I chuckled. “Not what you’re thinking. Not as often as you assume anyways.” There was no way in hell I was going to talk to Codie about other girls I’d slept with, it felt sacrilegious.
“I find that hard to believe. If memory serves, you were pretty insatiable.”
“Only with you, babe.” I meant it. When Codie and I were together, I was so afraid of losing her, and wanted to make the most of every day, in case it was our last.
She rolled her eyes. “Whatever.”
“I’m serious.” It felt like the right time for another confession. Purging the lies I’d been living felt good, it felt cathartic. “I hated myself when I was drinking. So, I couldn’t have a real relationship and sex with random strangers only made me hate myself more.”
She nodded, looking thoughtful. “I know what you mean.”
The thought of Codie having sex with random strangers turned my stomach. Not because I was jealous, though I was, but the thought of something happening to her scared the hell out of me. That was another reason being on the road most of the year would seriously suck. I was well aware she’d been taking care of herself without my help for the past fifteen years, but something about this girl brought out all my protective instincts.
“What are you thinking?”
Communication. I knew that was the foundation of every good relationship and the one thing we’d never had, because I’d been too immature and drunk most of the time to have a meaningful conversation with her.
“I was thinking it’s going to be hard to be away. Don’t get me wrong, touring with artists like Trey, Tori, and Ty? That’s the stuff dreams are made of, and will probably be a good distraction, to help me stay sober.”
“But?”
I set the bag of chips on the nightstand between the two queen beds and linked my hand through hers. “But I’m going to miss you.” I knew she probably wasn’t ready to hear that. But I had a new motto: full disclosure. And so far, it had been working pretty well for me. We were sitting together on a bed, opening up to each other like we never had before.
“I’m going to miss you too, but you need to do this.” She rested her head against the upholstered headboard as her eyes traced my face. “This is the only thing you’ve ever wanted, from the time we were in high school. You used to talk about sharing the big stage with your musical idols, remember?”
I nodded. It still seemed like a dream most nights.
“So, you have to seize every opportunity you’re given, Mav. This is your moment… to change your life.”
It felt like something shifted between us and when she said those words, I wasn’t thinking about music anymore.
“I do want to change my life,” I whispered, leaning in to kiss her. “I want to quit drinking and be the kind of man you can be proud of.”
Her palm rested against my cheek as she looked into my eyes. “There’s a reason why relationships are frowned upon in the first year of recovery. It’s too much of a distraction. You have too much of your own stuff to work through. And most importantly, you can never get sober for someone else, or because you think it will make your relationship better. Because if that relationship falls apart, your sobriety is at risk.”
Everything she said made perfect sense, and I was grateful she cared enough to be my voice of reason, but it didn’t change the way I felt. I still wanted to be a better man for her, someone I could never have been when we were younger.
“So, what does that mean for us?” I was invading her space, my lips trailing down her neck as she fought for a response. I knew I wasn’t playing fair, but I couldn’t let this be the end of us.
“You know I can’t think straight when you’re doing that, right?” She tipped her head back to grant me full access to the secret places on her body I’d mapped so many years ago.
“Yeah, I know.” But I didn’t stop. I couldn’t. Getting this close to Codie again, being able to touch her and kiss her and illicit those sexy little moans from her was every dream I’d never been brave enough to imagine.
She inched down on the pillow and I did the same. I hovered over her for a split second, needing to savor the moment.
“You okay?” she whispered, frowning. “Do you need a minute?”
My smile was shaky because I was a mess of emotions. I was so grateful to be getting this opportunity again, but at the same time I was terrified of screwing it up and hurting her. I knew I couldn’t live with myself if I did that.
“I want to promise I’ll never hurt you again, but we both know I can’t.”
She nodded. “One day at a time, right?” When I didn’t respond, she said, “That doesn’t just apply to your sobriety. It applies to your life and mine. Right now. This moment. That’s all we have.”
I closed my eyes and felt her lips on mine before she whispered, “It’s enough. It has to be.”
She was right. It had to be enough. But every day I could wake up determined to be the best man I could be that day, for her and myself. I could string together days, weeks, months… eventually a lifetime of sobriety. And I’d earn her trust, make her believe in me, and us.
“Yeah, it does.”
