While part of me wants to reassure them that no matter what the problem is, it will be fine. I know deep down that isn’t true…sometimes things are not fine. Sometimes no matter how hard you try, things turn out bad. Sometimes happily ever after is just bullshit.
And now I am just depressing myself.
Do I not want to offer reassurance because of anxiety? I can think of at least three different scenarios where things aren’t going to be fine. Four…six if I dwell on it.
What if he is really sick, like, has some kind of horrible disease and is gonna die…oh fuck, I can’t lose him now, I need him.
STOP.
Take some deep breaths. Count of four in…and out.
I need to go find Jacks now and get a hug.
I unfold my legs and stretch. I’ve been sitting on the floor in my temporary room, sorting through sketchbook pages. I can’t express how much I appreciate Jacks and Xan doing all this for me. But like I told them, I know the stuff better than anyone, so I’ll need to be the one to sort through it all for where to put it. I might be able to trim some torn edges and put things in sheet protectors and a binder, or clean up and tip the pages back into the book…but first things first with sorting, then after my heat I’ll have plenty of time to take care of the rest of it.
Stretching my back and shoulders, I stand up and pad outinto the hall and towards the stairs. I know I lose track of time when I’m working, but I am still surprised to see how dark it is outside the window. My stomach lets out a loud rumble, and I realize I haven’t eaten since after Xan went back from lunch.
Jacks jumps off the couch and wraps me in a hug as soon as I reach the bottom of the stairs.
“Are you ok? Did I do something wrong? Did one of them do something wrong? Are you pissed at us?” My mind spins with the rapid fire questions, and I bury my face against his neck, breathing him in to ground myself.
“No, sorry, I just got hungry and figured I should come see if dinner was ready.” Jacks and Xan exchange a look over my head, before Xan sandwiches me between them in another tight hug.
“Sorry love, I came by twice to tell you about dinner, and Jacks stopped in once…we just figure you were mad at us…sorry if we were too rough earlier.” He kisses my forehead and then leans over me to kiss Jacks too.
“Oh, shit…sorry. I don’t even remember you guys stopping in, I was just super focused.” I reach both my hands up to pull their faces down. “And I really enjoyed what we did earlier, like, a lot, so please don’t apologize. You apologize too much already”
Hello Kettle, this is the Pot calling, you’re black.
My stomach takes this time to give out another loud grumble and Jacks squeezes me tighter for a moment before letting go and heading toward the kitchen.
“I made you a plate, and put it in the oven, so it’s still warm. And it’s not lasagna so it should be fine.” He says looking pointedly at Gabe, still sitting on the couch–as he carries a plate out to the dining area for me and sets it down.
Not gonna lie, having a guy who can cook this well, and does so, for me, regularly–they are going to have to roll me out of this house if I don’t start exercising again soon.
I dig into a big slice of shepherd’s pie, and it’s so good. Xan heads back to the living room and sits down beside Gabe again, resuming whatever discussion I interrupted. Jacks seems intent on hovering until Leo comes over and tells him to sit down. He watches me intently as I finish dinner, offering me seconds, a drink, or dessert. All of which I decline. I glance over at the clock, and notice that it is already 7:30. I must have been really focused to have zoned out through them trying to call me down for dinner three times.
I let Jacks lead me over to the second couch and pull me into his lap, where he starts purring for me, and all I really want to do is curl against him and sleep. With my heat getting closer I get hungrier and my body is tired more often. But if we need to haveThe Talkbefore it hits, then we should do it now.
“Hey, Gabe,” I say, trying to pull out of Jacks’ snuggles. “The shop’s closed tomorrow, yeah?” It isn’t really a question I need answered, I know they’re closed tomorrow, but my mind is whirling with how to start this discussion and I know I’m stalling.
“Xan and I were thinking of going in, just to do some cleanup, and get organized for having to be out part of next week for your heat, why?”
Well, shit, there goes my knowing the answer.
“Oh, well, um, you said before we go through my heat we should talk to each other a little bit more about backgrounds…how you guys became a pack, how I started living with my Grandpa, stuff like that. And I wondered if you wanted to do that tonight, or this weekend…or…sorry, I’m not great at talking about myself.” I feel like my ears are on fire as I bury my face in Jacks’ chest, but he is suddenly stiff underneath me.
I swallow thickly, pulling away, suddenly worried I’ve said something wrong, as I climb off his lap and settle in at the other end of the couch. He puts his hand towards me and my stomach sinks when he suddenly lets it drop and stares intently over at Leo and Gabe.
Fuck, and I ruined the mood! Good job!
“U-Unless you d-don’t want to. I…I didn’t mean to pry. It’s just come up a few times, and with my heat next week, I just thought…” I trail off, nausea threatening to make the shepherd’s pie a return performance.
Xan comes to sit between us, turning to pull Jacks into a hug, and rocking him back and forth.
I hear murmurs and then Jacks, a little louder, “No, no, she needs to know, right. It wouldn’t be fair for her to get any deeper with my broken ass without knowing. But I..I can’t. Okay? I’m just…I’m gonna go.”
Xan is still wrapped around Jacks bigger body, but Jacks is standing up pulling him with him as he makes for the stairs. A fat tear rolling down his cheek. Xan finally lets him go, butwatches him go upstairs and turn towards their shared room. I don’t hear the door close.
