Isn’t that supposed to be like, Trigger 101? This is fucked up, isn’t it? This is the entire bedrock of my issues. All of it, wrapped up into the idea that I should’ve run away when I had the chance.
I didn’t run away back then. Deep down, I was terrified that they’d simply chase me, catch me again, and punish me. I didn’t want to be chased by those men, bythatman. I couldn’t stand the thought of being hunted by his version of ‘love’. And he would’ve hunted me. I know it in my fucking soul. That man was obsessed with me, would’ve chased me to the ends of the earth. His love for me was sick, but real. I didn’t want it, but it felt real.
But this?
I realize that I’m panting for air, my fingers trembling, my extremities getting staticky as my adrenaline response hits the wall and prepares me for flight.
“What if I get away?” I ask hoarsely.
The room feels too quiet, our voices too loud. My nerves are dialed in, my senses high-strung.
“You won’t. Not because you can’t; you don’t want to. This isn’t about getting away. Not really. This is about testing me. I’ve told you before, and I’ll say it again–it’s alright to test me. I don’t mind. I’ll pass every test, I’ll cross every hurdle. I will get my hands on you, one way or the other.”
I’m shivering all the way to my lungs. My skin is on fire, my heart pumping at full speed. I’m about to explode. I have no idea how to detangle the mess I am right now.
But I know how to run away…don’t I?
I don’t move, my feet are rooted to the floor.
I can run. I can.
I lurch, only to sway back into place, stuck.
I want to run, and I want him to follow. I want this.
I can’t move. I’m chained to the floor.
“I’m going to count down from ten,” Young-gi finally says, watching me struggle. “If you haven’t said your safe word by then, I’m going to start chasing you, even if you’re right here in front of me. And that’s fine, too. If you want to be caught right here, then I’ll catch you. Whatever you want, Tommy.”
I swallow hard, feeling torn in two.
He doesn’t wait for long. “Ten.”
I run.
As I tear through the doorway into the hall, I start crying, and laughing. I throw myself down the stairs as fast as I can, rush into the kitchen. Young-gi calls out his numbers louder, so I can hear him even though he’s staying behind, giving me a head start.
“Nine, eight.”
My mind is racing right along with my heart, strategies and possibilities rushing through me. I blow through the kitchen, snatching a meat tenderizer from a utensil block near the fridge.
“Seven.”
I get to the front door, and my adrenaline must be working overtime because it only takes one swing with that mallet to break the door handle off the inside of the door. It’s loud, and Young-gi’s counting pauses, like he’s trying to figure out what I’m up to. I drop the mallet and slam the door shut behind me. I know that not having a knob will slow him down, but not for long.
I hit the elevator call button, over and over and over, as fast as I can.
“Come on, come on,” I chant, tears on my cheeks, a wobbly laugh making my voice high-pitched. I think I might pee, I think I might vomit, I think I might get a boner. Shit, I’m so fucked up.
I finally hear the elevator approaching, but I can’t stop hitting the button. I’m too keyed-up.
“Tommy,” I hear Young-gi call from right inside his door. “What a good, clever boy you are.”
I shiver hard, down to my toes. I didn’t even have time to put my shoes on, and I don’t give a shit. He’s one door away from snatching me before I’m even able to truly run. I’m terrified; I’m ecstatic.
I hear Young-gi working on his door, trying to unlatch it without the knob. It rattles in the frame like a horror movie, and my vision tunnels.
The elevator opens and I tumble inside, hitting the door close button and the one for the ground floor. Just as it starts to close, Young-gi gets his door open and sees me, but he’s too late. His eyes flare with heat as I sag against the back wall, and the doors shut between us. I hear him hit the call button, trying to get it to re-open, but I’m already in motion.
