“Alright,” Deep Diver sighs, but he keeps staring at me with puppy eyes. Awkward and long. Definitely too long. Finally, he slings the duffel over his shoulder and walks away, leaving me alone with the chaos of my own thoughts.
I watch Deep Diver disappear into the dive shop, and just like that, the aftershock of Tom McKenna hits me all over again.
Keeping my walls up. Letting no one in. Being fucking lonely.
Tears prick the corners of my eyes.
Fucking Tom McKenna. I can’t let him get to me like this.
But is it strange that I feel for him too? The way he acted wasn’t a personal attack. I’ve gained enough experience to see what happened back there in my studio. The attitude, thearrogance, the way he kept looking for my weaknesses… It's his instinct on steroids kicking in to protect himself from anyone who gets even the tiniest bit too close.
I recognize the pattern because I am this pattern. I remember sitting down for my first session with Erin, just as prickly and defensive as him. She was patient and untangled my branches in spite of the thorns I’d grown over the years. Until now, no other resort guest has challenged me the way Tom McKenna has.
So maybe it’s time for a different approach. I need to step back into my own past and let myself feel what I used to survive.
I need to figure out how to handle him with his thorns out like this.
I’m not afraid of a few cuts, but I won’t let him draw blood like that again.
Chapter seven
Tom
My hands clamp around the edges of the bathroom sink, screaming at the top of my lungs. The cold water dripping over my face can’t cool me down.
My head bends forward. I don’t want to look up.
I do it anyway.
What stares back at me is one big fucking disappointment.
That’s not me. It’s someone else. A hollowed-out version of myself. A stranger with the same features but an empty, ugly soul. My eyes used to be softer. Now they look… lifeless. Haunted.
Nausea churns in my stomach. The longer I stare, the more I feel like I want to throw up.
The things I’d said to Yosh were dreadful, and they weren’t even about him. They’re my own insecurities coming to the surface.
He saw through my usual bullshit and I couldn’t handle it.
I can’t handle losing control. Not in fights. Not in life. Not ever.
So I did what I always do. I lashed out. I attacked. Because if I hadn’t, I would’ve had to start talking about myself, and that’s… terrifying.
I don’t even know why I reacted like that. I barely know the guy, yet somehow I feel like I do. There’s something about him that tells me he’s seen too much, just like me. And that scares the living hell out of me. Just the thought alone that perhaps he understands…
Okay. Maybe I was a little impressed by him.
I let out a bitter laugh. God, Arcadia is going to be torture, and I haven’t even started any program yet.
Maybe I never will. I fucked up, and Yosh is probably done with me.
Honestly, I’m surprised he stayed calm that long. If I’d been in his place, I would’ve knocked my own teeth out.
And since I’m already on this truth-spilling tour with myself in the mirror, I’ll just admit it: I wanted him to.
A punch to the jaw, a split lip, something to knock me out of my own head. But of course, that would’ve been highly inappropriate, so let’s just call it a figure of speech.
My reflection flickers. I see Emily, then it’s me again.
