Elric nodded like it was settled, clearly having no idea how much worse it probably was to leave Eleanor with Sigrid over the soldiers. The soldiers were scared shitless of him and had been raised with Saxon sensibilities. The same couldn’t be said for my wife.
“Right,” I said, clapping my hands and digging through the wagon. “A tent for the ladies it is, then.”
Sigrid
This day had beenfull of new experiences. It was certainly the first time I’d been sequestered in the center of a war camp like a fragile thing that might be damaged by the rough language of soldiers. Elric hadn’t just insisted on a tent, but a gap between usand the circle of men around us in case, what? They overheard our delicate lady snores?
I inwardly groaned, wanting nothing more than to lose myself in Bastian’s arms, not knowing how many more nights I’d have with him. But I’d stay with Eleanor to make sure she remained free.
“Is lovemaking very painful?” Eleanor whispered just after we’d finished undressing for bed. It was warm enough that we could sleep in our shifts, so we sat like little girls in the candlelight with our feet tucked under us on bed pallets.
I blinked in surprise, not sure how we’d gotten on the subject.
“I heard you,” she said, her cheeks turning bright pink. “That night in your rooms. It sounded like you were in pain.”
I blew out a breath, unsure whether to laugh or cry at her ignorance. Her huge doe eyes were so vulnerable and sincere.
“It…ah…what you heard wasn’t pain. Have you never experienced pleasure that made you cry out or moan?”
She covered her face sheepishly. “I’m an unmarried lady. Of course I’ve never been with a man.”
I choked on a laugh. “My darling, men have little to do with what I asked. In fact, I’ve found them often to be a hindrance. You don’t even need another person to feel like that.”
I expected her to repeat whatever nonsense she must’ve been told about such pleasure being a sin, but she raised her chin and said, “Show me how.”
I’d been with plenty of women, but didn’t feel any attraction to this one. Hel, I hadn’t been attracted to anyone else since Bastian got under my skin. So it was with objective calm that I raised my shift and showed her where and how to touch. She boldly did the same to herself, and I wondered just what sort of decency Captain Elric thought he’d afforded her by leaving her in a tent with a heathen.
But this wasn’t my doing. She wanted to be free of their rules.
I moved the candle, giving her the safety of more darkness so she didn’t feel insecure as she experimented.
She let out little breaths that told me she was learning, but they never escalated even though she kept trying and trying for what felt like hours.
“It feels like something is just out of reach,” she whispered urgently. “Something I want so badly it feels like I’ll die without it.”
I knew that agony. It would’ve been so easy to do it for her, but I felt sure this sort of thing mattered to her, that she wouldn’t want her first experience to be with a friend who felt nothing in return.
She’s probably picturing my husband.
For the first time since the throne room, my berserker stirred, still drained but decidedly unhappy with the idea of Eleanor wanting my man.
He wasmine.
But he wouldn’t be for long. Was it unfair of me to cling to him jealously when I’d only break his heart? Maybe giving him permission now would ease the way for his happiness later. Eleanor was a good woman who’d be devoted to him. He’d see her to safety and in his noble way, perhaps he’d learn to love her too.
She’ll never love him like I do.
But I had no choice but to leave him.
I hated myself for wanting to bargain with the gods, to find another way to avenge Axel. I loathed my weakness for making excuses to buy myself time with Bastian. Axel had been suffering all this time. I couldn’t live with myself if I let him suffer much longer for my own selfish reasons.
It was that self-loathing that made me whisper. “Shall I get Bastian? He’s an exceedingly talented lover. He could show you exactly what to do.”
No. No. No!
In the dim grey light, she tensed. “You wouldn’t…object?”
Fuck yes, I’d object.
