“Uh, I didn’t know.”
“What do you mean you didn’t know?” he snapped. “I thought you two were engaged.”
So apparently Rhett hadn’t filled his best friend in on our break-up. He hadn’t posted anything on social media all week either. Not that I’d been cyber-stalking… much. “Werebeing the operative word.”
I’d been too much of a coward to fill my family in on our break-up, knowing they’d let me have it for not trying harder, claiming men like Rhett came along once in a lifetime, if a girl was lucky. I was beginning to think meeting him was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. If I hadn’t met him, I wouldn’t have known how much it could hurt to fall in love and face the prospect of rattling around in an empty house alone forever.
“Shit, are you serious? Sis, what the hell happened?”
“You know me.” As though that should explain everything. “I suck at this whole male-female thing, Drew.”
“Because you don’t even try.”
Ouch. That hurt. “You don’t know—”
“Yes, I do! I’ve known you all your life, remember? I grew up in the same house, dealt with the same shit you did. But I didn’t let it control my whole life, Briar. I didn’t let it determine my future happiness. So, Dad was an asshole for walking out. And it took Mom a long time to get her shit together. But she did eventually. And Dad manned up, apologized, and they’re friends now. They’ve moved past it, so why can’t you?”
My legs felt like they were going to give out as a wave of nausea hit me, so I sank down on the sofa, pulling the throw around my shoulders. It still smelled like Rhett and I couldn’t bring myself to wash it. I felt like I was living a sad Hallmark movie that refused to end.
“Bri?” He swore softly. “Look, I’m sorry if that was harsh, but I’m not gonna stand by and let you screw up the best thing that ever happened to you. Somebody needs to give it to you straight. As your big brother I guess that’s my job.”
I curled my legs under me, trying to process his words. He had grown up in the same household, had the same experiences, so why hadn’t it affected him the same way? Why had he been able to roll the dice on forever when I couldn’t?
“You still there?”
“Yeah.” I cleared my throat, willing my stomach to quit churning. It had been doing that a lot this week. Probably because I hadn’t been eating, sleeping, or drinking enough. Unless wine counted.
“Just thinking about what you said.”
My voice sounded weak, reflecting how I felt, and I hated that. I wasn’t a helpless female. I was a tough chick who’d made her way in a male dominated profession. I’d paid off my own student loans. My own mortgage. My own car. Had a zero balance on my credit cards. Money in the bank. Paid into a 401k and still had enough left over every month to amass an impressive shoe collection. In every other area of my life, I was a grown-up. So why was I stuck in the adolescent phase when it came to relationships?
“And?”
“Instead of trying to figure out what’s wrong with me, I just buried it. Pretended that’s just the way I am, like I can’t control it.” I didn’t know where these words were coming from. Maybe some deeply repressed part of my sub-conscious. But they sure as hell weren’t helping the gut roiling.
“It’s a choice, Bri. Being in love is a choice. Being in a relationship, committing, sticking it out when things get hard… that’s a choice.”
Was being in love a choice? I wasn’t sure I would have chosen the kind of all-consuming love I felt for Rhett, but now that I’d experienced it, it seemed I was stuck with it, like a second skin I couldn’t shed.
“When you take your vows, you’re affirming that choice.”
Since when did my bonehead brother get so smart? Probably since he’d fallen in love with a woman who was a hell of a lot more enlightened than I’d ever be. She was a grad student pursuing her masters in creative arts therapy. And my sister-in-law had a calming nature that soothed everyone around her. I wished she would blow some of her fairy dust on me ‘cause I was a bloated, tear-stained, hot mess with a rat’s nest trying to pass for a messy bun.
“I don’t know if I can do it.”
“Bullshit.” He sighed. “You mean you don’t know if you want to do it. You don’t know if you’re courageous enough to do it.”
Courage. I’d always thought I’d had it in spades, but my brother was right. When it came to love I was a gutless wonder.
“Talk to mom,” he suggested. “Maybe she can help.”
I barked a laugh. I loved our mom, but she was the last person I’d go to when I wanted advice. She was the antithesis of everything I’d wanted to be. Her life fell apart because she was so dependent on a man to save her, marrying straight out of high school. Moving from her parents’ house to a shared apartment with her young husband. She was the reason I got a degree. Worked two jobs to save for a down payment on a house and pay off my student loans. Lived off ramen noodles until I could burn my mortgage. Walked or took public transit until I could pay cash for a car. I never wanted to rely on anyone. Be indebted to anyone. Not even a bank. And maybe that spoke to my real issues.
“I don’t think she could help me with this, Drew.”
“Why not? Because she’s not the fearless, independent woman you pretend to be? Because you don’t respect her—”
“I never said that.”
