“But you’re almost done. And this is the showstopper. It’s the crown jewel of my collection. So, I’m glad we can use the church for it.”
“I am too.” I meant that. I knew the shoot would be better with the groom and the flower girls, ring bearers, junior ushers, or whatever they were, in the church. I just had to suck it up.
Outside the fitting room I heard Zion talking to Adam and the girls about heading down to the church together. For some reason I didn’t want to walk with them.
“Ready?” Birdie was about to step out.
“Actually, I need to make a call. I’ll meet you guys down there.”
“I can wait for you,” she offered.
“It’s two doors down, Birdie, I’m fine.”
She hesitated, worry etching the corners of her eyes. “I don’t want to leave you.”
“It’s notactuallymy wedding day. I’m not going to be a runaway bride.”
“Right.” She shook her head and laughed. “Okay, I’ll see you down there.”
She left and I heard her speaking to the group, telling them that I would meet them there in a few minutes. Bailey, of course, asked if everything was okay. Birdie told her I needed to make a phone call.
I listened, waiting to hear the voices receding. When I was alone, I placed my hand on my stomach and took a breath as I stared at my reflection. I was wearing a wedding dress, one my sister made in my grandmother’s shop, and I was about to walk down the aisle to the only man I’d ever loved. And his twin daughters were the flower girls.
Talk about a mind fuck. I felt like I was living in aBlack Mirrorepisode of my life. None of any of this made sense. I just needed to get my shit together.
Nothing ever got to me, bothered me, or affected me. I was the rock. I always had my shit together. Today wasnotgoing to be the day I lost it.
Logic. This was a photo shoot for my sister’s clothing brand that will help boost the bottom line for the shop. Period. End of story. Absolutely zero emotions were allowed to be attached to the next couple of hours.
I’d learned at an early age to turn off my emotions, much like faucets. I’d even visualize them. I lost my mom. A year later my dad dropped us off with our grandparents and moved to New York. We would go and visit him for a few weeks every summer and sometimes we’d get to see him over the holidays.
My grandparents had zero interest in raising three little girls. They didn’t care if we went to school, what grades we received, when we went to bed, or who we hung around with. They had one child, our father, who I don’t think was planned, and once he was raised, they thought they were done. My grandmother loved her business and spent ten hours a day there. My grandfather was in finance and spent even more time at his job. They both worked hard every day until the day they died. They loved us, fed us, and clothed us, but we were on our own, which meant I had to step in. I had feelings about that.
As a kid, I had a lot of emotions attached to those events. When I would feel those emotions taking over, I would pretend that they were running out of a faucet in my head, and I would turn the faucet off. It took years, but I did master it.
I hadn’t used that particular skill since Adam left twenty years ago, but I was drawing on it now. I closed my eyes and took every emotion I was feeling, pictured it as water running out of a tap, and turned it off.
Once I felt my heart rate begin to slow, I took a deep breath and walked out, half expecting Adam to be on the other side of the door, waiting for me. Thankfully, he was not. The back of the shop was empty.
I glanced around and was bombarded with memories from my childhood, recalling when Adam would help in the shop. Him talking with Helga, the seamstress, for hours on end, me watching him bring in the boxes when we’d get deliveries, him sweeping up for my grandma, him hanging display racks and carrying inventory up the stairs. He was lanky, but he had muscles. He always wore his hat backwards. I was so in love with him.
I hadn’t thought about him in this shop in years. Twenty years.
I’d put all of that in a box, locked it up, and thrown away the key. I had to. What choice did he give me? But now, it was all flooding back. I didn’t have time for a walk down memory lane. I needed to get my head in the game and get this over with.
I walked outside. It was a beautiful spring day in San Francisco. As I made my way down to the church, a gnawing sensation crept up my neck and in my gut. I had the strangest feeling that someone was watching me. I glanced over my shoulder, but no one was there. I tried to ignore it, telling myself I was being silly, but it was so strong that it actually made me walk faster. I felt like I was starring in a horror movie, and there was someone behind me, and the audience was screaming at me to run.
I rushed in, power walking through the back door and saw Bailey and Clarissa, the makeup and hair person.
“Hey!” my sister greeted me, smiling widely.
Once I was inside, safely with people, I felt silly. Typically, I wasn’t a paranoid person, but this whole letter business was really fucking with my head.
“Hi.” I concentrated on regulating my breathing so no one could tell I’d just speed walked in my wedding dress and five-inch heels.
Clarissa began doing her touchups.
“Are you mad?” Bailey cringed.
