“How about we take a walk to clear our minds? We’ll stop somewhere for breakfast, then pick up a bottle of whisky for Jay as a sign of goodwill. We’ll go to Heatherfell together. You get your chance with your children, and after that it’s done. We’re getting you out.”
I dry the last tears with my palm.
The path ahead is thick with dark fog, but with my goal in mind, I know exactly which direction to take. Effy is going to hear my apology, and that’s all that matters.
Chapter forty-seven
Yosh
Ican’t remember exactly when my fascination with this family began. Maybe it had been there from the start, when I first met Tom and Calvin at the intake. Tom had been tense, while Calvin, who’s usually the most careless person I know, visibly shrank the moment Jay’s name came up.
That wasn’t normal.
It had caught my attention, but at the time I couldn’t quite place why.
My fascination turned to fury once Tom started opening up. What he described as Jay’s protectiveness, I recognized for what it really was: control, and eventually abuse. Jay was obsessed with shielding the family from threats outside, yet Tom was left defenseless against the predator inside their own walls. When it had mattered most, Jay chose Emily’s side. He abandoned Tom. Worse, he’d turned violent against him.
And when Chris died, it only got worse. Tom was left to mourn alone. They were all there, but he had no one to lean on inhis grief. Meanwhile, Jay had only tightened his grip, exploiting Tom’s creativity in music, art, even ideas like SACS. It isn’t surprising that Tom had escaped into Amsterdam’s party scene, where he could numb himself and outrun reality, even if it was only for a night.
The more I fell for him, the stronger my need became to give him something he’d never truly had: a place where he could be safe. With every dark detail he’d entrusted to me, that urge only grew stronger.
And yet, if I’m honest, the foundation of their ideology presses on something bruised inside me. The way they talk about loyalty, about standing together. It’s everything I ached for while fighting my way through this world alone. I always wanted a pack.
The proof of that? The Serpents MC.
For a blue Monday, I got myself tangled up with them. It was the closest I ever came to something that looked like family, until it all went south.
Not a story I want to be reminded of right now, but if I’m reflecting, I might as well be honest.
But with the McKennas it’s different. They don’t let outsiders in, so no one knows what it’s really like.
Today I will, and I’ll get to see if the picture in my head matches reality.
Fact is, I’ve got no clue what I’m walking into. What I do know is this: after this weekend, they won’t ever forget my name.
I look up at the gray sky; it tells me more snow is coming. We drive along a country road between rows of bare trees, endless heathland on both sides.
I picture the heather glowing purple in the Indian summer, the two of us running side by side. Him laughing, daring me to catch him, and me getting closer, tackling him into a soft bed of flowers.
We’d have sex there, where the grass is two asses tall, with nothing around us but that endless sea of purple.
Could it be like that? I’m not sure, because right now it looks like a dead, frozen wasteland.
After a 15-minute drive through the middle of nowhere, we reach a massive Gothic gate with the wordHeatherfellwelded on in bronze letters. I can’t deny it looks like a warning sign saying: this is your last chance to turn around.
Tom’s knuckles are white on the wheel. The car slows until the only sound left is the engine running.
“Here it is,” he says.
The iron arches are dusted with snow. A crow landing on a branch adds another cliché. It didn’t need that to make the point clear.
I glance at Tom, his face gray in the pale light.
“You okay? There’s nothing wrong if you don’t feel like doing this. I’m sure Joan can help set up a meeting with Effy in the city.”
“No. Some meetings can’t happen outside these gates.”
Tom steps out of the car and heads for the gate, then freezes in front of the hood. He turns abruptly and rushes for the nearest tree. It takes me a second to register what’s happening.
