“During recovery, they prescribed me oxy and benzos. I told my doctor I needed them for the pain in my shoulder. That was a lie. My shoulder was already fine by then.”
I wipe my eyes, staring at the first stars of the evening as I search for the right words.
“From the first pill I knew I wanted to stay numb. Everything became about escaping the fight in my head. When the pills wore off, the pain came back three times worse. Later, I tried to pull myself together and took a job at a hospital in Portland. I didn’t even make it to the OR. I couldn’t stay clean and had a major panic attack.”
I feel Tom exhale. He’s been holding that breath for a long time.
“That made me feel like a complete failure. I fell deeper into addiction, took whatever I could get my hands on. Benzos. Z-drugs. Oxy. Morphine. I ended up homeless, didn’t want to live anymore.
One day I stood on a bridge, ready to let go. Police pulled me back. After that, Arcadia.”
I cut myself short and I realize I’ve already said more than I intended to.
No mention of Paul.
No mention of how he saved my life.
No mention of how losing him made me need that numbness.
No mention of wanting to die hoping I could be with him on the other side.
I don’t dare look at Tom. I’m not sure I have the energy anyway.
I hear him swallow, then he takes the tea out of my hands and sets it on the side table.
“Lie down with me,” he whispers.
A bit of shifting, and we settle into a perfect spoon.
He strokes my hair aside, pushes closer, our fingers lacing together and his hand resting over mine against my chest.
A tear spills down my cheek as I remember my lowest. Poisoning my body. Dying inside. Bleeding with pain. And all I wanted was to be held like this.
“You know,” he murmurs. “My crystal wizard therapist is the smartest, kindest, most handsome man in the world.” His fingers trail over my arm, touch-starved and needy as always. “Please don’t get jealous.”
I grin through watery eyes, waiting for the next ridiculous thing he’ll say.
“He would call that incredibly brave. Thank you for telling me. I know that wasn’t easy.”
He can’t see it, but I’m smiling. He doesn’t know the whole story—and he knows that—but he’d trying to make me feel better. That alone softens the raw edges inside me.
“That means a lot to me, Sapphire.”
The hammock creaks with every sway. His lips find the fresh wounds on my neck, the old scars too. He kisses them like he knows how much I need it.
“I think it was the day we went surfing. I really wanted to impress you when I took that big wave.”
“I know that.”
“Perhaps it was when I saw that fire in your eyes, the night you fought Terrence for putting me in isolation.”
My eyes flutter open and I turn my face to him.
“Or maybe it was the day we met, Yosh. When you so obviously called your own pager just to get the fuck out. I remember thinking,that’s my kind of person.”
A nervous laugh escapes me. “What are you trying to tell me, Sapphire?”
“Remember that first time, when I was testing you?”
