Idon’t want to go.
To be honest, that line made me cry in Doctor Who, but I get it now. I mean, I was sad watching it, but now it’s like…ugh…right in the feels. I have to go back, but it doesn’t feel like going home. It’ll be my same room, same food at the commons, same people around me, but it won’t be the pretty nest that Spence made me, or the different things Paul cooks, or even Al being a snarky little bitch across the table from us. It’s been less than two weeks since I met these guys, but they already feel important to me in a way that nobody but Greg did back there.
Of course Shaggy wants to get back, he’s been enjoying all the attention, but his house is there, and he probably misses the familiarity of the dorm, I’m sure it’s quieter without Jake always wanting to lick him. That dog is all tongue. He’s a sweetie, but a bit too lovey for me and Shaggbutt. He actually kind of remindsme of Spence, big, goofy, and affectionate—though I have more patience for my alpha ’cause he makes me feel special. With him, it feels like it’s about me as a person not just someone for ear rubs. I’m gonna miss him, all of them really. Even the surly one.
I’ll try to get in touch with John once I get back, get some solid answers, and then deal with my family since I technically need their permission to leave the center, unless my pack signs for me, and I don’t know if these guys are ready to take that step yet…I don’t know if I am…maybe. They make me feel so good; just being near them feels like everything is going to be ok. I don’t know if it’s love, but it could be eventually. I would make the argument that it feels better than being with John, who I’m supposed to love, but that wouldn’t really be hard. Other than his scent, he’s kind of a shithead. But I grew up with that; I can deal with a shit attitude, and I have for most of my life. I guess the question is, do I want to deal with that for the rest of it?
Sitting cross-legged in what I’m already thinking of asmy room—attached tomy nest—I run my hands down Shaggy’s back, enjoying his happy little bruxing sounds and the feel of his soft fur. My poor boy wasn’t neglected during my heat, but I still missed him. I don’t want him to think he’s been replaced by a bunch of alphas. He’s my tiny, fluffy boy. I seriously thought Spence was going to start making squee noises earlier when I introduced them. The big guy looked like he was already in love with my tiny ball of fluff…and he can hold him in one hand—an experience Shaggy did not seem to relish. If the big guy used both hands, it would probably be like having a little bunny cave. Of course, he was placated somewhat when they brought out fresh mint and a sliced-up carrot. The big guy at least would make sure my bun is very spoiled if we lived here.
“What should I do, Shaggy? I’m being pulled all over the place by what I know I want to do, and what I know I’m supposed to do, and it sucks.” He stares up at me from my lap with a relaxedexpression. I should have known he wouldn’t be any help. It may be telling that when I thought of introducing him to John to see how they reacted to each other, my first thought was that I wasn’t sure if I wanted him in my room, scent match or not…Not that alphas are allowed in the dorms, but the thought made me feel gross, like stepping on something slimy and tracking it inside.
Here, they’ve opened up their home and given me my own space, though Spence did mention he could change anything I wanted, and to just let him know. Paul made a kind of snorting sound and kept eating, and since everything had been changed around from when I first saw this room, I’m gonna guess that Spence was working on it up until I got here. He certainly put a lot of effort into making sure Shaggy had a nice run, even just for the one night.
Greg opens the door without knocking, and I’m fine with that; we live together already and have a shared space. His face suddenly fills with concern as he drops down beside me on the floor. “Hey, is everything ok? You look…not exactly sad, andheseems happy enough.” His eyes flick down to my bun. “Thoughtful? What can I get you? What do you need? Does something hurt? Are you having heat cramps? I can rub your tummy…or get you some antacid if it was dinner. I mean, it was delicious, but how many people did Paul think he was feeding?” His worried face cracks into a smile, poking fun at the alpha. We both seem to like these guys, though not in the same way. Greg seems to really enjoy how much they want to take care of me too.
My laugh feels forced. “No. No, nothing’s wrong…exactly. My brain was just spinning its wheels and I was asking for Shaggy’s opinion.”
Greg nods wisely. “Ah yes, the great bunny sage. What did he say?” He’s outright smiling at me now.
“Meh, mostly he just stared at me, probably mad that I let him eat too much mint so he didn’t have room for carrots.” Shaggbutt looks up between us like he knows we’re talking about him. He slides off my lap before hopping into his new run and burrowing into the pile of hay. Kicking a few times in protest before going still. “See, he has no strong opinions unless it involves food. I don’t think he was a huge fan of Moose earlier, despite how excited the alpha was to meethim. And, I guess it just occurred to me that I don’t want John to meet my bun…or at least I don’t want to give him the opportunity to be in my space to meet him?”
My voice pitches up, turning it into a question. “I’m not sure exactly what I’m feeling. I like it here; I like that they’ve made us so at home and put so much effort into even makinghimfeel comfortable.” My foot shoots out, pointing my toes at the lump of hay that is Mr. Shaggbutt. “It’s just kind of an uncomfortable contrast to the guy who is supposed to be mine, but who can’t or won’t make the time to even come to the center. It’s been a few months now, and I’ve only seen him a couple of times. He says he wants me, but he doesn’t act like it. Then we meet these guys less than two weeks ago, and…I don’t know. They’ve already made it feel like home.”
He nods a few times before folding his legs and settling beside me on the floor and pulling me into his lap. I always feel like touching Greg, so I’m happy to cuddle close and purr against his big warm chest. I have to bite back a little moan at the idea of cuddling on the couch with the alphas downstairs and my beta in a similar position.
Spence is almost always purring, and I know I’m going to miss that sound when we go home. It doesn’t feel like a contest or a comparison, though. They know he’s mine and I’m pretty sure that Spence would be fine with Greg sitting in his lap if we werestacked like this. Like a human turducken—my beta could be in the middle of a purring sandwich.
My breath comes out in an involuntary snort laugh, because the mental image is a lot more risqué than I was planning. Not that they’re into each other like that. Nope, it’s a bevy of beautiful men all for me. Well, ok, Spence is more roughed up boy-next-door, given how many times it seems he’s been hit in the face, and Paul isn’t what I’d call pretty so much as distinguished, aged like a fine cheese. Al is too stuffy to be beautiful, and his nose is more Romanesque than classically attractive but his eyes are always super intense, which is hot in itself. Greg is the only one that could be considered classically pretty, and I’m good with that. It means less competition for me to be the hot one.
I snort another chuckle, making him pull back enough to look down at me. “Everything ok?”
Yeah, no, he’s too pretty. If anybody’s gonna give me a run for my money on it, it’ll be him. Thank fuck he doesn’t see it. “Nothing’s wrong, Pretty Boy. Just lost in thought.” He pulls me close to his chest again, humming quietly and kissing the top of my head softly. We were supposed to watch a movie tonight, and I was going to force the alphas to sit through Monty Python so I could see if we really do have a future. Anybody I live with long-term is gonna have to be cool with my movie choices. But right now I’m just so cozy, I don’t want to think about leaving tomorrow. I just want cuddles. It’s too bad I’d have to get up to drag anybody else in here for them.
Chapter 85
It’s been over a week since we got back, and I miss the guys so much already. They followed us to the airport, and Paul went with Greg to return the van while Spence and Al waited with me and Shaggy. The big guy didn’t want to put me down and gave everybody who got close the stink eye. I can see where some people might think he looks scary, but he’s just a big, cuddly cinnamon roll as far as I can tell. Al just rolled his eyes and gritted his teeth in a poor imitation of a smile. Nothing to see here, move along. Paul extracted promises from me and Greg to message them as soon as our flight landed, and once again when we reached campus. The guy is protective, I’ll give him that.
I still don’t know what to do. I’ve been trying to reach John so we can talk about everything and try to figure out if what we have is going anywhere, but he just sends me straight to voicemail,and has since before I got back. I had tried calling him right after my heat too, but still no reply.
Mamá, on the other hand, has called several times to complain about Greg taking my calls during my heat, and to tell me that the alphas won’t want to put in the work to court me long distance, and I should just settle down with a pack that are friends with my brother. Hard pass.
I had to go see Doctor Terra on Monday. She had a lot of questions about my heat popping up so suddenly and wanted to give me a quick exam and draw blood to make sure I was ok. She said it’s a good thing to have my heat without suppressants every so often so that my body can keep working normally. The problem, of course, is that if my body was working normally, I wouldn’t have had an early heat. It seems to be circular thinking, but I’m not a medical professional, so maybe she’s right. Though to me, it felt like she was just reading off a script of shit you’re supposed to tell your omega clients.
The administration offices were super friendly and thanked both Greg and me for keeping them in the loop so that no one called the police about a missing omega. I’m pretty sure that would have been extra awkward for Paul if he got in trouble at work for it. Still, I had to sign a statement to the effect that they don’t take any responsibility for my having my heat unsupervised and blah blah blah. Yeah, ’cause I totally did this on purpose. It was the highlight of my year, causing them stress. Ok, well the heat part might have been, and the alphas. Stressing out the head honcho here was just an added bonus.
Right now I’m standing between Greg and Adam, waiting for our food in the commons. Adam is shorter even than Al since he’s actually an omega, and I want to ask him how Lily’s doing, but he looks exhausted and pretty haggard. Not that I’d tell him that, but I can still offer to help. “Hey, how’s it going?” What a stupid fucking question that was. Hello, brain, are you working?“I mean…shit. You know my social skills suck, man. Just lemme know if there’s anything I can do to help, ok? I can stay with Lily if you need to go get a haircut or just some time to step away.” Not that Adam’s vain, but he’s looking a little more fluffy than usual, and I know he doesn’t want to leave her alone.
Of course, my words have him tugging self-consciously at the ends of his hair. Apparently my filter is completely broken, because I just keep talking. “No, it’s not bad, it’s just longer than I’ve seen it before. I just…want to help. I have no idea what to do. I’m worried about you…both of you. What I really want to do would get me arrested, and probably on some kind of watch list if I said it out loud. So just…you know, I’m here for you. If you need anything.” His eyes shift over my shoulder to Greg. He doesn’t have a problem with my beta, but he’s wary of anyone else being around his mate. “Not to worry, Greg will stay home and watch Shaggy if you need me to come keep an eye on Lily. I know she’s only met him once, and I don’t want her to be uncomfortable.”
He nods his head, and I’m uncertain if he’s agreeing to let me help or just affirming that I’ve offered. There’s not a lot I can do, regardless. Thankfully, I’m saved by the line moving and our food getting handed over. Greg picks up both our boxes and Adam gets one each for himself and Lily. We leave, headed back to the dorms, and his eyes are sad when he finally speaks. “It’s not like she’ll actually eat. I keep trying, but she doesn’t do more than pick at anything I bring her. I’m worried about her, Sarah. Maybe…maybe you can come by and talk to her. We go to therapy every week, but she’s not getting better. Her doctor says there’s nothing physically wrong, but…I can’t lose her.” His hand rubs absently over the side of his neck where her bonding mark is, and I want to pull him into a hug and tell him it’ll all be ok.
Now that he’s started talking, he can’t seem to stop. “I’m worried about what’ll happen when she finally has a heat again.They said that her body was probably still in shock, so she didn’t have one last month when I had mine. She still helped me through it, but she was distant. Cuddles with me in the nest are fine, but she flinches when anybody else gets close to her. She won’t even write anymore, and barely reads now. She packed away all her books; an entire wall of the main room is just boxes of them.”
His breath hitches in a rough exhale that’s almost a sob before he straightens his shoulders and blinks several times. He finally nods to me. “I’ll remember your offer. Thank you. I can see if she feels like spending some time with you. Maybe you could bring Shaggy over and see if he can perk her up. If anything can make her laugh, it might be the little diva bunny.” He smiles, but it looks broken and forced.
We bid him a brief goodbye at their door, and Greg and I continue on a few rooms down to our place. Greg opens the mini fridge as soon as we walk in and takes out drinks and a small bundle of parsley for Shaggy. He really has been a diva since we got home, turning his nose up to his hay and waiting for fresh greens before he’ll eat anything else. Sam spoiled him, but he needs a balanced diet. Not every day can be bunny treats.
While I’m setting our cartons out on the table and grabbing drinks, there’s a knock on the door. Greg looks at me, and I’m not expecting anyone either. Maybe Adam changed his mind already?
