“Are you serious?”
My stomach was already quivering with fear and regret, but I forced myself to be brave.“Yes.”
“Why would you say that?Are you not… happy with me?”
I hated that he always assumed he was the problem.But I knew that was one of the many issues he still had to work through.
“I didn’t say that.”I reached for my glass of chardonnay.“But communication is the foundation of a good relationship, and if we can’t talk about the things that are bothering us, I don’t know how to make this work.”
He sank back in his chair, hanging his head.“Fine, you really want to know?My sister said something the other night that I haven’t been able to get off my mind.”
“I figured as much.You’ve been off ever since you went over to her place for pizza.”I took a sip of my wine.“If you don’t want to talk about it, you don’t have to.But?—”
“I’m not sure I want to have any more kids,” he blurted.“And she thought that might he a deal breaker for you.”
“Oh.”I didn’t even know how to respond to that.I was stunned.“Um, okay.”
He reached across the table, covering my hand with his.“Grace, say something.Please.”
“I don’t know what to say.”I withdrew my hand and took a fortifying sip of wine.“So, you don’t want to have kids?”I did want to get married and have kids someday, and couldn’t see myself falling in love with a man who didn’t see those things in his future.
He closed his eyes.“I don’t think so.I mean, I’ve never even considered it, really.I was so focused on trying to have a relationship with the kid I’ve already got.”
“Of course, that makes sense.”I set my near-empty glass down and watched as he re-filled it.“Thanks.”
“I don’t want this to be a deal breaker for us,” he said, lowering his voice as he leaned in.“Tell me it’s not.”
“I don’t even know what to say right now, to be honest.I just need time to process.”And maybe talk to my best friend and sister about it.I knew Taz and I were years away from marriage and babies, but if we couldneverget there, was I just wasting my time with him?
He shook his head, looking disgusted.“This is why I didn’t want to bring this up.I knew you would react this way.”
I thought I was being perfectly calm and rational.I’d just asked him for a little time to think.“What way?”
“You’re shutting down on me.”He gestured to me with his hand.“Freezing me out.It’s written all over your face.I can’t be what you need me to be so?—”
“Taz,” I said, lowering my voice as I leaned in.“This really isn’t the time or place for this talk.”A few people had already stopped him to ask for autographs and selfies and I didn’t want someone to take a video and post our very personal discussion online.
He curled his hand into a fist on the table before reaching for his wine with the other hand and draining the glass.“Fine, you want to wait until we’re alone so you can dump me?You don’t like ugly scenes, is that it?”
I wanted to reassure him, but I couldn’t tell him what he wanted to hear, at my own expense.I really did need time to think this through.“Can we please just finish eating and talk about this later?”
“I lost my appetite.”He gestured to my half-empty plate.“But by all means, you finish.”
My stomach was tied up in knots too.“That’s okay.I’m not hungry any more either.”
He gestured to the waiter, who rushed over.
“Is there a problem, sir?”
“No problem,” Taz said.“Just the check, please.”
He frowned, looking at our half-eaten entrees.“If there’s something wrong with the food?—”
“There’s nothing wrong with the food,” Taz said, between clenched teeth.“Could we just get the check, please?”
“Of course, sir.I’ll be right back.”
We stared at each other for a minute as my heart broke for him.I could feel his inner turmoil, and knowing I couldn’t help him was killing me.But I’d learned a long time ago, you couldn’t help someone who didn’t want your help.And it would take a lot more than a pep talk from me to convince this gorgeous, complicated, broken man that he could be an amazing husband and father… if only he was willing to forgive himself.
