I was going to have to hurt us both.
I waited for Sayla to join her mother in the other bedroom, and then lay in the quiet for several hours listening to Penny’s heartbeat. As tired as I was, sleep remained out of reach. There was too much to do, and it couldn’t wait until morning.
Eventually, I peeled away from Penny and pulled myself out of bed. I tucked him in a little tighter, straightened my shirt and smoothed my hair again, then opened the top dresser drawer. It only took a few minutes to pack my things and set my bag by the door. But I quickly found that resolving to leave andactuallyleaving were two very different things.
I stood at the bedside far longer than I should have, watching Penny’s chest rise and fall, memorizing the way the moonlight cast half his face in shadow. He shifted in his sleep, making a lock of hair brush across his cheek.
When I tucked it behind his ear, my fingers lingered, curled in the straw-blond strands for several moments more.
The longer I delayed, the more chance there was of Penny waking and putting a stop to things, so let go of his hair and stepped back. Already my heart was aching.
It would only get worse.
Penny’s sketchbook laid on the bedside table, and I flipped it open to a blank page and plucked his pencil from where it threatened to roll onto the floor. I didn’t know what to say, but I couldn’t leave without word. As the minutes dragged on, I scribbled down the best I could manage:
I’m sorry. I’ll come back, but I need you to be safe. Please stay. I love you, and I hope you can forgive me for this when it’s all over.
It was a promise, but what if I couldn’t keep it?
Penny’s concerns that I might die in Ashpoint weren’t exactly unfounded. That I might not make it through this alive was a risk I’d accepted at the beginning, but now the thought of sacrificing the life and love I had with Penny was almost unbearable.
If I left him here then didn’t live through dismantling the Bone Men, he would languish waiting in vain, and thathurt. How long would he wait before he gave up? Six months? A year? Two? I wasn’t sure if it was worse to think of him growing old worrying about me, or eventually moving on with another man.
One way or another, I would survive.
Iwouldcome back.
There was no other option.
Setting the pencil in the crease of the spine, I left the sketchbook open and returned to my bag at the door. One last lingering look back was all I allowed myself before I slipped out of the room.
I stepped into my boots and grabbed my cloak from the hook by the back door, then ventured out into the warm night. Every step on my way to the barn to retrieve a bridle and harness felt like torture, but I persisted. By the time I got the horse from the pasture, my hands were shaking and I was fighting the desire to go back to bed and pretend I’d never even considered this.
While I harnessed the horse, my thoughts clamored louder as new worries crept in. Surviving Ashpoint and finishing what I started did not mean I would return here to open arms. I promised Penny I’d never leave him, and yet I was leaving anyway.
I was doing theonething he’d begged me not to do. How could he trust me again after this? Whatever happiness he’d found with me might not be enough to salve such a blatant betrayal. He might decide I wasn’t worth the pain or the waiting and take Dawson up on his offer to reconnect.
The thought made my stomach churn.
Dawson was an ass.Iwas the one Penny loved.Iwas the one he wanted to marry in front of a backdrop of sunflowers. He might spend the next few months angry at me for leaving, but he would eventually understand that it was the only way to keep him safe.
I dumped my bag into the bed of the cart and led the horse out to the lane before climbing onto the driver’s bench. I sat there for several minutes until I plucked up the nerve to click my tongue and goad the mare into motion.
When I made it out to the main road, I turned toward the distant Shattered Peaks. I didn’t get more than a few paces before yanking the horse to a stop. My chest tightened as my vision narrowed, then blurred through a film of tears.
What was I doing?
Behind me, Eastcliff remained dark and quiet.
I could go back.
I could stay.
I could leave Ashpoint in my past where maybe it always should have remained.
I could wash my hands of it all, and then take Penny to myrealhome in Forstford.
We’d done plenty by setting the wheels in motion, hadn’t we?
