He had another nightmare last night. He’s had one each time he’s stayed over.
“I never get much sleep.” He rubs his eyes.
“You know I used to have them as a kid. I could never sleep. Always thought the devil was under my bed.” I smile, swallowing a little, seeing if he’ll open up.
“What stopped them?” He looks at me then, our gaze connecting before he leans back on the seat, lifting his arm up and around my back, encouraging me to lean in on him. And I do.
“My grandmother gave me her small pocket Bible. Told me to put it under my pillow and that it’d ward off the bad dreams. It worked.” I shrug, thinking about my gran and how amazing she was. “Do you believe in religion?” I lift my head to ask him.
“Somewhat. We said grace as a family. Went to church about once a month or so as a kid. That kind of filtered out as I grew up and went into foster care. My mom always read the Bible, though, and I turned to it at different times in my life.”
“It was such a big part of my life growing up.”
“Is it something you’re going to instill in your child?”
I sigh. Griffin asks a good question.
“I’ve been thinking about it. Thinking about what my faith means to me now. If I’ll carry it through in my life and that of my child. I’ll always cherish it, but I think my days of strict rules, attending church multiple times a week, and spending all my free time praying is over. I mean, how can you claim to have such strong beliefs and morals but turn me away when my life got hard? That’s not what Jesus did. I know being unmarried and pregnant is not ideal. It certainly wasn’t my plan either, but you can’t force your daughter into hibernation and look at her in disgust. I don’t see that written anywhere in the Bible.”
It’s cathartic to talk about. The heaviness I’ve felt with coming to this decision weighed more than I realized.
“I guess that’s the beauty of it. You can have it in your life however much you want. Periodically, daily, never, always. The belief never goes; it just changes as your life changes…”
We sit silently for a while, me digesting his words, trying to reconcile my thoughts around it all.
“I’ve also been thinking about the future…” I say tentatively. “I’ve loved getting to know you. Spending time with you… I believe many of my prayers were answered when you turned up in my life. But…” I pause as I sit to face him. “Griffin. I appreciate it all. I really do. But I’m pregnant, about to give birth any day now. I just opened the bakery. I love having you here. I love spending time together. But I’m not a catch. I can’t offer you anything. I have no value to bring to your life. All I can offer you is a fat, emotional woman, sleepless nights, potentially a screaming baby and dirty diapers…” The words rush out of me, because he’s handsome, successful, independent, wealthy, and one of the best men I’ve ever met in my life. What does he get out of this? Out of me? Before I can second-guess my words, I continue.
“The kissing, the dancing…” I swallow roughly before I continue. “I can’t tie you down. You’re a free spirit, and I don’t want you to feel obligated to…”
When I meet his eyes again, they’re flaming, his jaw tight.
“You think I’m here with you because I feel obligated?”
My heart thuds, confusion swirling, and he too sits forward, looking right into my eyes.
“I don’t know what to think. My history proves that I’m not someone who is… well regarded.” My parents had always told me no man would want to marry someone like me, even if I was a good cook. I know their idea of marriage is not mine, it’s all about women submitting. But it’s hard to let those thoughts go when they have been embedded in me for so long. I know I shouldn’t think it. But I do.
“Neither does mine. My life was not cupcakes and fairy tales. I’ve seen more evil in this world than anyone should. I’m damaged. Not sure if I can even be repaired. Too damn old to be even considering it. I feel like just being around you, I’m bringing a shadow to your sunshine. I should stay away from you. And believe me, I tried. I left for a week, buried myself in work on the other side of the country. I fought hard to push you out of my mind, yet I couldn’t stay away. But I’ll leave if you want me to.”
“No, I don’t… I want you here,” I whisper, my shoulders softening in acceptance and relief that he doesn’t see me as a burden or an obligation. That he couldn’t stay away from me, and that’s the same way I feel about him.
“This is a little unconventional. You and me. But you’re a strong woman. You’re resilient. You’re making something of yourself, pulling yourself through to ensure you provide. I don’t feel obligated. I don’t know what’s brewing between us. But I know something is.” He pauses, eyes steady. “You don’t owe me anything. I’m not here out of obligation or because I feel sorry for you and your circumstance. I’m here because I see something in you. Something I want to be near.”
“Okay…” I whisper, nodding. Griffin's gaze doesn’t waver as his hand cups my cheek again.
“Okay.” He nods before he leans down and places a chaste kiss to my lips, melting the tension away. Pulling back, his eyes have a little more light in them. Like my lips offer him energy he’s never had before. “Come here.” Sitting back on the bench, he pulls me into his side. I rest my head on his shoulder, and we sit in silence, looking at the sunset.
And for the first time in months, the future doesn’t feel so terrifying.
20
Savannah
I'm officially overdue and sick of myself. I’ve eaten so much spice, I feel like I would pass for a cardamom pod myself. So today, I switched back to my normal baking program. Although the curry puffs did sell out every day, and I now have a long list of orders for larger pies than I ever thought possible. All of which I have baked and stored in the freezer, ready for a supply I can sell after I give birth.
And as he said, Griffin has been here all week. At the bakery every morning, drifting in and out through the day, always finding some excuse to check on me.
He works from home, from the distillery, from the corner table in my shop… but he’s here. With me. Sleeping beside me at night like it’s the most natural thing in the world.
