I teased her opening with my shaft, cursing myself for doing the very thing I’d accused her of doing. Using sex to bridge the gap. If this was our last time, it would kill me, but I intended to make it memorable. For both of us.
“Do you still want this?” I whispered in her ear, giving her an opportunity to retreat now that she understood the stakes. “Do you still want me?”
She groaned. “You know I do.”
I slid in slowly, closing my eyes, trying to pretend I was in control when I was anything but. The fear lodged in my throat made it tough to swallow. I’d just thrown down the gauntlet, issued an ultimatum that could get me thrown out on my ass. And I didn’t want to go. Ugh. The last thing I wanted was to leave her.
ChapterFourteen
Briar
My heart was officially shattered. Rhett was moving inside me slowly, making every thrust count while he reminded me why he was the best lover I’d ever had, or would have. He’d called me out tonight. Deep down I knew this day would come eventually. We couldn’t go on living in limbo forever.
But the way he was making love to me, like he was trying to stop the hands of time, so we could live in this altered state of bliss forever, proved letting go wasn’t any easier for him than it would be for me.
I held him closer, knowing that was the worst mistake I could make. I should be letting him go, putting some distance between us, but I didn’t want him to see the tears slipping down my cheeks. I didn’t want him to know that letting him go was breaking me. Tonight, I’d acknowledged that I was in love with him. But I could never tell him that. Love to a guy like Rhett meant commitment. It meant boyfriend…. fiancé… husband... father. To him that would be the natural progression of our relationship. But to me those words triggered the kind of fear that left me cold and trembling. Like the barnacles of containment sucking the freedom and joy out of my life.
“Don’t. Do. This,” he whispered fiercely in my ear.
Rhett had a lot of talents. Apparently mind reading was one of them. I drew him deeper, clenched him harder, suddenly desperate to put an end to this mess. I’d gotten in too deep. Broken all my own rules. Now I was paying the price with a heart fracture that felt like it would never heal.
“Rhett—”
“Don’t,” he warned, sounding like he was waging an internal war that would inevitably leave him battered and bruised.
I’d done that, I realized. I’d hurt him. I’d invited him into my life, my heart, my body and mind, knowing full well my future wasn’t up for grabs and I hated myself for that.
Like he was trying to draw me out of my own head, his movements became more purposeful, more intense. His powerful body was rocking me, almost like he was punishing me, and himself, for our stupidity.
My cry was anguished when I finally surrendered to my body’s demands. I was crying for the nights we’d already shared. The ones we would never have. The love I’d allowed myself to feel, and words he would never hear. I was crying for the visions that would haunt me. Dreams unrealized. And the irrational fear snatching them away. I couldn’t even explain to him why it was impossible for us to consider forever. I only knew, deep-down, it was. My intuition told me trying would only lead to more heartbreak years from now, and the heartbreak I was experiencing now was already intolerable.
He slowed before kissing me, cradling my face in his hands. Rhett swore softly when he saw my tears, catching them with his thumbs before they could fall.
His kiss said it all. He was in love with me. He was pleading with me to take a chance on him, on us, but he didn’t understand my tortured mind. He didn’t hear the voices in my head. The ones telling me this could never work. I’d once heard the average person thinks thousands of thoughts every day. I was pretty sure I had thousands of thoughts every day about how hopeless and reckless it was to fall in love and try to make a life-long commitment. Believing that had become a part of my DNA, a soundtrack in my mind and I didn’t know how to change it. Not even for Rhett.
He broke the kiss and picked up the pace but his eyes never left mine. He was searching, probably for some crack in my armour. But he wouldn’t find one. I couldn’t let him. Better now than later, that’s what I told myself. If only my heart would get the message: my mind was in charge.
“Briar…” My name was a harsh whisper when he finally let go. And I knew it was more than a physical release. It was an emotional release too. His way of letting go of the pent-up anger and frustration because he’d finally recognized what I’d known all along: he couldn’t change me. And it was pointless to try.
We stared into each other’s eyes before he finally pulled out with a heavy sigh, profanity falling from his lips. He knew, just like I did, this had to be the end. He sat up on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands.
I sat beside him, stroking his back, kissing his shoulder. Wishing I could have been the person he needed me to be. The girl who believed in Prince Charming and happy endings. But I wasn’t. I was the girl who believed in independence and free will. A childless life. Being single and— alone. It wasn’t the way I wanted it; it was just the way it had to be. I’d made my peace with that a long time ago.
“I’m sorry,” I said, kissing his shoulder. “I’m sorry for pressuring you to help me, keep me safe. That was really selfish of me, Rhett.”
He looked at me out of the corner of his eye. “I’m not sorry for a single second I spent with you, so don’t you dare apologize to me. I’d do it all again, even knowing the outcome.”
He was furious. I could see it in his eyes. He may claim he didn’t have any regrets, but I knew he would. During those sleepless nights, he’d have regrets. During meaningless sex with random women, he’d have regrets. Every time he looked at the ring I’d have to return, he’d have regrets.
“You’re an incredible man.” That didn’t even begin to scratch the surface, but those were the only words I had. “I can’t thank you enough—”
“I don’t need to hear your apologies or your praise or your goddamn excuses, Briar. So just don’t.”
I watched him get dressed, feeling numb. I’d been so excited to see him tonight. All week I’d been counting down the hours, hoping he’d missed me as much as I missed him, even though he’d gone radio silent. So why the hell was I sitting back, watching him leave, instead of finding the courage to admit the truth: that I was in love with him?
I had a flashback. A memory that had clearly been imbedded in my sub-conscious for years. My father was throwing things in a suitcase and my mother on her knees on the bedroom floor, begging him not to leave. She said we wouldn’t survive without him. We needed him. I’d been eight years old at the time, and terrified. It took the better part of a year for my mother to bounce back from that, but when she finally did, she had a clear message for me.Don’t ever rely on a man, Briar. They can’t be trusted. They’ll let you down. Lie to you. Deceive you. Make promises they never intend to keep. Steal the best years of your life and leave you alone and desperate.
I didn’t realize how much I’d internalized that message until I grabbed a robe so I could walk Rhett to the door. My heart was pleading with me to ask him to stay. But I thought of my mother, reduced to a sobbing mess on the bedroom floor, begging a man who didn’t love her anymore to stay, and I slid the ring I’d grown to love off my finger, refusing to allow any more tears to fall.
