.”
He stood, hitting the remote to dim the screen. The only light in the room was the soft glow of the overhead lights on dimmers. “Let me walk you upstairs.”
He’d already shown me to my room so I could change, but I couldn’t make a beeline for my room without making it obvious that I was trying to hide my embarrassment.
Before we could make it to the stairs, he grabbed my arm, turning me to face him. “Please don’t do that.”
“Do what?” God, he was really gonna call me out, wasn’t he?
“Don’t shut down on me like that. Assume you know what I’m thinking, because I’m pretty sure you don’t.”
“Fine,” I said, trying to keep the bite out of my tone as I crossed my arms. “You wanna tell me then, so I won’t have to guess, what were you thinking?”
“I was thinking that timing really is everything.”
I frowned. “I don’t follow.”
“All those years ago, you were sittin’ at home crushin’ on a stranger and I was marrying a stranger, trying to pretend I was in love with her. Because I really wanted to be.” He hung his head, drawing a deep breath. “If I’d just waited, hadn’t made all those mistakes, and we’d been standing here tonight, like this, things would be so different.”
I hated that he was still punishing himself for past mistakes, but I understood it. I had a lot of relationship baggage too and I’d never even tied the knot.
“I like to think my mistakes served a purpose,” I said, letting my arms fall to my sides. “How would I have known the good guys from the jerks if I hadn’t dated the jerks?” I squeezed his forearm. “And how would you have known the genuine girls from the disingenuous without the contrast.”
“The contrast,” he repeated, staring at me. “That’s one way of putting it.”
I leaned in, whispering, “Don’t keep beating yourself up for the mistakes you’ve made. Just change your perspective. Start viewing them as experiences instead of mistakes. Might make it easier to let go… and move on.”
He reached for my hands as he looked into my eyes. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“Sharing your take on it. It helps me to see things in a different light.”
