“Is it just women?” I asked. “No way Reaper would allow himself to be pigeonholed like that.”
“You know, that’s a good point. I wonder if it’s a pansexual dating show.”
“Must be. Sounds like good TV. How’s the new sub working out?”
She sighed and shook her head. “Now there’s a smartass masochist if ever I’ve met one. If she doesn’t stop mouthing off to her clients and deliberately getting marked, I’m going to fire her. She’s one of the best subs I’ve come across in a long time, but she’s a little firebrand. Ophelia probably isn’t the best influence on her.”
I could only nod in agreement.
The more we talked about the dungeon, the more I missed it, which only added a layer to my confusion. I missed the women I worked with and the thrill of people opening up to me. I missed the challenge of getting in someone’s head and the satisfaction when I pulled something liberating out of them.
Most of all, I missed feeling like I knew what I was doing with my life, but I wasn’t going to be able to just slide back into that mindset after our contract was up. I’d been ignoring my own needs because I was so caught up in the momentum of being busy, but I’d avoided these questions for too long and would need to face them upon my return.
A car was waiting outside to take me to Alex’s place, so I hugged Victoria.
“You’re coming to work next week, right? There might be a revolt if you don’t, so please tell me now if you’re wavering.”
“I promise I’ll be there.”
I arrivedat Alex’s house while my thoughts were still in turmoil. I didn’t know whether to tell him what prompted my discussion with Victoria. I didn’t want him to think it was because of him or that he had any say in it. Why would he? We were “breaking up.”
Maybe down the road, once things had settled in the media we could be friends. There wasn’t a place for me in his life as his girlfriend, but there was nothing to stop us from being friends.
Except the fact we couldn’t keep our pants on around each other, and that I now knew he had the most talented tongue I’d ever encountered. And that he was the most infuriating, charming, perceptive, caring man I’d ever met. And that his hand holding mine felt like home.
Fuck.
I was so fucked.
40
Alex
Iwas on my way to being drunk.
It wasn’t like me to have more than one drink, but I’d been losing my mind over who Elena was with and what she was doing even if I knew it was none of my business. I wasn’t just learning how to play Lucas Steel. I was turning into the overbearing asshole.
She didn’t belong to me.
Even if she did belong to me, she was allowed to meet people for dinner.
All of that was perfectly clear when I was sober, but now things in my brain were a little fuzzy. I didn’t even know how many drinks I’d had since I’d given up on a glass after the second one and just started sipping from the bottle.
Like the classy motherfucker I am.
It was the secrecy that was killing me. Why didn’t she want to tell me who it was? I knew about her bridge club and her dungeon friends. We’d talked openly about everything from her family to our exes. Hell, I’d watched her ex fuck her and hadn’t felt a twinge of jealousy.
This wasn’t jealousy. It was something else. It was fear that she didn’t trust me as much as I trusted her, that she was still holding me at arm’s length and the rest of it was a fantasy in my head.
I was in the middle of raking my fingers through my hair for the hundredth time when there was knock on my front door.
I flung the door open without stopping to check it was her. It was a good thing it was because I was standing there in nothing but my underwear, probably reeking of booze and grinning like a fool.
“Hi. How was your date?” I sounded tipsy even to my own ears.
She assessed me with eyes that missed nothing, then steered me into the kitchen and pushed me down on a barstool.
She started clattering around the kitchen. “My dinner was good. I would ask how yours was, but it appears you had a liquid dinner…”
