“For the last time, Mama, I am not Dade’s girlfriend.” I narrowed my eyes, trying to send her a telepathic message to shut her painted piehole. “I’m his assistant. That’s it. Just his assistant. So whatever fantasies you have about us being a couple, let them go right now, okay?” I smiled sweetly. “We wouldn’t wanna have to call the doctor and tell him we’re concerned about your delusions, now would we?”
She huffed. “I am not delusional, young lady.” She tapped her fingernail against her temple. “I’m just as sharp as I ever was.”
“Which ain’t sayin’ much,” Daddy mumbled.
“You shut up,” she said, smacking his arm. The cigar box flew out of his hand and scattered the stogies across the hardwood floor.
“Oh for the love of God,” Daddy said, pointing at the cigars. “Look what you made me do, damn fool woman. This is why we never have company. You don’t know how to act.”
“Me? Like I’m the problem. Why, you scared the girls’ boyfriends so bad they practically wet their pants.” She looked at me. “Ain’t that right, Charli? Remember that slow boy you dated in high school, the one with the lazy eye? What the hell was his name again?”
I jumped up when Dade pushed his chair back, intent on cleaning up the cigars.
We were both on our hands and knees and he was trying to keep a straight face under the table, but the flash of white teeth gave him away.
“It’s not funny,” I grumbled. “They’re both crazy.”
“I heard that!” Mama shouted. “Not a damn thing wrong with my hearing, little girl.” She slammed the table. “Hank… that was the boy’s name.” She laughed. “He had a stuttering problem, Dade. And every time Chee so much as looked at him he’d start stammering something awful. Poor kid.” She clucked her tongue. “Went ever happened to him, Charli?”
“How the hell should I know?” I asked, while Dade and I set the cigars back in the box. “We were fifteen years old. And he wasn’t my boyfriend. He was just a friend.”
“Just a friend.” Mama snorted. “Sort of like Dade is just a friend, huh?” She slapped my father’s arm as we re-claimed our seats. “Must be one of those ‘friends with bennies’ arrangements, huh, Chee?”
He frowned at her. “I told you, enough with the sex. Nobody needs to be hearin’ about that.”
“Oh, quit bein’ such a prude.” She poured herself a cup of coffee. “Just ‘cause they’re your little girls you wanna believe they’re as pure as the driven snow. I can tell ya they ain’t.” She pointed at me. “This one’s been on birth control since her junior year of high school.”
I choked on my wine, prompting Dade to pat my back. This shit show was going from bad to worse with Aidy calling the shots.
“Would you stop?” I begged, seething. “You’re embarrassing me and making Dade uncomfortable.” I stole a glance at Dade. He didn’t look uncomfortable, he looked amused. The sexy, smug bastard. “Don’t laugh,” I warned him. “When I meet your mama I’m gonna get her to spill the dirt on you.”
Dade smiled. “There’s plenty, believe me.” He put his arm around the back of my chair, leaning in. “But I gave her a Caddy for her last birthday, so I’m pretty sure that bought her silence for a while.”
“Well, well,” Mama said, tapping her finger against her lips. “This is even more serious than I thought. You’re already thinkin’ about meetin’ his mama, huh baby? Good for you. Let her see you’re nothin’ like those other gold diggers her son shacked up with.”
My chin hit my chest and I completely surrendered to the inevitable that followed me wherever Mama went. I loved her dearly, but sometimes I wished we could just buy her a damn muzzle and be done with it.
“I’m sorry,” I said to Dade. “You’ll have to excuse her. She must be off her meds again today.”
“Now you know I don’t take no damn meds.” She made a tsking sound. “You go tellin’ Dade that and he’ll think we’re some kinda drug addicts.” She laughed. “Not that we didn’t do our fair share of experimenting when we were kids. Ain’t that right, Chee?”
My father chuckled before digging into his pie. He was supposed to be on a special diet after his heart bypass, but apparently today was his cheat day ‘cause he was eating like Mama hadn’t fed him in a month.
“Dade doesn’t want to hear about your wild and reckless youth,” I said reaching for the wine bottle to refill my glass.
“Oh please,” she said, waving her hand. “I bet your young man could tell us some stories that would curl your hair.” She rested her chin in her palm and looked at Dade. “Things must get pretty wild out on the road, huh? All those groupies chasin’ after you.”
Dade’s dark coloring and scruff made it hard to tell, but I could have sworn he was blushing when he lowered his head to dig into his pie.
“Come on now,” she teased. “Don’t be shy. Tell us, what’s the craziest thing a woman ever did to try and get your attention?”
I knew I should tell her to back off, but it wouldn’t do any good, and I was kind of curious about his past, beyond the three failed relationships the world knew about.
He glanced down the table like he expected my father to save him, but Daddy was smearing whipped cream on his pie like a death row inmate savoring his last meal.
“Uh, I don’t know.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “A few have snuck past security and managed to get into my dressing room.”
Mama cackled, slapping the table. “And let me guess, they were waiting for you in their birthday suits, right?”
