“Twelve,” I confirmed, softer now, wishing I could reach across the room and fix the way his lived reality was crumbling like a sandcastle being washed away by the wave of this new information in front of me.
He didn’t say anything for a long minute, just stared into the middle distance of the room, jaw working. I could see the pulse in his throat, frantic.
I went on, because silence was worse, filling in the blanks. “She was in and out of mental health hospitals and treatment facilities for substance abuse. She died from heart failure. And,” I braced myself, “your dad knew. He was notified as the next of kin. He identified the body and the death certificate was mailed here. I don’t know why he never told you.”
He punched his hand on his thigh and let out a sound that was more exhale than words. “Of course he knew. Of course he did.”
“I’m so sorry.” It sounded thin and useless in the face of everything.
Adam’s head was in his hands now, elbows digging into his thighs. For a second, I thought he’d tuned me out completely.
“I always wondered,” he said, his voice muffled. “Even when I said I didn’t care. I thought maybe she’d call, or write, or show up when I graduated. I used to dream about it. Like, she’d justknock on the door and explain everything, and I’d finally get it. I figured she was just... somewhere. Not dead.”
I wanted to go to him, touch his shoulder, but I hovered at end of the bed, something stopping me. Maybe I knew if I did, I’d beg him to let me stay, to make this marriage real.
“I’m sorry I went behind your back,” I apologized. “I just…I would have wanted to know. I didn’t want you to go your whole life not knowing.”
He scrubbed his hands over his face. “I get it. I do. I’m just…” He shook his head, then finally looked at me. “When did you find out?”
I took in a shaky breath. “At the wedding. I got a text right before we danced. I was going to tell you bu?—”
“Is that why you were so weird around me this week?” he cut me off.
“Have I been weird?”
“Yes.” He nodded.
“Oh.” That was news to me.
“I thought it was because of…because we slept together. Again.”
“No, it wasn’t…” I felt my cheeks burn. “I didn’t know how you were going to react and I didn’t want to say the wrong thing. And I didn’t want to make it about me, if you were mad at me. I was scared you would hate me.”
He stared into my eyes and looked, almost hurt. “I couldneverhate you.”
Well, you ghosted me for twenty years so…
I didn’t see any reason to bring that up, especially now. What was the point?
I tried to smile, but it felt wrong on my face. “I can give you all the paperwork. There are some hospital records and photos. The investigator said she really did like working with flowers.She was good at it. She owned a nursery for a little bit and named it Adam’s House.”
He nodded, slow and deliberate. “Okay, yeah, and thanks for telling me.”
We sat in silence, the air heavy with all the things we’d never said.
“I don’t know if I’m supposed to be sad, or mad, or what,” he finally spoke.
“Whatever you feel is valid.”
He exhaled in a sharp breath. “I think I just want to punch my dad. I want to hit him.” His hands fisted. “Is it bad to say that?”
“No, it’s not. I want to hit him, too. But I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and you know I was never a fan of your dad, and I’m not making excuses, it was wrong, but maybe in his way he was trying to protect you.”
“Maybe.” He shrugged. “Or maybe he was just doing it because it was cuntvenient.”
“What?” I was sure I’d heard him wrong.
“Andi asked me what cuntvenience was.”
