I’m starting to sweat, and my adrenaline is spiking. I don’t belong here, all alone in this foreign space.
No, not foreign, not entirely. I’ve been somewhere like this before. And that’s the truth of the matter, isn’t it? That’s why I hated Young-gi’s mansion, and why I can’t sleep unless I can hear the shitty neighborhood I live in blaring with sirens and music and shouting.
Because when I’m in places like this… it feels likehim.
I didn’t always live in a shitty apartment with five roommates in the inner city. For a long time,hishouse, the home of the man who took me, was where I lived. It was where I grew up. It’s all I remember of my childhood.
And it was a nice house. A perfectly good, nice neighborhood in the suburbs. It was a quiet house, on a quiet street, with nice things inside and good heating and air conditioning and a fridge full of food and a pantry with sweets just for me, given to me specially on the days I cried after his two friends came over to “love on me”.
You love me, don’t you? My best friends love you, too. Be our good, perfect baby and–
Yeah, his house was a little bit like this. Not as rich and fancy, but close enough.
It disgusts me. Makes me feel like I’ve got bugs under my skin. I scratch and pull at my arms as I pace around some more, faster this time, and redo the circuit of the house.
The big TV calls to me, and the soft couch, but if I want to avoid feeling like I’ve gone back in time ten years then I shouldn’t just sit and watch movies. It’s one thing to do it on a plane, with the roar of the engine in the background and with Kira right beside me, but in a house? On my own? In a quiet, clean place like this?
It’s all just too familiar. I don’t belong here.
And that’s what’s repeating over and over in my mind;I don’t belong here, I don’t belong here. I don’t belong here.
And with the mental clarity that comes after an emotional breakdown like the one I had last night, I know that what I’m really doing is trying to send that message back to my younger self. I should’ve run away. I should’ve escaped. But I never did. I just… stayed. Until I murdered him, and his two friends. I stayed there until I snapped. But I shouldn’t have stayed. Why did I stay? I didn’t belong there.
Why didn’t I run away? I don’t want to think he was right, that I ever liked what he did to me, or that I ever loved him. But if I hated him… why did I stay? I was a little kid, yeah, sure, but kids run away from home all the time. Why didn’t I?
All those years and it was my fault, my own damn fault, because I just let it happen.
I don’t belong here.This place isn’t for me. My place, where I belong, is on the other side of the city and when I’m there, I’m never alone. I’ve got too many roommates to ever be alone.
I freeze, hope blossoming as an idea occurs to me.
I should probably check on my apartment, shouldn’t I? Yeah, yeah, I need to go check on it, I think, almost desperately.
I should just go look at it, at my bed, and my meager supply of stuff, and make sure that my roommates didn’t give it away or anything.
And I should pay rent with what money I have, so they know I’m not gone for good. So I have a place to go to, when this is all over. So I know where I belong.
And I can check on Joshy!I think enthusiastically, my mood swinging wildly upward as I put on my shoes.He’s nice enough. He might be wondering where I am.
Because I belong there, yes, okay, I’ll just go check on everything and make sure it’s all good.
Making the decision to leave, even temporarily, is a release ten times more powerful than using the bathroom this morning, but just as physical. All my muscle tension relaxes, and I breathe easier. I even laugh. Laugh!
Yeah, I just need to go back where I belong.
I grab one of Tommy Claremont’s fancy watches to pawn off for rent money, because I didn’t exactly get paid in advance. This is a great plan. I need to pay rent, I need to go check on my stuff. It’s no big deal, just something I’ve got to do. An errand. I can run errands, can’t I? And there’s nothing to be worried about, and it’s fine if I’m gone while Kira and Lexie are in class. By the time I get back, they might even be here already, and I won’t have to wait for them by myself.
And if they aren’t here yet, I could wait downstairs, or go on a long walk….
Just… anything. Something besides waiting here alone.
Without an ounce of hesitation, I leave the apartment, then the building, then the block. Every step makes me feel lighter. Every step makes me feel more like just Tommy. The Tommy I am today, the one that knows how to run away, and not the Tommy I was when I stayed.
**********
Young-gi
“Pakhan,” Yosef leans close to me from his spot by my shoulder, speaking quietly enough that no one in the meeting can overhear. “Security says Tommy left the premises.”
