I wanted to discourage him from romanticizing the past, but wasn’t I doing the same? Sensing it was time for a subject change, I said, “I got those pics you sent me, of your tattoos. I’ll sketch up something and send it to you. If you like what I have in mind, we can book it for when you get back.”
“Cool.”
“How long is your tour?” Having him out on the road for months would probably be a good thing. If he was in the same city right now, I wasn’t sure I could resist the temptation to see him.
“Trey likes to break his tour dates up throughout the year, so twelve-week stretches. A lot of musicians stay out on the road for six months at a time, but thankfully that’s not the way he rolls.”
“Hmm, when you’re headlining you think you’ll want to stay out that long?” I didn’t even know why I was asking; it shouldn’t matter to me.
“If I have a choice, probably not. But Trey’s been at this a long time. He’s paid his dues and gets to call his own shots. I probably won’t have much of a say for a long while.” He chuckled. “Besides, I don’t know that I’ll be headlining my own shows anytime soon. I’m just grateful for this opportunity Trey’s given me to be on the road with him.”
“I think you’re selling yourself short. Like you always do. You’ve had number one hits, a debut platinum album and won several awards already this year. What else will it take to prove to you that you’ve made it?”
“Hearing it from you.”
“Excuse me? I just told you—”
“I mean hearing from you that you’re proud of me, that I’m making more of myself than you thought I would.”
“Mav—”
“It may seem crazy to you, since we haven’t been a part of each other’s lives for so long, but your opinion still matters to me, Codie. A lot.”
I got it. He didn’t have a mother like I had, who loved and supported him. He’d had a younger brother, but he had to try and protect him from the craziness in their home, so there wasn’t much time for either of them to daydream about the future, or what it could look like when they got out of that hellhole they called home.
“It doesn’t seem crazy. I thought about you over the years too. I wanted you to see what I’ve made of my life. Granted, it may have been out of spite most of the time, like I wanted to prove to you that I didn’t need you or was too good for you…” I laughed, shaking my head at my own pettiness. “Clearly, I didn’t get the satisfaction of claiming I’m too good for you. You’re on your way to becoming a country music superstar, just like you always wanted to be. And I am proud of you.”
Though my sister was concerned about me letting Mav back into my life, I thought she would be proud of me for getting all of this out and telling him how I felt. I’d learned the hard way that harboring feelings, the good, bad, and ugly only leads to heartache.
“You are too good for me,” he said, quietly. “Always have been, always will be. Doesn’t matter how many zeros I add to my bank account or how many people know my name. That shit doesn’t make the man.”
I knew if Mav didn’t get over his insecurities, he was at risk of drinking again, and while it wasn’t my job to save him or counsel him, I did want to see him succeed in his recovery.
“No, it doesn’t. But what does make you the man you’ve always wanted to be is your tenacity. Talent. The strength to fight your battles, every single day, no matter how hard it is. To face your past, your mistakes, and own them. To be the kind of man who can uplift the woman he loves, without feeling the need to bring her down or make her feel small so she won’t leave him.” I’d known too many men like that in my lifetime. Guys I’d dated and men my friends had dated. And I could sniff out that type a mile away now.
“Wow. You really think of me that way? Even after I broke your heart?”
“Yeah, I do.” If someone had asked me how I felt about Mav even a couple of weeks ago, I would have said I was indifferent. That I didn’t hold any grudges, I’d forgiven, but not forgotten him. “Seeing you again stirred up some stuff for me, no doubt. A lot of anger and resentment that I thought I’d dealt with and apparently hadn’t, but here we are, talking like two mature adults, so I’d say we’ve both come a long way.”
“I’d say you have, but I’m still a work in progress.”
“You give me too much credit. We’re all a work in progress. And that’s okay, as long as we keep fighting the good fight every day, right?”
“Yeah, definitely. Um, I wanted to ask you this the other night, when we had dinner at the hotel, but we kind of got into it, so I couldn’t.”
“What?”
“Were you pissed that I dedicated that song to you? I know it’s kind of gone viral. I hope that didn’t make things difficult for you, at work, or with your family. I know your mother and sister probably aren’t my biggest fans.”
I rolled my eyes, even though he couldn’t see me. “Truth? No, they’re not. But I’m a big girl, I make my own decisions, and they both know that. In terms of the video and whether it’s made for an interesting week? Yeah, it has. But do I wish you hadn’t dedicated that song to me…?”Tell the truth, Codie.“No, I was kind of flattered, actually.”
“Really?” I could hear the smile in his voice when he asked, “Would this be a good time to tell you that you’ve been my muse then?”
“Your muse, huh?” I couldn’t allow myself to believe that, because if I did, it would make it too damn hard to keep those well-defined lines I’d insisted on. “I bet every girl you’ve ever loved has inspired a song or two.”
“I’ve only loved one girl and she’s inspiredallmy songs.”
Oh God, he did not just say that! “Mav—”
