Everyone keeps their eyes down.
I don’t.
I refuse to bow to this cultish shit.
Next to me, I feel Tom’s knee against my leg, pushing desperately.
He’s trying to pull me along, but I hold my leg like iron. I have to.
I think back to our first session, when we talked about Jay. That look he had in his eyes; Tom had been terrified. I didn’t understand it then, couldn’t even picture it. Now I can. The fear is real.
“Damned be that wolf,” Jay concludes.
“Damned be that wolf.”
Effy hands Jay a note, whispering something in his ear. She’s standing beside him now.
“Quiet, quiet, everyone!” The room obeys.
“The numbers are in. This year, the McKenna Foundation provided 25 thousand families with a full three-course Christmas dinner, and 1300 schools and communities in need with music lessons and new instruments. I want to thank everyone in this family for their contribution. We made this possible together. That’s why we share this traditional Christmas dinner each year, so we can give our resources to others in need. Blessed is the wolf!”
Applause erupts.“Blessed is the wolf, blessed is the wolf, blessed is the wolf!”
And that’s the signal to start raiding the pots on the table.
“Don’t be shy,” Tom says, elbowing Calvin to grab the ladle from his hands. Luckily, he scoops a few generous portions of potatoes into my bowl before serving himself.
I’m still devastated by everything I’ve just heard and witnessed, and I don’t know if I can even stomach a bite. Chaos reigns again, and I’m feeling increasingly disconnected from everything and everyone.
They laugh, talk, and eat contentedly from their mismatched, broken plates with their equally mismatched cutlery. They all look so happy spending time together. It reminds them of where they came from, of the journey they’d had to take to end up here, in this big lodge on this huge estate.
It reminds me of where I come from; a family that had everything, but cared for no one. Not for me, anyway. And these people, they had nothing, but they’d had each other. They still have each other, and they always will. That’s all I ever longed for.
But why is this so messed up? Their values and intentions are everything I respect, but at the same time, it’s a hostile environment for someone who chooses differently and wants to leave.
“Are you okay?” Tom asks.
I nod. I’m okay. For now. Tonight, in silence, I’ll have to process all of this in my head.
“This is new, but I’m fine.” And as I manage a cautious smile, I notice six eyes on us from across the table. Something’s simmering beneath the surface; I can feel it.
They’re talking about me, that much is clear.
“What’s he even doing here?” Finn’s the one who speaks up.
All eyes are discreetly on me, as if they’re all thinking the same thing but only Finn’s drunk enough to say it out loud.
Tom stiffens, his hand tightening around the spoon.
“Finn.”
Finn ignores him. He plants an elbow on the table, nearly knocking over Joan’s glass in the process.
“No, seriously. We’re all here for Christmas, family tradition, you know? And then he…” Finn waves a hand in my direction “Suddenly shows up without explanation. Is he here to see if we’re fit for the asylum? I’m speaking for everyone when I say he’s clearly looking down on us.
I know my boyfriend by now, so I reach under the table to stop him from whatever the hell he’s about to do. We need to fix this calmly.
Cheryl sighs, setting her glass down. “Jesus, Finn, knock it off. We’re having Christmas dinner.”
