Wait. What?
Heat rushes to my face. He’s going full tomato too, eyes darting everywhere.
Sprint, apologize, and overthink himself into drowning all at once. A familiar pattern with him.
“Easy,” I say. “Breathe.”
We breathe together until the panic fades. Then I settle back where I belong, drawing slow, absent circles on his bare chest.
“I think I want to,” I say quietly. “I’ve thought about it. It’s just…”
“It scares you?”
A soft nod, a swallow of something so fucking confronting. My eyes fall shut.
He lays his forehead against the side of my face, warm against my cheek.
“I know,” he whispers, caressing the other side of my face. “You don’t need to tell me. I know.”
Great. He knows. Fuck.
His fingers trace rivers down my chest, lips kissing a line along my jaw.
“Hey. We don’t have to do this. Not now, not ever. I’m happy with us the way we are.”
My breath is ragged, but he keeps kissing me, giving me the kind of love I never allowed anyone to give me.
Every muscle in my face tightens. I remember everything.
The mattress of auburn leaves, the way they’d crumbled in my hands, dry veins twitching in my palm. Dirt so cold it hurt my spine, or was it the acorns digging into my skin?
A squirrel sitting in the hollow of a tree, its bead-black eyes fixed on me. Watching every second of it. Yet that squirrel’s death stare got me through it because it made me disconnect from myself.
I blocked it out, but It’s coming back to me now. Emily’s eyes during my silences, they weren't hers. they were the squirrel’s.
Fuck. I hate her. I fucking hate her. Fucking Emily.
I tackle Yosh down onto the mattress, the need to find his lips and eat him alive taking over. Desperate. Intoxicating. Anything to erase her from my head. I don’t know what else to do, she’s had this hold on me for too long. It isn’t fair. I need to forget. I know this isn’t healthy, but he has to make me forget. Even if it’s just for tonight.
His lips are warm, so are his hands on my spine, holding me protectively but never too tight.
I try to lose myself in him. The closeness feels essential. The giving and receiving soothing the burn and holding back whatever is about to explode inside my chest.
“I love you, Yosh. So much. I don’t think you realise what you do to me.”
He smiles against my mouth. “You’re my Lionheart.”
“God, Yosh… I want you inside me.”
I feel his heart racing, the air between us turning thick and hot.
“You sure?”
I’m not, but I nod anyway.
“We’ll go slow. You set the pace.”
“Kay.” I hand him the bottle of lube.
