Mr Collins stared at her in shock. The lady sat in an unladylike pose, elbows on the table, pen still in one hand, while she tapped her teeth with her index finger.
After a few moments, she slapped her hand on the table and yelled, “Aha! I have it!”
Much to his consternation, she ran to the parlour door and flung it open. Mrs Bennet and the two youngest daughters fell through the door and nearly collapsed, but Miss Elizabeth barely noticed. She stepped deftly over them to find her sister Mary, dragged her back into the parlour, and shooed the rest back out.
She pulled her astonished sister to the table and pushed her into the chair.
“Mary, are you willing to be Mrs Collins for £400 per annum? Look at these figures. You would need to limit yourchildren to a manageable brood, but I never thought you wanted many anyway. Mr Collins is not very mathematical, but he is honourable and respectable, has a good living, and will likely inherit in 20-25 years. What do you think?”
Mary looked at the figures for but a few moments. “These figures are fine, Elizabeth. I like our cousin a great deal, and I would be very happy to be his bride under these conditions.”
Elizabeth laughed gaily. “There! Problem solved!”
She took the paper, added the savings calculations and a few lines for signatures, and slid it in front of Mary.
“Sign here! Of course, your signature counts for nothing legally, but let us at least acknowledge the agreement to avoid misunderstandings.”
Mary initialled the proper place with a smile so bright that Mr Collins was struck dumb; Elizabeth smiled brightly back.
“Mr Collins,” Elizabeth said gently, “you offered your hand in marriage to Miss Bennet, so such you shall have. It is fortunate you were not more specific, as there is no need for any unpleasantness, such as repeating your proposal. You may consider your suit entirely successful, and if I am honest, this is your lucky day, as Mary is the best spouse you could possibly acquire. Sign here, if you will, then I believe you should be off to see my father post-haste.”
Mr Collins shook his head in befuddlement and looked at Mary as though she had grown lovelier in the space of a minute.
“Miss Mary, I cannot say whether I have been hoodwinked or enlightened. I have only one question. Are you happy with your sister’s machinations?”
“More than happy, Mr Collins. I am much more suited to the life of a parson’s wife than Lizzy. We honour you for doing things correctly. It was right and proper for you to first seek the eldest available daughter, and nobody in the world could fault you. However, I believe myself better suited to the task. I always wanted to be a parson’s wife, and such I shall be.”
Mr Collins looked far more appealing when he gave a genuine smile rather than the false one he generally employed. She hoped instruction from Mary might make something sensible of him yet.
“Well then, to follow the forms, perhaps you might like to ask the question unambiguouslyand succinctly, then receive the answer and any displays of violent affection that seem appropriate to the moment,” Elizabeth said gaily.
With a smile and a laugh, she bowed to Mr Collins, kissed Mary on the cheek, snatched the paper off the table for safekeeping, and went out to share the happy news with the rest of her family.
Mary Bennet and her intended emerged from the breakfast room into excessive exuberance, but nobody could fault the family their celebrations. Mrs Bennet went on for some time about having a daughter well married, though Elizabeth was not entirely certain her mother understood thatMarywas to be the eventual mistress of Longbourn.
The commotion settled, and Mary, Elizabeth, and Mr Collins all wore the self-satisfied smiles of those who had seen a simple plan come off as it should, even if the result had strayed far from the original scheme.
Mr Collins accepted Elizabeth’s suggestion that he speak to Mr Bennet for consent, blessings, sarcastic teasing, and whatever else her father chose to bestow.
Escape
Mary approached Elizabeth with a soft smile.
“Lizzy, what say you to walking into Meryton to speak to Uncle Phillips about the marriage contract? We should bring him back and have the contract fully settled as soon as possible. You know our father; he would wait a fortnight, then do a poor job of it—or worse yet, let Lady Catherine write it. If we sneak out, it will give us a chance to speak privately and tell Uncle Phillips what the settlements must say. Papa will sign anything placed before him, so let us make sure that provision is correct. That will allow the gentlemen the illusion of control, while making certain the settlements are drawn properly.”
Elizabeth smiled in return. “Of course, Mary. I very much wanted to speak to you privately anyway.”
Jane was insensible in anticipation of the rapture expected when Mr Bingley returned in a few days, as promised. The gentleman had danced the first and supper sets with her, and showered her with attention for the rest of the evening. Nothing wasdecided, but Elizabeth had never seen a more promising inclination.
Kitty and Lydia were already giggling with Mrs Bennet and planning the details of the boasting campaign they would start as soon as the official blessing was given.
A reasonable person might think a newly engaged bride would stay in the house to converse further with her suitor or her father; but then again, a reasonable person would not be inclined to spend much time in the Bennet household.
Nobody noticed as Elizabeth and Mary slipped away from the maddening throng and donned their wraps for the 1-mile walk into Meryton.
~~~
The day was bright and cold, as expected on 27 November. The roads were still muddy and uncertain after 4 days of unrelenting rain preceding the Netherfield ball, but the sisters were unintimidated by a little mud.
